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Air Force One has crashed, and two important things have survived: The first is President Keeler, but just barely, and now his reluctant Vice President has to be sworn in. It's hard to say what the Veep's more afraid of: his new responsibilities, or Poor Man's Hume Cronyn, who's back and stalking the corridors of power like he owns the place. The other surviving item? The "Football," a briefcase containing all of the codes and information needed to access America's nuclear arsenal. It landed in the desert miles away from the rest of Air Force One, but mere yards away from a couple of camping yuppies. Now it's a race for who can get to them first: Kiefer, or the terrorists? ImhoTerror wins, but Kiefer manages to save the lives of the yuppie campers and recover the Football. Except ImhoTerror got away and -- oops -- there are a few crucial pages missing from the briefcase. Which is the very first thing the new president hears after getting sworn in. As if the poor guy weren't nervous enough already. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hey, welcome to my twenty-fourth recap of 24. It's like the equivalent of having recapped one full season, but with more unanswered questions and unresolved plots. Okay, maybe just one or two more.
Previously on 24: ImhoTerror leaned on NotMandy to prevent Kiefer from finding an incriminating hard drive, and NotMandy died trying. Kiefer figured out that Poor Man's Eric Stoltz had stolen a stealth bomber, and unsuccessfully tried to talk him out of shooting down the President. Someone said, "Air Force One has been fired on," but not so you could hear it during the actual episode. Potato Face reported that AF1 had taken an indirect hit. Kiefer seemed to take it pretty personally. The following takes place between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM.
I hope you didn't have your heart set on seeing an actual plane crash this week, because you're not going to. Even that shot of a burning Air Force One from last week's preview is absent, probably because it a) showed the CGI fire on the wrong side of the plane, and b) was cheesy-looking as hell. Instead, the whole descent is "witnessed" via audio and radar from CTU. The worried voices of Air Force One's crew are being broadcast over the floor. I don't speak pilot, but I'm pretty sure they're saying they're fucked. Potato Face projects that the plane will hit the ground about 20 miles northwest of Indio. Bitchelle orders search and rescue teams from every agency she can think of prepared to head out to the likely crash site. Soul Patch even calls in the CTU troops from Vegas. While that's happening, they lose the voice transmission. Potato Face channel-surfs until she gets it back. The crew announces that they're going in at 160 knots with no landing gear. Ooh, that's gonna be bumpy. The 747's blip disappears from Potato Face's radar screen. "Air Force One is down," she reports. Everyone stands around listening to the radio chatter until DoDder, of all people, rushes in to report that the DoD is reporting ground flashes showing up on surveillance satellites. Yeah, that'll happen. Be sure and let us know if there's smoke, too, okay?
Kiefer trots in and approaches Buchanan, the one person there that he's never met, to ask after Air Force One. "It's down," Buchanan tells this random guy who just ran in off the street, as far as he knows. "Rough landing, radio's down, we don't know if there were any survivors." Kiefer asks if anyone has tried a technobabble channel that should allow them to directly reach any surviving Secret Service guys on the plane. No one has, so Kiefer takes care of it himself. With the help of a government operator, he's quickly on line with a Secret Service guy. "What is the status of the President?" Kiefer asks. "I don't know," says the Secret Service guy, in audible pain. "I can't move yet." Beyond raising his shirt cuff to his mouth, of course. Kiefer says help is on the way, and the agent says he thinks there are other survivors.
Washington, D.C. The Vice President is standing around in his office. I've been trying to figure out why the actor is so familiar, and his ginormous IMDb page doesn't help because I've seen almost nothing on it and remember less. Although I was interested to learn that he's played both John Ashcroft and Arlen Specter. And then I figured it out: he looks like an elongated Richard Nixon. He's wearing a '70s tie and everything. It took me a while because this character is pretty much the opposite of Tricky Dick. None of this is either here or there, of course, but it makes me feel better. So anyway, guess who walks in? Some random dude we've never seen before. I know! Oh, and Poor Man's Hume Cronyn is with him. Whom we haven't seen since the end of Season Two, when Palmer fired him for disloyalty. What's he doing here now? Besides bugging me with his ugly-ass glasses that sit too high and crooked on his face? Well, at the moment, he's notifying the Veep that Air Force One is down and they don't yet know the status of the President. The Veep just stands there daydreaming for a minute, until Poor Man's Hume Cronyn offers some advice, based on their fifteen-year acquaintance: since Keeler is unlikely to be in any shape to run the country, even if he survived, PMHC wants the Veep to prepare to be sworn in as soon as possible, with live media coverage. The Veep calmly says that he doesn't want to act prematurely. PHMC blinks and nods as if the Veep has just delivered some blunt insult about his mother. Awkward pause. PHMC says they're off to the White House for a security briefing. As PHMC and his wingman leave the office, the Veep stands there looking like he's just suffered some awful humiliation. Like PMHC fucked him up the ass with a toilet brush or something. What the hell is going on between these two? It's not even clear what PMHC's actual job is, whether he works for the Keeler or the Veep. I'm operating on the assumption that he's serving as the Veep's senior advisor, and I had to learn that by looking it up on a fan site. Besides which, why is Palmer's disgraced former Chief of Staff working for the administration of the guy who ran against Palmer in the last general election anyway? Maybe the 24-verse doesn't have political parties or something.
