Episode Report Card 127 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 2004.10.03
...the subterranean booty chamber. It's actually a cave, as we note when Raige orbs in adjacent to the entrance, through which wisps of dry-ice fog twist from outside. "Brenda!" Raige hisses, wandering through the vast space past piles of swag. Raige finds Brenda, still shackled, curled in a fetal position on a ledge otherwise populated by skeletons. "Go away," Brenda breathes, weakened no doubt by Harrr!ve's slash at her shoulder. "Hurry!" she pleads. Actually, Brenda, Raige should bend down, grab your wrist, and orb you the fuck out of there, pronto. Unfortunately, Raige is an idiot, and so she just stands there with mouth agape as Harrr!ve and his retinue materialize out of the "fog" at the chamber's mouth in mid-stride. Scurvy Cur and the other underlings draw their swords as Harrr!ve gets this wickedly goofy grin on his face. "Took you long enough, dearrrie," Harrr!ve grunts by way of introduction. "We've been waiting for you." Raige's eyes widen a bit as Harrr!ve's parrot squawks us into the commercial break.
Back from the break, Harrr!ve barks, "You wouldn't just orb out and leave an innocent stranded, would you, witch?" Well, no, Harrr!ve, she wouldn't, because she'd orb out with the fucking innocent. If she had a brain, which she doesn't, so whatever. "You look like you've been out to sea for quite some time," Raige sasses, still not orbing out of there with Brenda. "Three hundred years," Harrr!ve exposits, "in a place beyond time and space. Only when the mystical fog rolls in do we get a chance to come and play in fairrr porrrt cities like your own." "I would have chosen London," Raige airily replies, still not orbing the fuck out of there with poor Brenda, leading Harrr!ve to peeve that London contains neither the Charmed Ones nor the "treasure" the Charmed Ones can procure for him. At this juncture, Raige says something stupid, instead of orbing the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured Brenda. "When the gathering storm arrives here," Harrr!ve sneers, "will you be making jokes then?" Raige snips that she doesn't "speak pirate" while still not orbing the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured, terrified Brenda. "This is not pirate lore," Harrr!ve snorts. "This is something very real and very dangerous, and I don't intend to be stuck here when it arrives." Scurvy Cur flashes the cursed dagger in front of Raige's face. Still not orbing the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed Brenda -- but making terrific use of her orbing telekinesis! -- Raige summons a sword from one of the other guys and guts Scurvy Cur with the thing. Well, actually, Rose McGowan slides the blade into the gap between Michael Rodgers's arm and his chest, and is really obvious about doing so, but whatever. Because this whole episode is a shameless rip-off of Pirates Of The Caribbean, Scurvy Cur does not immediately howl and wail and blaze his merry way down to Hell, for he cannot die. Harrr!ve whisks the tip of the dagger across Raige's collarbone to draw a thin line of blood because Raige has still not orbed the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead Brenda. "That's gonna leave a mark," Harrr!ve eyebrows as Raige finally orbs the fuck out of there. Without poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead Brenda, for you shall not suffer fantasy-fodder lipstick lesbians to live. On the WB.