Episode Report Card M. Giant: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Unhappy Campers
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.10.2005
I saw Air Force One once, when I happened to be flying out of Minneapolis-St. Paul on the same day the President was arriving. I wasn't as close as Camper Guy is, but then, it was all in one piece when I saw it, so I think we're about even.
11:15:40. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn hangs out in an office with the Veep, making him nervous; Camper Guy roots around in the debris while Camper Chick holds a cell phone as close to the satellite as she can; and Bitchelle stands around looking nervous. And we soon see why: Soul Patch is in a meeting with Buchanan, who's going over the 25th Amendment -- which, you'll recall from Season Two, is the one that stipulates that the Vice President assumes office if the President is incapacitated. Or if enough Cabinet members think the President is being dumb. Buchanan tells Soul Patch that the Cabinet will need to be briefed, and Soul Patch says he'll take care of it. Buchanan natters on obliviously: "Not all Cabinet members are equal. State and Defense need more detail than, say, Agriculture and Treasury." Agriculture, sure, but since the Secret Service is under Treasury, I think that department might be interested. Soul Patch is snippy, and Buchanan is actually acting kind of embarrassed. Soul Patch gets up to go, but Buchanan stops him: "I've noticed a little hostility on your part. If it's about me and Bitchelle…" Called out, Soul Patch says, "It's none of my business. And as far as the hostility goes, I can promise you: it's over with." Buchanan wants to add that as much as he respects Bitchelle, "Outside of work, we never got off the ground." "You did it on the ground?" Soul Patch doesn't say. Buchanan figures that Bitchelle still has feelings for Soul Patch. Which officially makes Soul Patch the last person in the world to realize that. Before Soul Patch has to answer, Potato Face comes in with the news that the rescue teams have reached Air Force One. Buchanan follows her out to the floor, with Soul Patch not far behind. It's 11:17:02.
Folks gather around the CTU big screen, where a live video feed from one of the rescue officers is being broadcast. They're already inside the mostly-intact-but-totally-Keith-Mooned fuselage of Air Force One, picking over bodies. The shaky, grainy Blair Witch-cam follows one officer into the conference room, where they soon find the First Preppie, who's totally dead. They also find the President, facedown on the floor. He's alive, despite having been standing up during a crash that would have undoubtedly rattled him and his son around the conference room like dice in a Yahtzee cup. The rescue guy calls for medevac teams ASAP. They're not already on their way? Buchanan goes off to make a phone call.