Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Darkness Falls
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 17 | Aired on 03.01.2003
Back with Lewis Carroll and Alice, Special Agent Shut Up is asking Syd if her boyfriend's made any big purchases lately. What, like nuclear weapons? He's not fucking Saddam Hussein, okay? Oh. Wow. I just typed that name and spell check didn't even blink. Does this mean that he's become such an accepted part of our culture that Microsoft put his name into our goddamn DICTIONARY? That shit ain't right.
I could go off on the whole war thing, but I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I think we should just give peace a chance and love the fuzz and pass the doobie, Owen! Your honey's getting a little distracted over here.
Syd and Shut Up have this back-and-forth about Vaughn's cell phone and if he's changed it in the past six months. Whatever. Then Shut Up asks Syd if she has access to Vaughn's private laptop. Heh. Hi. This would be me. Waving at you from the gutter. "You know, while he's sleeping or in the shower or out of the house?" continues Shut Up. Wow. He's subtle. Did they teach you how to bung up a Q & A session in counter-intelligence school? Or did you learn that all on your own? Syd's all, uh, we don't live together, dingleberry. "Yeah, I know, I understand that," says Shut Up, channeling the Richard Lewis of days gone by. Syd's all, okay, be straight with me here, Fester -- what, exactly, are you asking me? Shut Up says something about some decryption program that Vaughn may have downloaded to his personal laptop (tee hee!), and how, if he has, he's gone one step past the wrong side of the law.
"That's insane," says Syd. Good one, Syd. Did they teach you how to poorly deflect badly worded questions in super-spy school? Or did you learn that all on your own? Shut Up's all, yeah, it very well may NOT be the sanest idea we've ever had, but nevertheless..."You want me to check Vaughn's computer," says Syd, jumping to conclusions. She's jumped in the right direction, apparently, because Shut Up asks her to make a little disk image of Vaughn's hard drive and bring it back to him. That's all! So simple!
Syd splutters and spews and makes a grand statement that Vaughn would never be a traitor. Never! Never, I tell you! "You know, I knew your mother," Shut Up says, cutting Syd off mid-defense-of-the-boyfriend. "About twenty years ago. Met her with your father. We used to go to a lot of these agency functions, you know. She was...charming. Very disarming woman...who wasn't what she seemed." Yeah. That has so much to do with the rest of this scene. Shut up, Shut Up! Syd's all, okay, you, you bifocal-ed GNAT! It is a big ol' mistake for you to confuse my boyfriend with anything involving my mother. Shut Up's all, yeah, well, she put a bullet in his daddy's brain, sister. I think that merits some consideration, don't you? Syd's all, I will NOT spy on my new boyfriend! "Miss Bristow," says Shut Up, looking for all the world like J.J. Abrams's crazy Uncle Utna, "what is your priority? National security or your new boyfriend?" Oh, go suck a lemon, Shut Up.
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