Speaking of briefings, there's one going on at CTU right now. Buchanan reports to the assembled troops that Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's stolen stealth fighter was shot down by one of Air Force One's escort fighters. A little late there, flyboy. The status of the President is still unknown, but since rescue teams are minutes away, they'll know before long. Bitchelle tells everyone to "rededicate" themselves to finding ImhoTerror: "I don't want a single lead ignored or a shred of evidence missed." Since we've been hearing all season long about how this person or that connection or the other computer file is "our only lead," there doesn't seem to be much chance of that. End of meeting.
11:07:12. Kiefer pulls Bitchelle aside to ask her to set him up at a workstation so he can help with the search for ImhoTerror. "He has to be within a fifty-mile radius," Kiefer says. Since ImhoTerror's escaped from a fifty-yard radius twice this evening, I'm not sure how that's so encouraging. But before Kiefer can continue, DoDder interrupts: she just got off the phone with DaD (who is sitting out yet another episode, having gotten good and tired of spending all his time being DoDder's on-call agony advisor), and they now have a higher priority than finding ImhoTerror: finding the nuclear Football. Bitchelle says, "Didn't it go down with Air Force One?" DoDder says that the damage to the plane caused a lot of things to be sucked out before it hit the ground, including the Football. And the unlucky Secret Service agent whose wrist it was handcuffed to, presumably. Fortunately, they know the exact location of the Football, due to a transponder in the casing. Kiefer's like, "Well, good." I don't know why I think it's funny when Kiefer is the least worried person in the room. He's usually screaming at everyone else about how they're running out of time, and how listening to him is the only way to avert total global disaster, but now his entire demeanor towards DoDder is like, "Whoa, climb down from your tree, there, Stress Monkey." DoDder says that DaD wants Kiefer to head up the Football retrieval team personally. Kiefer's confused. DoDder explains to everyone what the Football is: "That case contains the codes and locations of our entire. Nuclear. Arsenal. Nothing is more critical than getting it back, and as quickly as possible." "Fine," Kiefer grumps, not nearly as flattered as he should be. Bitchelle leaves to get Kiefer's team ready to go.
Kiefer asks DoDder the Football's location. It's "40 miles northeast of here in the middle of the desert," DoDder says, placing CTU quite some distance away from where I thought it was. Unless she's using the phrase "middle of the desert" loosely, which I hope she is, because mentally relocating CTU to the edge of Death Valley is kind of a stretch. Kiefer just looks at her for a second. Aren't we dating or something?, he seems to be thinking. DoDder, not privy to his inner monologue, turns to go without another word. Kiefer stops her: "What's wrong?" he asks. "What else is happening?" DoDder sadly says that Grayadder may have to go back into surgery, since the bullet's damage may have been worse than originally feared. Well, jeez, maybe the CTU clinic should have taken the time to get it right the first time. DoDder's feeling guilty about not trusting Grayadder. Kiefer cuts that off, saying he alone is responsible for the decision on how to handle Grayadder. Is he talking about the torture thing? Because Grayadder himself seemed to be over that when he volunteered to join Kiefer on the mission that got him beaten up and shot. Kiefer tells DoDder, "If you want to remain effective…to be able to do your job…you have to let it go." My only question: "Remain"? DoDder tells him, "That's your gift. You're able to block things out. I can't do that." No, she's got plenty of other ways to be an asshole, and we just saw one of them. Before Kiefer can respond to the putdown, Lispy Skip calls across the floor to tell him that his chopper's ready to go. "I should change and get ready," Kiefer says, and takes his leave. Sorry, Kieferettes, but he's not going to be changing on camera.
