Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Piper Halliwell, Ph.D
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.19.2005
...the Manor, where Raige clomps through the foyer to answer the front door. Ivan Sergei, toting a rather large and disturbingly pointy-eared infant, pushes past her from the porch with a quickly muttered "Hihowareyou?" before getting to the point of his unexpected visit: The sprog's neglectful mother just got sent to prison again, and Ivan's got until the end of the day to find the kid's father, or else Social Services will sling rug rat "Ramón" "into the system." Raige is all, "And you're telling me this...why?" Long story short, Ivan doesn't want that to happen and can't keep the kid at his office, so he was hoping Raige would provide temporary sanctuary for the thing. Raige is annoyed, so Ivan tries flirting with her. It doesn't quite work, but he looks cute doing it and she eventually relents anyway, so it's all good. Ivan pushes Ramón into Raige's arms and bolts, calling out, "I owe you!" Raige curls her lip into a sneer.
The camera cuts to a glass tower that is not "Columbia" "University" on the Paramount backlot, which was the last known location of the Department of Homeland Security's San Francisco bureau, because this show is ass, and I want to die, before scuttling indoors to find the delightful Agent Murphy rather laboriously scrawling something on a legal pad at his desk. Seriously, his mouth's dangling open and he's clutching at the pen like he just learned how to use it, and I'm wondering if that was a deliberate choice for everyone involved, or if it's just a happy accident that they've thus managed to portray the department's San Francisco bureau chief as being as dull-witted and mouthbreathing as the agency is as a whole. In any event, Phoebe and Piper burst into his office unannounced to make with the glaring and such while the delightful Agent Murphy obliviously burbles, "Good! You're back! How'd it go?" "Not good," Piper seethes, angrily folding her arms in front of her while Phoebe plants a pair of outraged fists on her bony hips. "Whaddya mean?" Murphy asks. "Where's our demon?" "'Our demon'?" Piper shrills. "Why don't you tell us a little more about 'our demon'?" she demands. "Like how the government got him in the first place," Phoebe adds. Agent Murphy stonewalls the gals for a lengthy period of time until Piper, aggravated, commands Phoebe to pull a premonition off the guy to see if he's lying, and hello, Self-Centered Hag's Asinine Romance-Related Subplot For The Evening! Because of the disastrous one-day marriage that eventually followed her Vex-related premonition from the season premiere and because the dizzy bitch still isn't knocked up despite receiving that initial vision of her future daughter two years ago, Phoebe doesn't believe in her power anymore. The asshole Elders never should have given it back to you in the first place, you selfish, self-serving pig.
The two witches bitch at each other while the befuddled Agent Murphy rather amusingly gapes at them in "Why did I make a deal with these IDIOTS?" dismay before he rises from his chair to cut through the crap with, "Did you or didn't you get the demon back?" Piper and Phoebe snap their yowling heads around in his direction to frost him with icy stares. "That was the objective," he almost apologetically offers, retreating a bit, but he's just managed to plunge himself into another endless round of shrill bitchery on the gals' part. "Are you kidding me?" Piper shrieks. "We barely wounded it!" "You still gotta go get him," Murphy blusters back at her. "Dude, are you deaf?" howls the Feebs. This shuts the agent up, for some stupid reason, offering Piper an opening to demand once more, "What did you guys do to that thing?" "I have no idea, I swear," he lies before warning the two that, should they not get the demon "off the streets," they all risk exposure. Piper shoots Phoebe a foul side-eye and groans, "There's the E word again." The ladies huffily sigh at one another as the camera darts back to...