Episode Report Card 127 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 2004.10.03
...Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. Pepper's furious, as their captain apparently believes she has better things to do with her time than chase after the Manor Morons. He's just announced he's "taking them off the case," and she's throwing a royal fit about it in the Doormat's general direction. The Doormat attempts to convince her that "the Halliwells are really, really good people," but Pepper just slaps her hand down on a file that's about a foot thick and snorts, "Six years of unsolved crimes -- of all types -- all mysteriously connected to them." "I don't care what you say," she concludes, settling back into her chair and obstinately crossing her arms. "That's not 'good people.'" After a beat during which Dorian Gregory bites his lower lip and tries to look sad, Pepper snatches up the phone and plugs in a series of numbers. She's dialing the FBI lab again in the hope those Feds she so disdains can provide her with the physical evidence she needs to continue her investigation. A well-manicured set of fingers enters the frame to punch the hook switch as the camera pans up a blue-jacketed arm to arrive on Kerr "I Hate Kissing Guys, Even Though I Am Paid $50,000 An Episode To Do So" Smith's pouty little mug. "You want the Feds?" he asks rhetorically. "You got 'em." Jesus Christ, Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, hasn't aged a frigging day. In fact, I think he's regressed. Compared to the Doormat and Pepper here, he looks like he's fifteen years old. We'll get back to that later though, for after Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, flashes his badge, we're off to...
...Not!warts, where Raige and her failing eyesight peer futilely at various potion bottles as Piper arrives with a bit of information on Harrr!ve. "I think I found something!" Piper calls from halfway across the room. "Haaahnh?" Raige grunts, for she's losing her hearing as well. Oy. Piper approaches with a convenient volume opened to an entry for the pirate in question, from which she notes, "He tricked a witch into falling for him in the eighteenth century so she could give him immortality." Piper goes on to relate that Harrr!ve "cut her heart out with the same athame she used to curse him." Raige, losing what's left of her scattered mind along with her sight and her hearing, has difficulty following the conversation, but she attributes this to concern for poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead Brenda, whom, you'll recall, Raige left with the pirates instead of ORBING HER THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAVE. Whatever! Raige mumbles something about "the gathering storm" before turning her rapidly dwindling attention back to the potions she's mixing. Phoebe jiggles in at this moment with a cheery "Yo-ho, hello!" "Did you just call me a ho?" Piper eyebrows. Okay, so I added a little emphasis to the line that was not present in Holly Marie Combs's reading of same. Sue me. "How'd you get here?" Piper continues. "A pirate never betrays his secrets," Phoebe stupidly replies. Piper shoots Phoebe A Look, when Piper should be shooting Phoebe with her Hands Of Discontent. "[The Dolt] orbed me," Phoebe finally admits, dropping the silly pretense before encouraging Piper to ask her anything at all about "buccaneers." Because Phoebe's an expert on the topic now that she's talked to Nick Lachey about it. Stupid show.