Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex Is Like A Misdemeanor
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.24.2004
The camera's been swooping giddily into the air during all of this, by the way, and we can see that the underlit platform is actually in two sections: A narrower outer circle, encompassing a slightly raised inner hexagon that features a lavender-colored panel at the center. A supernatural breeze lifts Raige's hair for a moment before four ginormous disembodied heads shimmer into view in the void above the platform. Four, hmmm? More of a Quadrunal, then, don't you think? By the way, one of the Elder heads belongs to Ken Page, whom I know from the original Broadway cast of Ain't Misbehavin', because I am a huge queen. He shall therefore be known as "Fats." And because I have neither the time to waste on nicknames nor the time to, you know, actually look up the characters' names, the other ever-useless Elder shall be "Jelly Roll," while the demonic counterparts shall be "Django" and "Bubber." Just go with it. By the way, the other ginormous heads are not immediately recognizable, but if you've seen the '70s version of Superman, you've seen this effect before. Oooh, do you think they're going to imprison Phoebe in a pane of glass and catapult her into the cold, dark, lonely depths of outer space? Because that would be awesome. And justified. Anywho, Django asks Snidely why they've been summoned. Hey, dicksmack. Don't know if anyone told you this, but you're supposed to know these things in advance. I mean, you can't be asking simply out of politeness. You are a demon, after all, and I doubt social niceties hold much appeal for your sort. Snidely explains this evening's plot. Bubber wonders where the third Charmed One is. Jelly Roll replies from the Elder side of the…space?...that Piper is "with child," and adds that he assumes Raige and Phoebe will speak on her behalf "in abstentia." Phoebe, of course, has no idea what "in abstentia" means. Neither do I, because "abstentia" is not a word. With every line, I die a little inside. Fats and Jelly Roll nevertheless exchange a look that basically says, "We've entrusted the future of the world to this fuckwitted skank?" Raige, meanwhile, wonders how a tribunal of four breaks a tied vote. "You don't wanna know," the Dolt whispers.
Fats announces that the Charmed Ones' request for a review of the Cleaners' actions has been granted, and two sets of tables and chairs immediately materialize on opposite sides of the platform. Almost instantly after that, Barbas flames onto the scene. "What the hell is he doing here?" Phoebe blurts, panicked. I'd like to know the same thing. I mean, I get that they simply banished him the first two times their paths crossed his, but that vanquish in "Sympathy for the Demon" seemed pretty goddamned final at the time. Barbas confirms that Cole did indeed vanquish him "to the fires of Hell" -- like, Waste Land, you assholes -- but that he, Barbas, has been granted temporary leave to act as the gals' opposing counsel. The ladies protest, but the ginormous demonic heads insist that they have the right to select anyone they want to prosecute their case. Barbas then babbles some legalese-type crap that I'd transcribe if this were Law & Order, but it's not, so I won't. The upshot of his request is that the lavender hexagon at the platform's center flares to emit an upside-down cone of blue light, wherein we can see the Doormat and his dazzling wife cuddling in a prison cell. The Doormat's lawyer approaches from the other side of the bars to glum, "The governor denied the stay." "What's going on?" splutters the Dolt. "We have accelerated time, but only for the execution," replies Django. "You have until midnight to convince us," Fats adds, "or his sentence will be carried out." Given that the average length of the death penalty appeals process is anywhere from eight to fifteen years, I guess I'm now writing this recap from the future. Fuck me, but this show is awful. "Magic will be protected," Jelly Roll concludes, ignoring my angst, "one way or the other." The Ominous Horns Of Impending Doormat Doom belch as the holographic image of the doormat in question gets sucked into the commercial break.