Episode Report Card 127 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 2004.10.03
Smash-cut to La Cueva Del Booty, where the Scurvy Cur and an associate hold knives at Piper and Phoebe's necks. Phoebe quite predictably calls parley, because you know they had to fit that in here somewhere, but they fuck it up anyway because Phoebe doesn't explain it correctly. I don't care anymore. Harrr!ve finally arrives to get to the goddamned point already. He demands the Charmed Ones activate The Fountain Of Youth, which is that dismal bit of pock-marked garden sculpture we've been staring at all evening in La Cueva's corner. Activating The Fountain, he informs them, "is the only way to save your precious sister's life." Holly Marie Combs darts a blistering glare in Alyssa Milano's direction all "I cannot believe how shitty this show has become since you had Shannen fired" as we slip into the final commercial break.
Nonexistent Attic. Piper stands at the Book, scribbling a spell on a piece of notepaper as the Dolt howls, "He wants you to do what?" "Break into a museum," Piper calmly replies. "To find The Fountain Of Youth?" the Dolt splutters. "No," Piper tartly replies, "to steal a golden chalice that turns on The Fountain Of Youth." "Piper, you can't do this," the Dolt insists, and you know what? He's totally right, because it's totally, massively stupid. Piper's already got the spell. All they need do now is have the Dolt orb his tired ass over to the museum and orb right back out with the artifact in question. No need for any of the bullshit that follows. At. All. Of course, they don't listen to me, choosing instead to bicker and harp at each other for seven hundred years until Piper storms out of the nonexistent room in A Mood.