Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex Is Like A Misdemeanor
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.24.2004
Death Row. From The Future. Using a trick she picked up at Not!warts, Piper glows into the cell with the Doormat and The Dazzling Sheila, mainly so Holly Marie Combs could have something to do in this episode. And what the hell is The Dazzling Sheila doing in her husband's death-row cell, anyway? You know the corrections department would have banned her emotional wreck of an ass to the witnesses' gallery. And why is she wearing the same thing she had on at the beginning of this episode, fourteen years ago? With the same hairdo? And why hasn't anybody aged? And sweet Jesus, this must mean that Holly Marie Combs really is one hundred and sixty-eight months pregnant. GOD, I hate this show. Piper proposes that she drag the Doormat and the Dazzling Sheila back to Not!warts until the Glamorous Ladies can sort things out. The Doormat objects for some asinine reason, but it doesn't matter anyway, because at that moment the Quadrunal summons Piper to the platform for the verdict. Just one pointless scene after another tonight, huh? Basically, the Quadrunal rules in favor of allowing the gals to continue with their bitchcraft, but the Doormat must die. Back on Death Row -- From The Future -- the Doormat's lawyer arrives with various guards to escort the Doormat to the death chamber. The Dazzling Sheila freaks all the way through a bizarre, cross-fading montage sequence and right into the final commercial break.
Quadrunal. Long story short, the ladies agree as one that if the Doormat bites it, they quit. "You'd have us erase your memories?" Jelly Roll asks. "Change all that you know?" "All that you are?" Fats emphasizes. "If necessary," Phoebe responds, and you'd think this would affect The Doltine Psycho and Big Gay Chris as well, and the two would therefore necessarily need representation at the current proceedings, but this is the most sloppily constructed, written, and executed episode I have ever seen on this show, and yes, I'm including "The Wedding From Hell" in that statement, so whatever. WHAT. THE FUCK. EVER. "Very well," Jelly Roll replies, and we cut to…
…The Death Chamber. Guards strap the Doormat down and prepare to wax him for good. Yawn.
Quadrunal. Big Gay Chris and the Dolt orb in with the strenuously protesting Inspector Sheridan, who, once she materializes, stammers, "Wh-wh-what is this? Where am I?" "Nice act," Chris snipes. "It's very convincing." Barbas panics and shouts out an objection to the effect that mortals are not allowed at the Quadrunal. "Sit down and shut up," sneers the Dolt. In the one bit of amusing business we get all evening, Barbas begins to obey, then remembers just exactly who the asshole is who tried to order him around, and straightens right back up. Hee. Big Gay Chris latches on to Inspector Sheridan's arm and hurls her bodily onto the hologram thingy. What? Oh, zip it. I'm sure as hell not gonna call that fucking thing "The Circle of Truth." The hologram thingy spits out an image of Sheridan working alone at Trudeau Memorial, presumably late at night, only to be waylaid by the missing Phantasm. After a moment, the infected inspector rises to cross to a filing cabinet. She paws through its contents for a bit before withdrawing a thick folder bearing the Doormat's name. The instant the hologram flares out, Sheridan flashes a pair of wild, insane eyes at Barbas and hisses, "What now?" "Surrounded by idiots," Barbas groans, collapsing into his chair. The Dolt flips a potion vial into Sheridan's tits, which disgorge the remaining Phantasm. Big Gay Chris whips out his wand -- heh -- and sucks the shrieking ghost into the thing. Sheridan promptly drops into a dead faint on the platform, Barbas slurs something along the lines of, "It's in my nature," and Snidely "begs" the Quadrunal to reverse its decision.