Episode Report Card Chuck: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dog Doo
By Chuck | Season 5 | Episode 4 | Aired on 01.26.2002
Over in Unit B, Franklin faces the same music to a different tune -- an incredibly large black man walks into his cell and asks if he's ever sucked cock. Squirm. Ha. Schillinger shows up, tells the wall of man -- a.k.a. Clarence -- to back off (which he does), and asks Franklin if he's okay. "He was gonna rape me," says Franklin, pouty lips aquiver. Schillinger tells Franklin that they'll protect him from now on. "Jesus, thanks," gushes Franklin, a moment too soon, since Robson approaches and lets Franklin know in no uncertain terms (rough hands on smooth boyish face) that protection has a price, and that the price is Franklin's cherry. Robson is an excellent match for Franklin; I just hope Adam does as well, as nothing's too good for these boys.
In the cafeteria, as Beecher tells Adam The Alcoholic that he should join Pete's counseling program, Robson debuts his new girlfriend, who looks playful in pigtails, lipstick, and a shirt knotted above the belly button. Very Britney Spears Catholic schoolgirl. Adam freaks out as Robson tells Beecher that his boy's next, and makes a little licky motion with his tongue. This sends Beecher straight to Said with a request for Adam's protection, which Said denies, since stabbing Schillinger and Robson put a lot of Muslims in danger, which can't happen again. "Certainly," says Said, "not over some boy who rapes and beats women." Word. Beecher starts whining about how he knew Adam as a kid, how he knows Adam's family, but Said cuts him off. No means no, which is a phrase Adam evidently doesn't understand very well. Beecher sends Adam off to McManus and protective custody until he can figure how to keep him for himself.
In an Oz true-crime moment, some guy chases another guy. The chasee starts climbing a huge boner, er, brick tower. The chaser shoots the chasee, resulting in the chasee's untimely demise. Dude, he shot Michael McDonald. Oh, and there's a Cadillac. The newbie's Frances Urbano, a.k.a. "Frank the Fixer." Sentence: life. Parole: twenty-five years.
Frank gets a few smooches from the Sicilians as Beecher watches from the laundry room, wheels slowly turning. Seconds later, he's charging into the infirmary with some lame cover as a mailman for Sister Pete. Up to Pancamo's bed. Pancamo looks like shit. Pancamo has a fever. Pancamo's as good as dead. Beecher hopes to exploit Pancamo by convincing him to protect Biff by appealing to his hatred of the Aryans. He succeeds, because Pancamo is stupid. A guard lets the entire negotiation take place before yelling Beecher out of the room. And giving him a little touch on the lower back as he exits, like guys do, to show him that he really means it. Then, maintaining his hectic social schedule, Beecher pops in for a quick basketball game with the boy wonder. They've worked up quite a lather when Robson strides in and gives Biff a little pat on the upper back, like guys do, to show him that he's about to get fucked up the ass. Robson then sniffs Biff's manly sweat, and then says, "There are two ways this could go, Precious. Kiss or kick. They both end the same, with my dick up your ass." Robson just called Biff "Precious." I heart that.