The Mojave Desert, 11:09:55. We get a simultaneous subtitle and clock, which is unusual. Near a campfire, some bearded guy is standing outside waving a flashlight around and peering into the darkness. A woman comes out of the tent behind him, asking what's wrong. He says something woke him up. "Sounded like some kind of explosion or something." So they went to bed without banking their fire? Way to risk burning down the desert, people. She says it was probably just a bad dream, but he doesn't quit scanning. She thinks he's still "stressed about work," and reminds him why they came out here: "To relax…and to make a baby." They mack. But before a baby is made before our very eyes, Camper Guy looks over his wife's shoulder, and now that he's not shining the flashlight anymore, he can see what looks like a small fire some distance off. They walk towards it until they top a small ridge and come across what looks like a pretty large debris field, with a stream flowing through it. I assume the stream was there first. Unless it's a stream made of jet fuel, in which case I would advise against having a cigarette. There's more burning wreckage lying around -- mostly suitcases and clothes, but no actual humans -- and, oddly enough, what might be an emergency exit door, standing erect in the ground like a giant lawn dart. The husband shines his flashlight on it and calls his wife over to see his discovery: the Presidential Seal. It's 11:11:15.
I saw Air Force One once, when I happened to be flying out of Minneapolis-St. Paul on the same day the President was arriving. I wasn't as close as Camper Guy is, but then, it was all in one piece when I saw it, so I think we're about even.
11:15:40. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn hangs out in an office with the Veep, making him nervous; Camper Guy roots around in the debris while Camper Chick holds a cell phone as close to the satellite as she can; and Bitchelle stands around looking nervous. And we soon see why: Soul Patch is in a meeting with Buchanan, who's going over the 25th Amendment -- which, you'll recall from Season Two, is the one that stipulates that the Vice President assumes office if the President is incapacitated. Or if enough Cabinet members think the President is being dumb. Buchanan tells Soul Patch that the Cabinet will need to be briefed, and Soul Patch says he'll take care of it. Buchanan natters on obliviously: "Not all Cabinet members are equal. State and Defense need more detail than, say, Agriculture and Treasury." Agriculture, sure, but since the Secret Service is under Treasury, I think that department might be interested. Soul Patch is snippy, and Buchanan is actually acting kind of embarrassed. Soul Patch gets up to go, but Buchanan stops him: "I've noticed a little hostility on your part. If it's about me and Bitchelle…" Called out, Soul Patch says, "It's none of my business. And as far as the hostility goes, I can promise you: it's over with." Buchanan wants to add that as much as he respects Bitchelle, "Outside of work, we never got off the ground." "You did it on the ground?" Soul Patch doesn't say. Buchanan figures that Bitchelle still has feelings for Soul Patch. Which officially makes Soul Patch the last person in the world to realize that. Before Soul Patch has to answer, Potato Face comes in with the news that the rescue teams have reached Air Force One. Buchanan follows her out to the floor, with Soul Patch not far behind. It's 11:17:02.
Folks gather around the CTU big screen, where a live video feed from one of the rescue officers is being broadcast. They're already inside the mostly-intact-but-totally-Keith-Mooned fuselage of Air Force One, picking over bodies. The shaky, grainy Blair Witch-cam follows one officer into the conference room, where they soon find the First Preppie, who's totally dead. They also find the President, facedown on the floor. He's alive, despite having been standing up during a crash that would have undoubtedly rattled him and his son around the conference room like dice in a Yahtzee cup. The rescue guy calls for medevac teams ASAP. They're not already on their way? Buchanan goes off to make a phone call.
Inside the White House, Poor Man's Hume Cronyn answers a ringing cordless phone and hands it to the Veep. It's of course Buchanan, telling the Veep that Keeler's alive. The Veep lets out such a dorky giggle of relief that it couldn't be anything but sincere. The bad news, as Buchanan reports it: "He's in critical condition, he's lost a lot of blood, there's no chance he's going to be able to lead this country. Certainly not for a few days and probably much longer." The Veep looks thunderstruck. Buchanan recommends that the Veep invoke the 25th Amendment and take control as soon as possible. "I understand," the Veep manages, and hangs up. He turns to face PMHC, who's standing behind him with an appraising look on his face. The Veep gives PMHC the news, saying, "We should, uh, we should probably contact the Cabinet members." PMHC says he's already got that covered. "You did that without my permission?" the Veep snaps ineffectually. This "display" of "temper" intimidates PMHC about as much as I'd be intimidated by an angry Jell-O mold, as he says that the Veep had enough to worry about. The Veep lets it go, naturally. PMHC asks if he should start collecting votes. Without looking at him, the Veep tells him to go ahead. PHMC leaves him standing under the portrait of Lincoln, suffering grievously by comparison.
Out in the desert, our self-appointed NTSB investigators are still, respectively, rummaging around and trying to get a signal on their cell phone. It's 11:19:47. Camper Guy comes across a metal case with the lid emblazoned with the Presidential Seal. The lid is slightly ajar, and not twenty yards away like it should be. Camper Guy moves the lid aside to reveal a briefcase ensconced in foam rubber. I'm disappointed to see that the outer case does not also contain a deeply freaked-out Secret Service agent handcuffed to the briefcase. Meanwhile, Camper Chick finally has a cell phone signal. Fortunately for them, their connection problems are over for the rest of the episode. Camper Guy calls her over to see his newest discovery. He's pretty much already figured out what it is, having once read an article about the Football. "It goes everywhere the President goes," he says. "He can launch an attack from it." I think Tony Blair also has one, but his is round. "We gotta call someone," he says. They decide to start with the police, on the theory that "they'll put us through to the right people." I'm sure that'll only take a couple of hours.
