Episode Report Card Demian: B- | 159 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The Second)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 23 | Aired on 2003.05.11
Down on the sun porch, Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits smack Phoebe and Raige around with a little telekinetic mojo of their own. Piper swirls onto the sun porch from above in a cloud of dead leaves. The Bs hurl electricity and flame at -- get this -- her womb. Sweet Jesus. Earth Goddess Piper's Super Uterus chews up the Titan wickedness and spits it right back out. "It's not nice to piss off Mother Nature," she intones with a slight arch of her brow. She calmly spreads wide her arms, and a gaping hole opens up in the sun porch floor. After encountering Earth Goddess Piper's Super Uterus, I'm sad to say that the hole in the floor resembles nothing so much as it does a giant reverse birth canal leading straight down into Hell. And now that I've noticed that, I can no longer bear to look at this scene. The Giant Reverse Birth Canal Leading Straight Down Into Hell swallows a chandelier shaken loose from its mooring, then a cabinet, and then, finally, Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits. Raige helps that last bit along by aiming her trident at their feet, hacking away with lightning bolts the final bits of flooring that kept the Titans out of The Giant Reverse Birth Canal. Once Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits have vanished for good, Piper seals up The Canal To Hell. Phoebe, by the way, contributed absolutely nothing to that battle. Figures.
The Dolt lopes in to offer his congratulations, and then suggests that the Glamorous Goddesses are now ready to return The Mythological Mojo back to its alabaster urn. Piper shoots him this glorious "bite my ass, dicksmack," glare, and swirls out of there. Phoebe and Raige avert their eyes as the Dolt grimaces all the way into the commercial break.
Manor parlor. The Dolt sucks the goddessy goodness out of Raige and places it all in the urn. Raige, delighted that she's rid herself of her elevated powers, joins the already de-goddessed Feebs on the sofa to scry for Piper. The Dolt's all, "Well, call me when you find her," and he orbs on out of there. Irked at the Dolt's decidedly un-Dolt-like callousness as far as Piper's imperiled humanity is concerned, Phoebe and Raige demand that Big Gay Chris level with them: Is the Dolt a goddamned Elder or not? "He's on the path," Chris grins, with a somewhat sarcastically reverent tone coloring his voice. "Don't give us that creepy pod-people smile," Phoebe snarls. "In your world, being an Elder may be cool, but in our world, it pretty much sucks." I feel absolutely filthy for saying this, but preach it, Phoebe. Just as the gals work themselves into a lather, the raging thunderstorm outside sends a small tree through the parlor's front window. Raige puts storm-tossed tree and deadbeat husband together, and realizes that Piper's trying to drown San Francisco. Well, you know, if you're a goddess and you have absolutely nothing better to do, drowning San Francisco might seem like a fun way to spend an evening. Especially if Judd Winick still lives there. Whoa. Where the hell did that come from? Anyway, Phoebe and Raige bang their heads together and decide that, were they to set about destroying an entire city, they'd probably head to the highest point possible to enjoy the show.