Episode Report Card Chuck: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dog Doo
By Chuck | Season 5 | Episode 4 | Aired on 01.26.2002
Frank the Fixer shows up with his pants hiked up around his breasts and is all, "Not necessarily," and Robson is all, "Who the fuck are you?" in this really Guido Italian accent, and I'm all, wow, I just laughed at that and this is so not a direction I need to be moving in my relationship with Robson. And then Frank attacks Robson, and the Aryans attack the Sicilians, and Beecher and Biff run for the cover of each other's arms, because they're pussies. Sister Pete should start a pussy counseling group.
It's mayhem in the infirmary. Pepa and her massive weave lock things down. Schillinger looks concerned as Frank pads into solitary. Biff tells Beecher he's terrified but pumped and goes all 'roidy, puffing around the room with an insane, bloodthirsty look. And he was so NOT drunk during the rape scene. I went to college with guys like this, and they are pure evil. He slaps the windows of the pod, and Beecher looks at his podmate as though he's discovering him for the first time. Or would like to.
Hill's Viking lesson continues: governed by a strict code of behavior, they strove for honor and valor on the battlefield, but, much like the men in Oz, had no concept of good and evil. "They couldn't tell the difference. They didn't know," says Hill, in his I'll-convey-relevance-with-the-use-of-dramatic-tone voice, "there should be one."
Ryan calls on Dr. Nathan (oh, call me Gloria. Oh, okay) to make sure she escaped recent events unscathed. She invites him in and tells him that she met Betty Buckley. He's like, "Ohmigod, girl, did you get an autograph? I love her." He tells Gloria that his real mom is so different from his pretend mom, since his real mom doesn't cry all the time. Your pretend mom sounds like fun, Ryan. But now that my real mom's here with me and Cyril BECAUSE SHE'S DOING HER COMMUNITY SERVICE HERE IN CASE EVERYONE FORGOT, says Ryan, I feel like we're a family. Gloria (oh, call me wooden. Oh, okay) asks if Ryan's told his mother about everything that happened with him and her and Cyril and her husband and Keenan and the gerbil, but he says no. Gloria, who would now clearly be in an appropriate place to worry about overstepping her bounds, tells Ryan that he has to present all of himself to his mother if he ever wants a relationship with her. Yeah, because that's exactly how families work. Ryan's afraid that his mother will stop loving him. Criminal mastermind buckles under newfound mommyboy-hood. Story at a quarter past never. Gloria says, "I don't think so. In my experience, you don't love Ryan O'Reily by choice." Whoop, cat's out of the bag. She's in control, she's never gonna stop. Ryan looks stunned.