One of those people is already in the air over non-blacked-out L.A., watching a digital readout showing the location of the Football's transponder. I'm speaking, of course, of Kiefer. Since he doesn't have anything else going on right now, he gives DoDder a call. Kiefer wants to clarify what he was saying earlier: "I care. I care about you. I care about what happened to Grayadder. I feel completely responsible for it. But right now this country is under attack and I've got a job to do and I don't have a choice." DoDder says she knows what Kiefer's doing is important. Well, she should; she's the one who told him it was. Kiefer says he just didn't want to leave it like that. He's got another call coming in, and tells her to hold on. DoDder demonstrates that she's paying attention; she says he should take the call and "stay focused on what you have to do." Good for her. Kiefer agrees, and just like that, all the boring relationship stuff is out of the way barely twenty minutes into the episode. I approve. If we could get it wrapped up by the end of the previouslies week, that would be even better.
Kiefer's other call is from Soul Patch, who says he's got a guy on the line who seems to have found the Football. Wow, the police sure found "the right people" quickly. Kiefer tells Soul Patch to put Camper Guy through, and to stay on the line. He switches his phone over to the call from Camper Guy. They exchange introductions and quickly get down to business. Kiefer asks Camper Guy to describe the case. He obliges: "It's a black, leather briefcase. It's got numbered paneling over by the handle. It's in a protective case that has the Presidential Seal on it." Kiefer says that sounds like the Football, all right, and he's in a helicopter on his way there now, twenty minutes away (although the closed captioning says thirty). "I just want you to hang out there and wait for me." Camper Guy says that he thinks someone beat Kiefer to the punch, going by the headlights he now sees on the horizon.
Kiefer tells Camper Guy to hold on, and asks Soul Patch if there are any ground units in that area. Soul Patch says there's no one, since all state agencies are still working on the evacuation. Uh-oh. This can't be good. Kiefer asks Camper Guy if the headlights are headed in his direction, and Camper Guy says they are. "This situation just got a lot more complicated than we thought," Kiefer understates. He explains about the Football's transponder and how it allows anyone to track it as long as they have the right frequency. Camper Guy is right there with him: "You think someone got a hold of the frequency who's not supposed to have it." Kiefer says that's a safe assumption, and that that "someone" is probably "the terrorists who carried out today's attacks." Camper Guy seems to know what Kiefer's talking about, despite being out in the middle of nowhere. Kiefer wants Camper Guy to remove the transponder, take the Football, and make a run for it. Camper Guy, starting to get nervous now, gets ready to follow Kiefer's instructions. Kiefer says the transponder is tiny and designed to not be found. Camper Guy is going to need a flashlight and a compass. Fortunately, they have both items with them and don't have to run all the way back to their campsite. Kiefer tells Camper Guy to move the compass slowly over the surface of the case, and the transponder's weak electromagnetic field should be enough to move the needle. Camper Guy hands his wife his flashlight, and she illuminates the compass while he slowly slides it along the case. It's really nerve-wracking, because those headlights are getting closer and he's got no choice but to take his time. After what seems like a couple of long minutes, he finds the transponder. Kiefer tells him to scrape that area with a knife or sharp rock. He does so, probably hoping that he doesn't end up getting in trouble for damaging government property. Those headlights are getting very close indeed. Kiefer tells Camper Guy to put the compass back over the area where he scraped. The needle doesn't move now. "All right, you've disabled it. Good work," Kiefer says. Shouldn't Kiefer have been able to tell that when the transponder's signal disappeared from his screen? In any case, Kiefer asks how far away the approaching vehicle is. "Not far," says Camper Guy. Kiefer tells them to take the Football and start moving in any direction. They do. Hey, you know what would come in handy for them right now? A car. But apparently they hiked into the middle of the Mojave desert, because they're hoofing it now. Kiefer switches back over to Soul Patch and tells him to have satellite surveillance of the whole area put on Kiefer's screen. Like that'll help. We've already seen that ImhoTerror is invisible to satellites.
