Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Darkness Falls
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 17 | Aired on 03.01.2003
So, Jack's all, honey? You know that Russkie dwarf you used to know? Well, he just wound up dead at the bottom of an elevator shaft and we're pretty damn sure that our favorite rogue Rambaldi enthusiast is behind it. And Short Slav's wallet? Poof! It's gone missing. Since Sloane has small countries to overthrow and dead wives to resurrect, we're assuming that he didn't lift the wallet for the Starbucks card. What could he possibly be looking for? Huh? Did I mention how cute you look in that muscle tee?
Irina just looks at him and says, "Why haven't you tried to convince Sydney to leave the CIA?" Jack just looks disgustedly at the ground as if to say, "Oh, for Christ's sweet biscuits! Here we go. It's The 'Let's Discuss How Terrible Of A Father I Am' Show! Only, this is a REPEAT, sister! Now, answer the fucking question before I come in there and throw you to the ground and suck on your earlobes and mmmm..."
Ahem.
Irina's all, you should totally be convincing Sydney to get out of the CIA, like, now! Jack's all, yeah, well, she's her mother's daughter, okay? And she's just as fucking stubborn as YOU are, if not more! And she's sticking around 'til she puts a bullet in Sloane's brain, which, considering how many times she's had the chance to do so and still managed to fuck it up, could take until 2006. So how about answering the question now, oh Grand Duchess of Avoidance?
Mama Hari finally deigns to answer his question and tells him that Sloane was probably looking for a keycard to Short Slav's home safe. Turns out Short Slav had himself a Rambaldi manuscript. Satan Sloane probably thinks it's still in Short Slav's home safe. Bzzzz! Wrong answer, Satan Sloane. Short Slav sold that 'script to some Ilya dude who's living in Bangkok.
[Insert your own politically incorrect joke involving the word "Bangkok" here. And make it dirty -- we don't run a clean site here at Television Without Pity.]
Jack's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, enough about the banging in the cock or whatever. What in the hell's this manuscript, anyway? Irina's all, it's Rambaldi's study of the human heart. "As you know, immortality was one of Rambaldi's obsessions," she says, sort of shrugging in an endearing manner. Actually, no, Irina, I did NOT know about Rambaldi's obsession with mortality. Would another one of his obsessions happen to be with the number forty-seven? Because it sure seems to be one of J.J. Abrams' obsessions...
So Jack's like, right, where's the manuscript? Irina's all, I don't know, sweetie. But I could find out if, uh, you guys would let me outta here for a little leg stretching! Jack just squints and purses and looks at his wife -- oops! I mean EX-wife -- oops! I mean IRINA -- and tells her that Spanky McCrankyPants Kendall wouldn't allow it. Ever. Infinity. Irina's all, yeah, but what if it were worth it? I mean, really worth it? I mean, maybe, if you get me alone somewhere, I'll do that thing to you involving some duct tape and a feather...
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