Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex Is Like A Misdemeanor
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.24.2004
Phoebe, wiggling her eyebrows, changes the topic of conversation by asking Big Gay Chris how his mother's doing. "She's good," Chris nods. "Big. You know, I keep thinking how weird it's going to be to actually see myself being born." We're way ahead of you on the forum boards as far as impending weirdness is concerned, dollface. If I remember correctly, of the most popular choices in our "Stupid Things The Chrises Will Force Us To Endure" poll, your tiny self whizzing in your big self's face during a diaper change came in just behind you catching your slimy little self when Piper expels you from her uterus. I must admit, though, that no one saw that sonogram coming. Phoebe inquires as to the health of her erstwhile brother-in-law as well, but as Chris just spent most of last week smacking that worthless Dolt ass up, he's understandably reluctant to linger on the subject of his father's well-being with his aunt. Phoebe berates him with much unasked-for advice regarding his relationship with the Dolt, so Big Gay Chris quickly thanks her for letting him abuse the Book before orbing out. Hee! Why haven't any of the others ever employed that strategy, huh? Strident bitch annoying you? Orb the fuck out of there! It's perfect!
Phoebe snaps her head in Raige's direction to peeve, but is fortunately interrupted by the doorbell. She passes through the front hall to find The Distraught Yet Still Dazzling Sheila standing on the porch. After hastening her indoors, Phoebe, who's been joined by Raige, wonders what gives. "It's Darryl," The Dazzling Sheila replies. "They just arrested him for murder." Raige gapes. Phoebe goggles. The Dazzling Sheila sniffles. The camera…
…cuts to the interrogation/interview room at Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. As a guard hovers in the background, an orange-jumpsuited Doormat admits to Phoebe and Raige that his memory of the previous evening's events is, at best, fuzzy. In a really bad bit of overdubbing, Phoebe opines that "something really weird is going on here," just as the Doormat's court-appointed lawyer appears to prepare the Doormat for his arraignment. Violating God knows how many of Doormat's constitutional rights, the cop standing guard does not make himself scarce and instead remains in the shadows, listening to everything that follows. I hate this show. There's some babbling about Phoebe and Raige providing the Doormat with an alibi, but as they're typically vague with the details, the public defender's forced to remind them that perjuring themselves isn't going to help their friend. He adds that the prosecution's evidence is overwhelming. Phoebe and Raige make buh? noises. The Doormat instructs his lawyer to show them the videotape. The lawyer slides a CD-ROM into a handy laptop, and we see a drastically altered version of the previous evening's alleyway encounter. The perp, hands waving in the air, desperately pleads for his life as the Doormat coldly pumps three bullets into his chest. Raige shakes her head, at a loss. "That's not what happened," Phoebe breathes. The lawyer's all, "Whatever, dingbat." The Doormat sighs.