It's 11:25:12 as a pair of Jeeps with roof light racks come to a stop on the desert trail. A guy gets out of one of them, holding a handheld electronic device with a little screen on it. He approaches ImhoTerror, who's in the shotgun seat of the other Jeep and wanting to know why they've stopped. I want to know how they got enough of a head start to arrive faster than Kiefer's helicopter, but my questions tend to not get answered on this show. The guy with the GameBoy says they've lost the signal, guessing that the transponder was damaged on impact. "And it just happens to malfunction now that we're getting closer?" ImhoTerror asks slowly. Aw, he's starting to get sleepy. Go ahead and take a nap, big guy. Instead, he tells GameBoy Guy to start scanning the area for cell phones. That must be a pretty nice GameBoy.
Speaking of cell phones, the Campers are running through the desert when their cell phone rings. Good thing they can still get a signal. They stop to answer it. Kiefer tells him they found an unmanned reserve power station "about a half a mile north of you." Camper Guy remembers it from the map. A half mile away? They're out in the middle of nowhere. He should remember it from daylight. Kiefer tells them to get there, break in, and hide. He also wants them to not use their flashlights, and to take the batteries out of their cell phone. He's already onto ImhoTerror's scanning strategy, you see. He says Camper Guy can put the batteries back in if he needs to contact Kiefer, but only in emergencies, and gives Camper Guy his direct line. Which, oddly enough, is the same phone number that TerrorTeen's girlfriend's mom has. Hmmmm. Kiefer hangs up, and the Campers are off again.
But it's too late, because the terrorist with the GameBoy homed in on the cell phone signal long enough to figure out that they're headed north. Another henchman checks the map and finds the power station. "Whoever has the Football," ImhoTerror says, "that's where they're headed." Uh oh. So much for hiding. It's 11:27:12.
11:31:36. The Veep veeps, Kiefer flies, and the Campers run. They still haven't turned off their flashlights, the idiots. But they've reached the power station, a rather large, dilapidated building surrounded by enough floodlights that it would have been visible from a much longer way off than ImhoTerror's headlights were. They easily break in by smashing a window with a rock. The interior of the building is dimly lit, a cavernous maze of giant pipes, conduits, and catwalks. Add a few steam clouds and welder babes in bikinis and it would be as well suited for an '80s hair-metal music video as it is for a suspenseful game of cat-and-mouse. I hope I'm not giving anything away by saying that. "We're not in any danger, right?" asks Camper Chick once they're inside. "I mean, how could anyone even know that we're here?" Camper Guy makes reassuring noises, then sarcastically comments, "Well, a nice, relaxing weekend in the desert, just like I said." Wait, it's a weekend? Those people at IDS Systems are even more diligent than I thought. Then he peers out the window he just broke to see that the Jeeps are already arriving. Whoopsie. "I gotta call Kiefer," he says.
Even with headphones on and riding in a helicopter, Kiefer hears his cell phone ring. He's all business when Camper Guy tells him the terrorists are there: "How many?" I can tell you right now that although it seems like there should be more, ImhoTerror only brought three guys with him. Because he apparently figured that either the Football would get sucked out of the plane before it crashed, or that four terrorists would be sufficient to take on the army of people who'd be swarming over the actual wreck, looking for the President. I'm pretty sure it's the former. In which case, how is CTU supposed to stop a guy who can predict the future, anyway? This is so unfair. In any case, all Camper Guy knows about ImhoTerror's away team is that they've arrived in two Jeeps. He worriedly wonders when Kiefer's going to get there. Kiefer tells him to stand by and switches over to Soul Patch, who's just uploading the power station schematics to Kiefer's screen. Kiefer switches back to Camper Guy and tells him to go to the "lower level, southeast corner." Camper Guy tells Kiefer, "Please hurry." "We are," Kiefer says.
It's 11:33:29 as ImhoTerror and his men stride in through the door that Camper Guy didn't bother to lock again. He orders his men to "find them." They fan out. The Campers, meanwhile, have just found the stairs leading down. Camper Chick says, "Wait -- what if it's a dead end?" Just then bullets start pinging around them, and dead end or no, they're out of options. They're going down one way or another. The terrorist who shot at them -- GameBoy Guy, as it happens -- tells the arriving ImhoTerror that they're chasing a man and a woman, and the whole group runs to the top of the staircase down which the fleeing couple disappeared. ImhoTerror orders GameBoy Guy to "follow them and flush them out," and the others to cut off the exits. Downstairs, the Campers reach the far end of the "lower level" and head up the stairs, just one turn ahead of GameBoy Guy the whole time. ImhoTerror hears the whirring blades of the helicopter arriving outside and tells his nearest minion, "Intercept it."
