Episode Report Card 127 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 2004.10.03
In any event, the two banter pointlessly about Phoebe's "date" that evening until Raige clumsily drops a couple of bottles to the marble floor, where they shatter like bombs. Piper and Phoebe race to their addled half-sister's side to discover that Raige now also has Parkinson's Disease on top of everything else. No, seriously. She's quaking like Janet Reno on some prime Coral Gables trailer-park crystal meth. "Maybe that athame did more damage than we thought," Piper posits. You think? I mean, you just read about the fucking thing in that fucking book you were fucking holding, so yeah, maybe it did do more damage than you initially thought, seeing as how it was CURSED and all. Raige distractedly heads to a nearby sofa to rest for a bit as her worried siblings look on.
Trudeau Memorial. Pepper Anderson confirms via the phone that Kerr "I Am NOT Gay" Smith really is "Agent Brody" of "Homeland Security," and God. I don't have the strength. Homeland Security? Investigating the supernatural? Christ on a stick. "What division?" the Doormat demands. "The classified one," Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, snots. And it just gets worse. That completely implausible blood sample? Becomes outright impossible. You see, it has "a triple helix," and the "plasma, platelets, [and] Rh factors" are "all incredible." Okay, so whose fucking blood is it? It can't be from any of the Manor Morons, because if witches have triple helixes with fucked-up plasma and platelets and such, they wouldn't be able to reproduce with mortals. And it can't be demonic, for the exact same reason. And it can't be Big Gay Chris's, partly because he vanished from the Bridal Boudoir three months ago according to this show's timeline, but mainly because the idiots responsible for this mess want us to forget he ever existed. AND on top of it all, Pepper could not have collected a sample in the first place, for reasons mentioned earlier. So this plot point? Sucks. ASS. Whatever. Filler episode! That's what this is, right? Filler? I hate this show. "Someone messed up," Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, asserts. "You were not supposed to find that blood." Pepper is shocked and appalled. And clueless. Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, prompts the Doormat to explain the non-human origins of the sample to his partner. The Doormat plays dumb. Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, whatevers that he's not after the Doormat, and crosses to exposit regarding tonight's A-plot that the missing women the police "are ignoring" follow "a pattern that stretches back decades." "Barbados, Panama, Newfoundland, New Orleans," he enumerates, "and now here." Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, then blows Pepper's mind by dropping the witch bomb. She wonders if this means the Glamorous Ladies aren't human. Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, assures her they are, and that the sample came from something else. But that's not important right now. What is important is that Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, has been attempting to prove his theories "for years now," and hopes to catch the Ps in the act. Pepper wonders how he intends to do that. "Got any golden chalices lying around?" the fifteen-year-old Homeland Security agent (Who Is Not Gay) asks.