Episode Report Card Demian: C | 3 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Kill Bimbo: Vol. 2
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.13.2006
The shot cuts to a quick overhead of the gutted plot of land where the Manor had stood. Car alarms activate far below as flaming pieces of debris drop onto Prescott Street. The buzzing swarm of Hollow bits bursts upwards to circle aimlessly for a moment before diving down into the ground, and the camera shoots to follow it back into the chasm. The swarm plows into The Hollow's shuddering OZ, and the lid snaps shut of its own accord to slam us all into black.
After a long moment, stars emerge in the darkness on the screen, and the camera pans slowly down from the night sky as more Manor remnants cascade to the earth. The cacophony of the streets' car alarms comes into focus once more as the camera continues to pan down, eventually taking in the scorched and shattered stairwell landing before continuing past the warped newel, alit with flames. We pass the ruined chandelier before cross-fading to what's left of the grandfather clock -- the hands stopped at midnight, natch -- before cross-fading again to hover over the half-buried Ouija board and the partially blackened glass of that framed photograph of the Reconstituted Charmed Ones in happier times. Somewhere in the wreckage of what used to be the sun porch, a badly bruised Piper slowly emerges from beneath a pile of debris, an ugly burn marring her forehead and blood trickling from her nose. She staggers, disbelieving, through what little remains of the house she's lived in her entire life (far too easily flipping aside the marble top of the main hall's table as she goes, but this is, after all, Charmed, so what do you expect?) and eventually, her eyes fall on Phoebe's limp hand poking out from a pile of rubble, and damn Holly Marie Combs to hell for making me mist up over the bit that follows. Piper scrambles to push aside the broken pieces of furniture covering the rapidly cooling corpse of the Feebs and gathers Phoebe into her arms, begging her little sister to wake up, begging her little sister to look at her, begging her little sister to breathe.
As Piper buries her head in Phoebe's hair and dissolves into weeping, a small golden ball drifts down from the sky to hover over the ruined Manor's main floor for a moment before exploding into a cascade of light that eventually reveals the berobed form of the delightful Denise Dowse, returning once more as the regal Angel Of Teasley. The new arrival gazes sadly at her surroundings for a moment before holding out her right hand, upon which materializes another small golden ball that quickly explodes and cascades into Dolt form. Hello, Dolt. The Dolt, naturally, is confused by the Manor's current state of disrepair, but pushes that confusion aside to murmur his wife's name and hurry to her side, and goddamn, but Holly Marie Combs is selling the bejeezus out of this entire scene. Still weeping, she just shakes her head no in evident reference to Dead Phoebe, and what's this? Could it be? It is! The Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment makes its triumphant return to the small screen when the Dolt realizes they've got a Dead Phoebe on their hands! Hooray! No, seriously. No. Seriously. Hooray! After suffering through endless hours of the vacant, vapid, slackjawed, dull-eyed, mouthbreathing atrocity that is Kaley Cuoco and her Ultimate Retard, I have a newfound appreciation for Brian Krause and the Dolt. Thanks for absolutely nothing, Maggot Neck, and may you never darken my television screen with your horrific presence again. Well, you know, after next week. Was that a spoiler? I think that was a spoiler. Oh, fuck it. CANCELLED!
"The battle has ended," The Angel Of Teasley croons softly, "though not as I expected." She offers Piper a comforting half-smile before dematerializing, but Piper's so completely wrecked at this point, all she can do is collapse against the Dolt's chest and gasp and sob and weep some more. That is, until she hears someone struggling in another section of the rubble. "Hold her -- hold her!" she chokes, easing Dead Phoebe into the Dolt's arms, and sniff, and I'm getting misty-eyed over Dead Phoebe? DAMN YOU, COMBS! "[Raige]?" Piper manages to call out, ducking debris and darting across the floor to yank a couple of charred boards off of...Maggot Neck. Dun-dun-DUN! And then? Why, simply the most awesome part of this entire awesome sequence: Piper leaps on top of the barely conscious Retard and clocks her in the face! Only once, sure, but it was really, really hard! And then? Even better? Piper snatches up The Retard by her maggoty throat and chokes the living shit out of her! This is the best. Charmed episode. EVER!