It's 11:35:32 as the chopper lands outside. Kiefer hops out, gun at the ready, as does a faceless doomed sidekick. This is Kiefer's tactical team? Him and another guy? They head towards the power station and the aircraft lifts off again. They reach an outbuilding just behind the station. Kiefer crouches down against the corrugated metal wall while the other agent hangs out about ten feet away from it, just asking to get shot. Kiefer's cell phone rings. "Where are you?" demands Camper Guy. Kiefer says he just landed and asks where Camper Guy is. He says they're in the lower level. Again, I suppose. But they're still moving, in any case. Just then the other agent gets his wish, as a machine gun with a ridiculously high rate of fire opens up from inside another nearby outbuilding, this one on stilts. Back when my friends and I were spending way too much of the late '90s playing Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64, there was one weapon in that game that fired about a hundred rounds per second. We called it the "bullet hose." The machine pistol that killed Kiefer's partner before the poor guy even got to say a line releases a similar deluge of lead. Kiefer returns fire with his little automatic handgun, but to little avail. Camper Guy, hearing the shots over the phone, fearfully calls Kiefer's name, knowing that if the cavalry gets its ass shot off, he doesn't stand much of a chance either. "You still there?" Kiefer says. Camper Guy says they can't keep hiding. Kiefer says he knows, and tells them to keep moving. He takes a few more potshots at Machine Gun Guy, then calls CTU and has Lispy Skip transfer him to DoDder, giving Skip his second of two lines this hour. Kiefer explains that he's under fire and the "other agent's been killed." "Other agent"? They're not even trying any more. Kiefer asks DoDder for the current code to open the Football.
While she's pulling it up, the Campers are climbing some ladder inside the building. GameBoy Guy isn't far behind, but he goes right past their hiding place. Whew. ["I felt like one of the Campers should have whaled GBG with the Football and snagged his weapon here. I know ImhoTerror had to get the Football, because there are seven episodes left, but still." -- Sars]
Kiefer, in his one-on-one shootout, gets the code from DoDder: *. Well, that was easy. He calls Camper Guy back, returning fire the whole time, and tells Camper Guy to open up the case. Camper Guy relays the instructions and the code to Camper Chick, who quickly opens the case. I always imagined the Football as just containing one big, red button, but there's clearly more to it than that. Kiefer says the case should contain a phone, a control board, and a book with colored pages. This last item is called the Playbook. Kiefer tells Camper Guy to take the Playbook and give the case to Camper Chick. He wants them kept separate because one item is useless without the other. But how will that help if the Campers are running around together? "I need you and your wife to split up," Kiefer says. Oh. Camper Guy relays this to Camper Chick, who says, "I can hear him." Camper Guy balks at ditching his wife, but Kiefer says that if ImhoTerror "gets what he wants, he's going to kill both of you." Their only chance is to split up. Well, I suspect their other chance is to leave the Football in the middle of the floor somewhere visible and make themselves scarce, but Kiefer doesn't offer that as on option. Camper Chick says, "He's kept us alive this far. Let's just do what he says." Ah, so the Velvet works on her even over a cell phone connection and through her husband's head. "Just get here as fast as you can," Camper Guy says, and Kiefer hangs up so he can go back to concentrating properly on getting shot at. The Campers bid each other a tearful farewell, and Camper Guy stuffs the playbook in their backpack, giving her their cell phone and the Football case with everything else in it. They kiss a bunch more, then go off to face their separate deaths. It's 11:39:22.
11:43:44. Camper Guy hides, Kiefer is still pinned down, and Camper Chick lurks. Kiefer spots an empty tin can lying on the ground in front of him, half-buried in dry straw. He grabs it, as well as the dead agent's gun. Which is still full, because the poor bastard never fired a shot. I can see why Soul Patch was so keen to get away from Kiefer earlier today. Kiefer ejects Other Agent's clip and removes the bullets, dropping them into the can. Kiefer fills the rest of the can with dry straw and sets it afire with his lighter, then sets the can down on the ground. He fires a few more shots from his position, just to let the machine-gunner know he's still there, and then sneaks off around the side. Machine-gunner pops out to return fire, but then the flames reach the bullets in the can and all ten of them explode in what sounds like a particularly vicious salvo of covering fire. The machine-gunner dives back into cover, so he misses Kiefer stealing into position around and underneath him. "Hey," Kiefer says, and the guy looks down through a gap in the floorboards just in time for Kiefer to take him out with one shot. Sneaky! How's that bullet hose working for you now, wise guy? And Kiefer enters the building.
