Episode Report Card M. Giant: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Unhappy Campers
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.10.2005
Kiefer, in his one-on-one shootout, gets the code from DoDder: *76114. Well, that was easy. He calls Camper Guy back, returning fire the whole time, and tells Camper Guy to open up the case. Camper Guy relays the instructions and the code to Camper Chick, who quickly opens the case. I always imagined the Football as just containing one big, red button, but there's clearly more to it than that. Kiefer says the case should contain a phone, a control board, and a book with colored pages. This last item is called the Playbook. Kiefer tells Camper Guy to take the Playbook and give the case to Camper Chick. He wants them kept separate because one item is useless without the other. But how will that help if the Campers are running around together? "I need you and your wife to split up," Kiefer says. Oh. Camper Guy relays this to Camper Chick, who says, "I can hear him." Camper Guy balks at ditching his wife, but Kiefer says that if ImhoTerror "gets what he wants, he's going to kill both of you." Their only chance is to split up. Well, I suspect their other chance is to leave the Football in the middle of the floor somewhere visible and make themselves scarce, but Kiefer doesn't offer that as on option. Camper Chick says, "He's kept us alive this far. Let's just do what he says." Ah, so the Velvet works on her even over a cell phone connection and through her husband's head. "Just get here as fast as you can," Camper Guy says, and Kiefer hangs up so he can go back to concentrating properly on getting shot at. The Campers bid each other a tearful farewell, and Camper Guy stuffs the playbook in their backpack, giving her their cell phone and the Football case with everything else in it. They kiss a bunch more, then go off to face their separate deaths. It's 11:39:22.
11:43:44. Camper Guy hides, Kiefer is still pinned down, and Camper Chick lurks. Kiefer spots an empty tin can lying on the ground in front of him, half-buried in dry straw. He grabs it, as well as the dead agent's gun. Which is still full, because the poor bastard never fired a shot. I can see why Soul Patch was so keen to get away from Kiefer earlier today. Kiefer ejects Other Agent's clip and removes the bullets, dropping them into the can. Kiefer fills the rest of the can with dry straw and sets it afire with his lighter, then sets the can down on the ground. He fires a few more shots from his position, just to let the machine-gunner know he's still there, and then sneaks off around the side. Machine-gunner pops out to return fire, but then the flames reach the bullets in the can and all ten of them explode in what sounds like a particularly vicious salvo of covering fire. The machine-gunner dives back into cover, so he misses Kiefer stealing into position around and underneath him. "Hey," Kiefer says, and the guy looks down through a gap in the floorboards just in time for Kiefer to take him out with one shot. Sneaky! How's that bullet hose working for you now, wise guy? And Kiefer enters the building.
It's 11:45:32. Camper Guy is lurking around quietly, as is his wife, but in another part of the building. He hides behind a pipe to avoid getting spotted by ImhoTerror, which is good. But GameBoy Guy comes up behind him and puts a gun to his head, which is bad. "I've got him," GameBoy Guy calls out. ImhoTerror comes running, and takes Camper Guy's backpack while GameBoy Guy frisks Camper Guy and pronounces him clean. ImhoTerror, having found only the Playbook in the backpack, asks where the control board is. "I don't know what you're talking about," Camper Guy stutters, and he's barely finished speaking when ImhoTerror puts a bullet through his shoulder. Camper Guy sinks to the floor, screaming loud enough for his wife to hear him and freeze in horror. ImhoTerror asks about the control board again. Camper Guy pleads ignorance again. ImhoTerror shoots him again, this time in the leg. Camper Guy screams again. Camper Chick has gotten close enough to watch from hiding. Sucks to be her right now. A couple of inches higher, and Camper Guy's baby-making days would have been over. She pulls out the cell phone while Camper Guy's screams redouble. At first I thought he was just being a baby, but now we can see that ImhoTerror is grinding his foot into the fresh bullet wound. But Camper Guy's still not talking. Shit, man, give this guy a fucking medal. I think part of what makes this episode work -- aside from its not being bogged down by a bunch of internal CTU politicking -- is the fact that the terrorism arc has caught up a couple of sympathetic, relatable characters who aren't total idiots and whose fate is by no means certain. Who among us has never wondered how we would fare if the country's nuclear Football somehow fell into our hands and we found ourselves being chased by terrorists through the set of an '80s hair-metal music video?