Episode Report Card Chuck: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dog Doo
By Chuck | Season 5 | Episode 4 | Aired on 01.26.2002
"Homosexuality," intones Said, "is an abomination against God." Schillinger and Sister Pete nod vigorously in agreement (since he just rapes and she just pimps, they don't really support man-love, I suppose), while Beecher sits stone-faced, likely contemplating the fineness of Keller. Yes, it's time for Sharing With Mortal Enemies. Today's topic? In da butt. Said points out that Schillinger has enjoyed back-door entry with Beecher (a sweeping hand motion indicates the specimen), Cyril O'Reily, and perhaps countless others (a shattered Italian springs to mind), but Schillinger asserts that he's never touched anyone. This sends Beecher into a screaming rage, for hell hath no fury like a homo spurned; he lunges for Schillinger and demands that he proclaim their love and the moments of passion they enjoyed. Pete jumps up, hand over mouth, as one of the hacks pries Beecher away from Schillinger, who leaves the room with a shrug and a smile. And immediately takes his mail cart on a search for his other buttboy, Peter Schibetta, whom he finds sitting in an empty office. Schibetta's made a miraculous and speedy recovery -- looks like he can use his ass for sitting and he appears compos mentos -- and is apparently waiting to see a shrink. Schillinger encourages his talking through a traumatic experience (like seeing Schillinger naked), but warns Schibetta not to get too specific about details, as that could lead to more trouble. Ever the joker, Schillinger advises Schibetta to "keep [his] sunny side up." Hee.
Pete visits Keller. How is he? Introspective. Introspective about irony. The irony of his life. Like me, Pete doesn't really give a shit about irony, or about Keller's life -- she wants to talk booty, and apologizes for her inability to convince Leo to let the lubing begin. The hardhearted warden feels the need to draw out this teasing and ridiculous separation even longer, and won't allow the two men to exchange love letters. Keller moans that it's harder to be apart from Beecher now, since they're in the same building, and then cuts the melodrama short by asking Pete if she's tracked down a good lawyer. Where could this possibly be going? I have no idea. Keller knows that he'll never see Beecher unless he beats the murder charges. So, wait -- did Keller get picked out of that line-up? Or was that just a scare tactic? I suppose follow-through on details is simply too much to demand. Pete tells Keller, "Keep the faith." He wants to know where; she indicates his cleavage, where the faith is sure to have oodles of fun.