It's 11:45:32. Camper Guy is lurking around quietly, as is his wife, but in another part of the building. He hides behind a pipe to avoid getting spotted by ImhoTerror, which is good. But GameBoy Guy comes up behind him and puts a gun to his head, which is bad. "I've got him," GameBoy Guy calls out. ImhoTerror comes running, and takes Camper Guy's backpack while GameBoy Guy frisks Camper Guy and pronounces him clean. ImhoTerror, having found only the Playbook in the backpack, asks where the control board is. "I don't know what you're talking about," Camper Guy stutters, and he's barely finished speaking when ImhoTerror puts a bullet through his shoulder. Camper Guy sinks to the floor, screaming loud enough for his wife to hear him and freeze in horror. ImhoTerror asks about the control board again. Camper Guy pleads ignorance again. ImhoTerror shoots him again, this time in the leg. Camper Guy screams again. Camper Chick has gotten close enough to watch from hiding. Sucks to be her right now. A couple of inches higher, and Camper Guy's baby-making days would have been over. She pulls out the cell phone while Camper Guy's screams redouble. At first I thought he was just being a baby, but now we can see that ImhoTerror is grinding his foot into the fresh bullet wound. But Camper Guy's still not talking. Shit, man, give this guy a fucking medal. I think part of what makes this episode work -- aside from its not being bogged down by a bunch of internal CTU politicking -- is the fact that the terrorism arc has caught up a couple of sympathetic, relatable characters who aren't total idiots and whose fate is by no means certain. Who among us has never wondered how we would fare if the country's nuclear Football somehow fell into our hands and we found ourselves being chased by terrorists through the set of an '80s hair-metal music video?
Kiefer's in the "lower level" when his cell phone rings. If there's ever a time to put your phone on vibrate, I'd think this would be it. Camper Chick tells Kiefer, in a not-at-all-quiet voice, that the bad guys have her husband and they're on the second floor. Good thing her husband's screaming is preventing her from giving herself away. Kiefer tries to get her to stay on the phone, but she tearfully says she can't. She hangs up, and Kiefer's moving again. ImhoTerror's torture of Camper Guy continues, until Camper Chick presents herself at the end of the hallway and tells them to stop: "I have what you want." ImhoTerror demands it, but she wants him to let Camper Guy go first. Instead, ImhoTerror smirks and holds his gun up to Camper Guy's forehead. Camper Chick screams. Wherever Kiefer is, he hears it and starts moving faster. Camper Chick cracks and says, "I'll give it to you if you promise not to kill us." ImhoTerror drops the smirk. "I won't kill you," he says. "I promise." He sounds sincere enough that Camper Chick tells him it's behind the pillar from behind which she just appeared. GameBoy Guy hurries over to grab it. The fourth bad guy has shown up at some point as well. It's 11:48:46 as GameBoy Guy reports that the case is locked. Camper Chick gives ImhoTerror the code. At first I thought that maybe the code automatically changes every time the case is opened and the Campers would be seriously screwed, but GameBoy Guy is able to open the case easily. Lucky Campers. He reports, "It's here." "Let's go," says ImhoTerror cheerfully, and Camper Chick rushes to her husband's side as the three men start to leave. But when they're out of earshot, ImhoTerror tells the fourth bad guy, "Kill them." Ooh, Campers not so lucky after all. I hope this means at least one less virgin for ImhoTerror when he reaches paradise. Bad Guy #4 approaches menacingly, and the Campers scream in panic as he raises his gun. On the plus side, I bet Camper Guy's not so stressed about work any more.
But Kiefer arrives just in time to take the bad guy down with two well-placed shots. He calls for a medic on his communicator. I don't know where he thinks the medic is coming from, since it's just the one CTU helicopter out there right now. Kiefer tells Camper Chick that her husband is going to be okay, and asks where the Football is. Camper Chick weepily says, "They have it. They went out that door. I'm sorry." Kiefer: "Don't be. You did great. Thank you." Aw. No medal, though. He gets back on his earpiece and barks, "Air support, two hostiles just left the building. I do not have possession of the Football." He rushes out in pursuit of ImhoTerror, leaving Camper Guy to bleed to death in peace. It's 11:50:02.
Oh, give it up, Ridley Scott. If they won't give Martin Scorsese an Oscar, you're sure as hell not getting one.
11:54:25. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn ponders second acts in American political life, the Veep practices his oath of office, and Camper Guy tries not to go into shock. Kiefer, having taken the entire commercial break to reach the exit, bursts out the same door he came in, just in time to spot two Jeeps about fifty yards away. Presumably they're waiting for the fourth bad guy, if not wondering what's taking him so long. Kiefer fires a couple of shots, and GameBoy Guy, who was standing to one Jeep, tosses the Football into the back of the other and jumps behind the wheel. Both vehicles peel off. Kiefer hollers at air support to take out the lead Jeep, the one with the Football. The Jeep crosses a bridge over the stream, right into a hail of bullets from the chopper that's hovering at an altitude of about ten feet. The Jeep rolls down an embankment and comes to a stop on its side. Don't know what happened to the other Jeep, because the thing to cross the bridge is Kiefer, on foot. He approaches the Jeep, yelling at the wounded GameBoy Guy to put his hands where he can see them. Instead, GameBoy Guy raises his gun, and Kiefer shoots him so that the gun goes spinning through the helicopter's searchlight beam in a very cool way. After making sure that the bad guy's GameBoy days are over, he looks into the back of the upturned Jeep. But since it's casting a shadow, Kiefer instructs the helicopter to follow him around the Jeep with its searchlight. Kiefer quickly finds the Football under a nearby bush, where it was thrown clear. He opens it up, and under the searchlight, it looks like everything's there. Kiefer tells the chopper to go after the other Jeep, and it flits off obediently. If futilely.
