Episode Report Card Demian: B- | 159 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The Second)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 23 | Aired on 2003.05.11
Night s-l-o-w-l-y fades into day. Over on Prescott Street, Phoebe and Raige whip up some fixings for brunch up in the Manor kitchen, babbling all the while about things I really don't care about. Like Chronic. And Raige's non-existent career goals. And the Dolt. As they tote their plates over to the dining room table, the doorbell rings. Darryl and The Dazzling Mrs. -- who, by the way, has yet to receive a first name -- enter with a floral arrangement and near-funereal attitudes. The four discuss Piper's current situation in hushed tones, like Piper just found out she has the cancer. Piper bursts through the gloom by bubbling down the stairs with hearty hugs and hellos for her houseguests. After the initial greetings, the conversation grinds to an uncomfortable halt. "Come on, guys!" Piper perks. "This is a celebration! [The Dolt] got promoted. We should all be happy for him. I am." Quizzical looks greet this last statement, but Piper insists that she's not lying to cover her real opinions on the matter; nor should anyone else see what just happened as some kind of loss. She invites everyone to sit while she races back upstairs for the baby monitor. Phoebe and Raige send Darryl and The Dazzling Mrs. into the dining room, then scuttle to the foot of the stairs for an urgently whispered processing summit. "That wasn't Piper," Phoebe hisses. "Maybe she moved on," Raige shrugs. "Piper doesn't move on. She fights," Phoebe insists. "I'm telling you, that wasn't Piper!" Is that a DUN!? It might be a DUN! Then again, it could just be Phoebe's stupidity marching to the fore one more time before the season's over. I suppose we'll have to wait until September to find out what's really going on.
Outside, Big Gay Chris relaxes on the front steps. The Dolt -- get this -- orbs onto the front walk in his hideous gold-toned velour robe. Way to go, Dolt. Wouldn't want to expose that magic to the neighbors and all those random passers-by, now would we? Asshole. How is this tool anything but a brainless douche? The Dolt's arrived to discuss the ever-useless Elders' plans for Big Gay Chris. It's clear he can't return to the future, as his original timeline's been obliterated by events over the last two endless hours. So, the ever-useless Elders have decided that, in light of the Dolt's promotion, Big Gay Chris is to assume the Dolt's former responsibilities as the Glamorous Ladies' Whitelighter. Hooray! Oh, but it gets even better. When the idiot Dolt orbs back up into the sky for the return trip to Heaven, Chris flicks out a jazz hand and blows the worthless Dolt right the fuck up! That would rate a DUN! if I actually gave a rat's ass about the stupid Dolt. But I don't, so for now I'll just be planning the civil union ceremony Big Gay Chris and I will have in Vermont at his earliest convenience. You know, ever since gay marriage first became a possibility in Hawaii ten years ago, I've wondered about the etiquette for a same-sex ceremony. I mean, would it be "Mr. and Mrs. Demian's Parents request the honor of your presence at the civil commitment ceremony uniting their son and his most recent partner-in-life, Chris Perry, the delightful parricide and son of Widow Dolt of San Francisco"? Or would Piper be the one to handle that job? Who pays? My parents, or the Glamorous Ladies? Should the families go Dutch? Would it be rude to ask Piper to handle the catering, seeing as how I hated my dead would-be father-in-law so much?