Episode Report Card Potes: A- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT By the Short Hairs
By Potes | Season 17 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.21.2011
Tyra enters the house with a small man dressed in black, only to find the girls running around like lunatics. It turns out that they've decided to play dress-up. This is what happens when you deprive people of TV and Internet and reading material! Allison is wearing a sort of giant cat hood on her head, which I kind of want. But then would I be a furry? I don't want to accidentally procure a gateway headpiece and wind up having sex in a meerkat costume. How do those people even get to their bits? (Don't answer that.) In any case, Tyra introduces her small manfriend as Martin Lindstrom, a global branding expert slash author. Apparently he is a genius, who wrote a book called, Brandwashed: Tricks Companies Use to Manipulate Our Minds and Persuade Us to Buy. That actually sounds kind of interesting, though also evil. Martin has worked with some major Fortune 500 companies, and also Tyra, who has been on the Misfortune 500 for 8 years running. Is Martin Lindstrom responsible for SuperSmize? If so, I would like to both hug and punch him. Tyra says that Martin is harsh, but he gets results. He's going to help the girls to corral their 15 minutes of fame into a life-long career. Okay, now I just want to punch him without the hug.
Tyra leaves, and Martin starts talking to the girls in an accent from the country of Foreignia. He says that they've done pretty well so far, but he hasn't seen them on any magazine covers or TV shows recently. Well, they're on America's Next Top Model right now, aren't they? Martin says there's a huge step they have to take now to get to the point of world domination, and that is branding. Martin says that branding is all about one word. For example, if Martin says "cowboy" you think about one particular tobacco brand. Or if he says "safety," you think about a certain car brand. You do? I guess he means Volvo, but I mostly got that from the context clue of "Lindstrom." What's Martin's branding word? Mock turtleneck? Shyster?
Martin and the crack team of ANTM researchers have talked to fans to get perceptions of the girls, and now he's about to share info about their public images with them. Everyone, and especially Alexandria, starts to look nervous. This is an excuse to flash back again to that guy screaming at her to fuck off, of course. Oh, the times we had! Like the corners of my mind, all misty and watercolor. Martin talks to Lisa first, and asks if she thinks that people trust her. Okay, first of all, I think that "trust" is an odd barometer to use when you're talking about any reality star. His methods are flawed! Lisa thinks that people should trust her, and Martin is like, "Duh, no." She interviews that Martin basically ripped everyone a new asshole with his fancy poll results. Lisa's value/branding word is "daring." Not "diaper?" Martin tells Lisa that she has to break every rule from now on. Why is he encouraging these bitches?