Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Piper Halliwell, Ph.D
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.19.2005
Over at Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, Ivan Sergei works the phones in search of El Niño's father. Raige enters, and there's bantering and there's flirting and there's sparks flying and there's me being shocked once again at how unannoying I find Ivan Sergei and how unannoying I find Rose McGowan when she's playing a scene off of him, and then they finally get to the point: Ivan Sergei's so invested in wee El Niño because Ivan Sergei himself was bounced from foster home to foster home when he was a kid, and he promised Mamí Ramón that the same thing would never happen to her child. And that's about it, really. One of Ivan's coworkers wanders in to leer at Raige while Raige surreptitiously pockets one of Papí Ramón's photographs from Ivan's desk, but not much else happens. Well, aside, of course, from more flirtatiousness between the Ivan and Raige that all but guarantees they're going to end up in bed together in the next episode, I suppose. And...scene.
Back at the Manor, Piper and the Dolt bicker playfully with each other over the nine thousand pieces of luggage Piper's insisting they pack for a two-day ski trip until a flustered Phoebe storms into the Bridal Boudoir with a fussing El Niño. There's some tiresome back-and-forth regarding Phoebe's Non-Issue Of The Week that nobody cares about, until Phoebe contrives to pass responsibility for wee El Niño over to Piper and flees the room. Wee El Niño, of course, immediately calms down once he's in Piper's arms and far away from the selfish, skeletal hag he'd been spending the last five tormented minutes with. Piper and the Dolt discuss Phoebe's Non-Issue, but what's really important is that Holly Marie Combs is obviously beguiled by the adorably wriggly infant they wrangled to play El Niño, at one point almost dropping out of character to ad-lib an amused "hi" at the kid when he shoves his entire hand into his mouth and twists his head around to look her in the eye. He's totally upstaging both of them in this scene -- which, I suppose, isn't all that difficult, given how boring their current conversation is. Phoebe sucks. Even when she's not physically present.
Anyway, Piper suggests they hold off on their ski trip to deal with Phoebe's obnoxiously selfish Non-Issue when the hooting and yodeling of the selfish hag in question reach the second floor from below, followed by a large crash. Piper passes El Niño to the Dolt and races towards the stairs, arriving on the lower landing just in time to see Phoebe destroy the long-abused marble-topped foyer table with her painfully bony derriere. Piper skips over to help Phoebe to her feet, in the process spotting a figure moving through the sun porch beyond. Piper prepares to deploy her Mighty Hands of Discontent, but Phoebe snatches at her sister's wrists, crying, "Don't! It's [The Retard]!" The camera skitters over to the sun porch to take in The Retard's vamped-out form, and they've apparently hired a cadre of actual lady wrestlers to portray the various transformations of Retard and Manor Morons this evening. Not that I particularly care, mind you, but whatever. Just thought you should know. The Vampy Retard has to growl and snarl and flip a coffee table into the wall before Phoebe allows Piper to deploy the Hands. The resulting blast does not, in fact, destroy The Vampy Retard, but it does send her hurtling through the air to smack her head hard against the molding. The Vampy Retard slides, unconscious, towards the floor and into the next commercial break.