Episode Report Card Demian: B- | 0 USERS: N/A YOU GRADE IT Oh My Goddess, Part II
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 23 | Aired on May 10, 2003
Previously, on Charmed: Dude, it just ended three minutes ago. Has your brain been so fried by this garbage that you need a reminder from me?
We fade back up where we left off: With Big Gay Chris receiving heaping helpings of abuse from The Specially Enhanced Glamorous Ladies Of Halliwell Manor. Piper whines that, "outside of a costume party," she can't possibly be expected to battle evil in her current outfit. Big Gay Chris exposits that their togas are part and parcel of their enhanced powers. He then goes on to clarify for the utter morons in the audience that Raige is now The Goddess Of War, and Phoebe is The Goddess Of Tawdry One-Night Stands In Cheap Motels Out By The Airport. Or, you know, "Love." It's your call. Piper interrupts to snark, "Well, that must make me The Goddess Of Sanity, because I find this ridiculous." You're not the only one, honey. "Actually, Mom," Chris responds patiently, "Dad gave you dominion over the earth and all of its natural elements." Maybe he said "Piper" and "[the Dolt]" in place of "Mom" and "Dad," but I heard the latter. Phoebe skanks up to Chris, twists her hair "girlishly" around a finger, and skeeves, "Do you have a girlfriend in the future?" Chris is like, "Feebs? Scabby hag? Yeah, for one thing, I'm your goddamned nephew, and for another, I'm gay, so get those horrific Fun Bags out of my face. Ew!"
Or maybe he just snorts dismissively. Lord, this is going to be a long hour.
Chris reminds the Glamorous Goddesses not to lose sight of their fundamental humanity -- a distinct possibility, given their new power levels, and something that kept the ever-useless Elders from unleashing The Mythological Mojo after the mistake they originally made with the mortals we now know as pantheon of Greek gods. As you can tell from Phoebe's behavior, she's already losing a good deal of herself to her new powers. Oh, who am I trying to kid? Phoebe's always this inappropriate and slutty. Raige is a better example of what I just described, as she's having far too much fun waving her trident around like she means business. In fact, she attacks Big Gay Chris from behind (no comment), and hoists him into the air by his snagging his shirt on the end of her weapon. After a mercifully brief castration "joke," Chris orbs off the trident to the other side of the room. He urges them to remain focused on vanquishing the Titans, reminding them that in his original timeline, all of the Elders were slaughtered, and life as we know it really began to suck, what with the Republicans repealing the constitutional amendment on presidential term limits -- that they pushed through in the first place after the endless humiliations visited upon their national party courtesy of Franklin Roosevelt and Harry Truman -- so Dubya could be reelected and reelected and reelected by a public beaten down to subhuman levels of intelligence as a result of countless hours of exposure to reality programming, Rupert Murdoch's media empire, and Hilary Duff movies, thereby allowing the national embarrassment from Texas to stack the federal courts with terrifying theocrats like that fuckbat Rick Santorum. Also: No smoking in bars. Anywhere. Hateful, isn't it