Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Schlong Day's Journey Into Raige
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.01.2004
Not!warts Library. Piper rests her bloated ass on a sofa while Head On A Nerdy And Tedious Character Actor levitates behind her, searching the upper row of volumes for a book he cannot find. He wonders if he can come down now, as levitation makes Head On A Nerd tense. Piper orders him to check for "Lazardo's Book Of Prophecies, Volume One" first, so Head On A Nerd floats down the row of shelves to retrieve the book in question as the Dolt orbs in with the Feebs, who's changed into a tight, backless, sleeveless blue boobsling. What follows is a scene whose only point, apparently, is to give Holly Marie Combs something to do this evening, for we receive no new information on the various matters at hand, aside from the absolutely stunning revelation that Piper has to pee frequently due to the pressure Fetal Gay Chris exerts on her bladder. No, seriously. No. Seriously. Once Piper's toddled off to the can, Phoebe clomps over to Head On A Nerd and latches onto his arm, trying to force a premonition to "see if [he's] legit." Of course, nothing happens. The two simps quiz Head On A Nerd for a moment, then allow him to…wander off somewhere else. He just leaves. What's up with that? Sigh. Stupid show. The Dolt supposes that, based on Head On A Nerd's answers, Not!warts remains a safe haven for Piper, so the demon of the week must be brain-sucking either Phoebe or Raige, and WE KNOW ALL OF THIS BECAUSE WE JUST WATCHED THE LAST FUCKING SCENE. Phoebe decides to return to the Manor on her own so the Dolt can have a little quality time with his ex-wife. She then scrunches her eyes shut, tenses her shoulders, and clenches her fists. "What are you doing?" the Dolt asks. Trying to pinch out an enormous loaf, from the looks of things. Ooops. I'm wrong. Phoebe's actually trying to orb, like, I no longer have any patience whatsoever for her mind-bending amounts of stupidity, so I'll cut to the bit where the Dolt waves his hand around to send her back to the Manor as Piper reenters the library. The Dolt splutters an excuse for Phoebe's absence, then offers to help Piper in researching potential causes for the Psycho's impending slide into the dark side. Piper, puzzled by but somewhat pleased with the offer, squints and smiles. The Dolt smirks.
Over at an auto dealership, Vincent slides behind the wheel of a Porsche while the nattering salesman annoys me to no end with his overenthusiastic description of the car's various features. "We'll take it," Vincent announces. "Cash or lease?" the salesman asks. Tonight's true leading floozy -- whom the IMDb identifies as "Elisa," so we'll go with that because it's easier to type -- is all, "No, dumbass. We're just gonna take it." She slithers on over to the salesman, grabs hold of his jacket, and hurls him backwards through the air. Vincent shouts, "No!" and, thinking fast, employs a bit of orbing telekinesis to whisk a topless Rolls Royce over in time to break the salesman's fall. Elisa simpers as Vincent reminds her, "We don't hurt innocents." Just then, Chris orbs in on the scene to block the Porsche's path, his arms crossed over his chest. "You!" Vincent spits before tossing the car into gear and slamming his foot down on the gas pedal. Chris, of course, dissolves into a cloud of orbs at the last second, allowing the car to pass through him. Elisa evaluates the situation, realizes she's screwed if she remains there without her master, and quickly flears out. Chris grabs Vincent's discarded cigar for some unknowable reason, hops into a nearby Porsche as the soundtrack goes nuts with what sounds like the music from the luau dance-off in Psycho Beach Party, and hello, pointless car chase I do not have to recap! The boys speed through the deserted streets until Vincent orbs himself out of there, stolen car and all. As Chris nearly rams a conveniently appearing squad car, the salesman arrives on the scene -- on foot -- to scream, "Stop him! He's trying to steal it!" The fuck he get over there so fast? Chris lifts his hands in the air as the cops approach, muttering, "Unbelievable." No shit, hubby o' mine. No. Shit.