Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Piper Halliwell, Ph.D
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.19.2005
And as the credits sequence and extra-special extended-dance-mix Opening Travelogue with Ovary take up a full two minutes in an episode that clocks in at a little more than forty, I'm inclined to bless tonight's presentation with the season's highest letter grade yet. Yeah. Let's see how The Retarded Bimbo ends up fucking that generous gesture all to hell, shall we? After the lengthy tour of the Bay Area's notable landmarks accompanied by a squealing and unintelligible ovary ends, we land on the Manor façade over on Prescott Street before cutting inside to the dining room, where Piper has the Book of Shadows open on the table to the Book's entry for Krychek Demons -- which, I should probably note, for strictly trivial purposes only, faces the page devoted to TEETH!'s rather deadly Water Demon. "See?" Piper begins. "This is what a Krychek Demon is supposed to look like," and the Book's watercolor illustration does indeed seem to portray a rather harmless creature of the demonic go-go-boy sort. Just wait 'til you try to separate him from his meth, gals. Then you'll see the true ogre emerge. "Well," Phoebe offers, having apparently been filled in on the situation during the endless Opening Travelogue, "maybe the one you were following was just a bigger one." "This wasn't just 'bigger,'" Piper retorts. "This was like going from you to Schwarzenegger." Just then, the Dolt bumbles in from the kitchen laden with two pairs of skis and some boots. He promptly drops those boots onto his toes and blurts, "Ow! Dammit!" "Watch your language," Piper warns. "[The Psycho's] been picking up everything we say lately." And I'd toss in a gratuitous dead-eyed and bemulleted Psycho joke here, but this entire exchange exists simply to set up a spectacular round of Dolt abuse later in the episode, and spectacular rounds of Dolt abuse really are their own reward, aren't they?
In any event, the Dolt shoots the wife an exasperated look as Phoebe excuses herself to fetch some more coffee. The playfully bickering marrieds then fill the audience in on their planned weekend getaway to some Tahoe-esque resort or other before Piper reminds her halfwit of a husband that she must dash over for a brief meeting with the delightful Agent Murphy regarding the demon they left behind at Not!warts. "Why can't [The Retard] talk to Murphy?" protests the Dolt. "Because she's an incompetent moron, you fucking idiot," Piper replies. Or maybe Raige handles the response for her elder half-sister by popping into the dining room from the stairs with, "Because I cannot find [The Retard] anywhere!" Seems The Retard's not answering her cell phone. Piper, bless her, couldn't give a rat's ass. Phoebe ambles back into the dining room at this point to let Raige know that Ivan Sergei phoned last night looking for her. Raige gets this little piggy look of exaggerated disgust on her face and snorts, "Why? What did he want?" "I'm not sure," Phoebe breezes, "but I'm pretty sure he wants you." There then follows an amusing little bit wherein Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt tease the lippy bastard about the new potential slampiece in her life before Piper and Phoebe move towards the front door to head over to the delightful Agent Murphy's office. "Hey!" Raige calls out in Phoebe's direction. "Don't you have a lunch date?" "I cancelled," Phoebe shrugs by way of response. "I'm taking a little hiatus." "From lunch?" Mugs the dimwit squints. "From men," the Feebs corrects as she vanishes out the door. Thunderstruck by this news, the remaining Manor Morons gape at each other all, "The bony slut's sworn off dick again? I smell a crappy romance-related subplot coming up this evening!" Or maybe I'm projecting a little bit.