Kiefer calls up Soul Patch to give him the good news. It's 11:56:22. Kiefer reports that he has the Football, but he thinks ImhoTerror got away in the other Jeep. "I'm sorry, but I had to make a choice." Don't blame yourself, Kiefer. Blame whoever it was that told you that the Football was a higher priority than ImhoTerror in the first place. Who was that again? Oh, yeah -- it was DoDder. Amazing how many things we can make her fault if we only try. ["Amazing how little 'trying' it usually takes." -- Sars] Soul Patch says, "ImhoTerror gave up the Football to buy his freedom?" Kiefer thinks a second, then says, "Yeah, that doesn't sound right to me either." Heh. Soul Patch asks if anything is missing, but Kiefer says it's all there. But then he flips through the Playbook, and quickly discovers that there are no pages between the dividers for Red Chapter Section 3 and Red Chapter Section 4. "Get DoDder," Kiefer says, and Soul Patch says they'll call him right back. Also, Kiefer? The helicopter's gone now. You can stop yelling.
Poor Man's Hume Cronyn is in a room with a bunch of other people, including the Veep, whom he's regarding skeptically from some distance away. Another guy in a suit, who looks like Victor Garber in a bad wig, notices PMHC's look and observes, "You're worried about him." PMHC cops to it, saying the Veep seems "unsure of himself." But Bewigged Victor Garber quietly reassures him, then gets a call on his cell phone. After a brief conversation, he tells PMHC that "The vote was unanimous. The 25th Amendment's been officially invoked." Nice of them to not make us sit through that whole vote. Again. PMHC heads right over to the Veep to let him know. The Veep says, "We should proceed with the ceremony." PMHC says they'll do that, and then it'll be time for the Veep to address the nation. The Veep still isn't sure that's a good idea at this time of night, but PMHC assures him that plenty of people will be wide awake. "Yes, of course," the Veep says. I think this actor is doing a great job of playing a character who is in turn trying to play the part of someone who isn't quietly losing his shit. It's 11:58:36 (Kiefer Standard Time). Everyone leaves the room and walks down the hallway. The Veep takes the podium in front of the ten members of the White House press corps who are (a) still awake at 3:00 AM East Coast time and (b) not scattered around Air Force One's press cabin in a gory mess.
Soul Patch and DoDder call Kiefer back, and they've got bad news: the missing pages contain warhead locations and activation codes. Kiefer points out that they started canceling activation codes as soon as AF1 crashed, but DoDder says that since there are thousands of warheads, it's going to take an hour to clear the slate. "In the meantime, if they get a hold of a warhead and a matching activation code, we will not be able to stop them." Uh, maybe it would have been a good idea to program a macro for that shit. I'm just saying. Kiefer copies that and says he'll get back to her, then makes his call, this one to Poor Man's Hume Cronyn. In other splitscreen windows, Soul Patch and DoDder look worried (well, actually Soul Patch looks like he's irritated that he threw his life and career away last season to help Saunders escape, when it's now becoming more apparent with each passing hour that CTU doesn't catch anyone who doesn't want to be caught); ImhoTerror Jeeps across the desert unmolested (despite being ostensibly pursued by a helicopter, observed by satellite, and in the middle of the desert at midnight with a rooftop light rack that blazes at about gazillion candlepower); and a medic ministers to Camper Guy. So I guess Kiefer can make medics appear from nowhere just by yelling for them. That almost makes up for how many people he's gotten shot.
At the White House, the Veep is just getting finished being sworn in. I'm still calling him the Veep, though, even though he's now technically the president. I hear enough complaints about my nicknames being confusing as it is. Bewigged Victor Garber takes the podium as PMHC takes the call from Kiefer. PHMC says, "Thanks, I'll tell him." PMHC approaches the Veep and quietly says, "Mr. President…I'm sorry to tell you sir, but it appears that at least part of the nuclear Football has fallen into the hands of terrorists." Close-up on the Veep's frozen face. How sad that his first official act as Chief Executive is to shit the Presidential trousers. It's 12:00:00.
on 24: If you think Kiefer won't go after a suspect, you don't know Jack. How long do you suppose they've been saving up that one?