Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Piper Halliwell, Ph.D
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.19.2005
...the Manor, where The Retard bangs through the swinging kitchen door into the dining room to find Raige futzing with El Niño on the sun porch, and The Retard's wearing culottes again, and I can't handle that shit, and Mugs McGowan and her bizarrely phrased and emphasized line readings are back in full-force during this scene because Kaley Cuoco's an even worse actress than McGowan is and has yet this season not to drag McGowan down into the toilet with her, so I'll be skipping ahead to the point where Emrick squiggles in from Not!warts to toast these two tedious nightmares with a couple of Flaming Balls Of Death. I guess I should mention that Emrick's all vamped out now, too, because whatever was afflicting the immolated go-go boy apparently transferred to Emrick when the go-go boy slashed those gouges into Emrick's cheek. Raige, thinking fast, deploys her orbing telekinesis to send El Niño upstairs to the nursery, where he does not slam into poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay Chris when he coagulates out of the orb cloud in the tiny gay one's bassinette because this assy show has once again forgotten that Piper has a younger, non-psychotic, and eventually far-prettier son. Sigh. Back down on the sun porch, The Retard slides her athame from her boot and whips the thing into Emrick's vamped-out shoulder, to no effect. Emrick yanks the knife out to hurl it at The Retard's maggoty neck, but the athame plows harmlessly into a door when The Retard snipers to the floor. Vampy Emrick flies into a rage, tossing the dining room furniture around for a bit before snatching The Retard up by her face and flinging her into the floorboards. Raige, panicking, deploys her orbing telekinesis once more to send the demon back to Not!warts, and Emrick obliges by vanishing in a hastily dissipating blue cloud. The camera goes all shaky and hand-held while The Retard lisps something unbearable before the two dumbbells get swallowed up by the commercial break.
Manor. Piper and Phoebe barge through the front door to babble endlessly about Phoebe's stupid past premonitions and Phoebe's stupid future daughter and Phoebe's stupid current life until the two notice The Retarded Bimbo carefully sweeping up the debris left over from Emrick's attack on the sun porch. "What the hell?" Phoebe peeves, eliciting a testy "Language!" from Piper before the two cross onto the sun porch to confront The Retard. "What happened?" Phoebe demands through a tightly clenched array of teeth. The Retard fills them in on the sitch, which leads to another round of shrill yowling until Phoebe notices the gash Emrick scratched in The Retard's maggoty neck. DUN! Or not, 'cause if The Retard ends up spontaneously combusting as a result of her injury, the only thing I'd be moved to do is cheer. Repeatedly. For, like, the next five goddamned years. The Retard blows off Phoebe's concern, and in the blathering that follows, we learn that Raige evidently deduced The Retard's vampy demon suffers from the same "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing" as the go-go boy from the precredits sequence, which somehow amped Emrick's powers up to the point that he was able to "track" The Retard back to the house. "Why are all these demons running around on steroids?" Piper wonders. "It doesn't make any sense." Sense? You're looking for sense? On this show? Now? After seven and a half years during which absolutely nothing has made any sense whatsoever? Shut up, Piper. She ignores me in favor of sending The Retard atticwards for a round of Book abuse as El Mouthy Niño's squalling reaches their ears from the kitchen. Piper and Phoebe enter to find Raige mashing up a bowl of homemade applesauce, like, Albertson's, you dim bitch, and quickly get the bullet on Raige's simpleminded subplot for the evening. After we're treated to a few cute little glamour shots of El Niño happily gumming away at the applesauce Raige so stupidly labored to provide, the Manor Morons conduct a brief processing summit during which they rehash information of which the audience is already aware. Raige eventually foists El Niño-minding duties onto the Feebs and flees to beg Ivan to take the kid back, as the Manor's no place for a child at the moment, what with the wacky demonic hijinks and such. Phoebe protests because of her tedious Non-Issue Of The Week, but Raige and Piper refuse to take no for an answer and dart out towards the main hall, leaving Phoebe alone to sigh something unimportant as the screen flares white to whisk us back to...