Episode Report Card 127 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 2004.10.03
Somewhere else, but presumably somewhere nearby, Slim slams into a tiny little apartment and locks the door behind her. She deserves to die for that hideous blouse alone. Seriously. It looks like someone (Eilish) scarfed down a rack of vintage Pucci and vomited the resulting mess all over Slim's torso. Slim heaves a sigh of relief now that she's safe, but ooops! She'd left the window open. Dang! Don't you hate when that happens? You're Jamie Lee Curtis, and you're running from something in the fog, and you run and you run and you finally get to your house and safety and slam and lock the door behind you, only to realize you've stupidly left every fricking window in the house open, so the fog creeps in anyway and DEATH! Speaking of death, sorry about your mother's, Lady Haden-Guest. No, seriously. I loved her in The Manchurian Candidate. Anyway, Slim scurries over to shut the window, and yes, the mysterious whistler pops into the frame at that very moment to grab her arm and spin her around into a chokehold. Only he comes at her from behind instead of leaping in through the window along with the mist, because this show is ass, and I want to die. "Anyone tell you not to walk alone at night, witch?" he hisses into her ear, and he's a pirate. No, really. He's got the do-rag and the earrings and the scurvy-ridden teeth and everything. Arrr! He also recently appeared as Richard Dawson in the critically acclaimed Auto Focus, so it's nice to know his career's been going so well lately. The pirate slings Slim over his shoulder in a fireman's carry as Slim cries for the help that of course will never arrive. The scurvy cur then leaps onto the windowsill and vaporizes into the fog as Slim's screams echo into the night. Because Raige will soon require a clue -- and by that I mean an actual, physical clue and not, you know, the brain she's been missing for a good two years, though she's sorely in need of that later on as well -- the pirate manages to drop a skull-emblazoned doubloon as he goes. The coin spins madly on the hardwood floor for a bit before settling into the opening credits.