Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Schlong Day's Journey Into Raige
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.01.2004
Manor. Nonexistent Attic. Phoebe's on the phone with All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, promising to turn her column in by the deadline, when Chris orbs in from the county jail. Phoebe quickly hangs up so Chris can regale her with his latest exploits. He notes that Darryl promised to cover for him before revealing that the demon of the week tried to run him down with a Porsche. "A demon that drives a Porsche?" Phoebe wonders. "That's different." No, that's your vanquished ex-husband, you dunce. I hate this show. Big Gay Chris adds that Vincent can orb and likes to save innocents. Phoebe takes a moment to wrap her puny, forgetful brain around that one before opining, "Forget tapping into us. It seems like he wants to be us." "Why?" Chris squints with a pissy little disgusted moue forming on his face, and I giggle despite myself. "Why else?" Phoebe replies. "To kill us." Chris has been scrying for Vincent's location with the cigar butt during all of this, and the scrying crystal chooses this moment to slam down on the map. "You find him?" Phoebe asks. "Yeah," Chris says, eyes widening in surprise. "He's here!" "Where here?" Phoebe panics. They remember Raige and scramble towards the stairs.
Prue Memorial. Phoebe and Big Gay Chris barge through the door to find Raige on the receiving end of a backrub from Slampiece Wonder Bread. "What are you doing?" Phoebe shrieks as Chris blurts, "You?" in Wonder Bread's direction. "Uh," Raige replies lamely. "Just napping." Phoebe spins around and flounces off down the hall in wordless horror as Chris stares, slack-jawed, at his skanky aunt. Raige and Slampiece Wonder Bread shrug their way into the commercial break.
Foyer. "How could you do such a thing?" Phoebe yowls, barreling down the stairs with Raige hot on her heels. "Like you've never conjured stuff before," Raige retorts as they reach the main floor, followed by the boys. "Never for myself," Phoebe claims as Chris sidles over to join her in revulsion, "and never a sex toy!" "I am not a sex toy," Wonder Bread asserts in a tone so mild, so matter-of-fact, and in such perfect counterbalance to the ladies' shrill screeching throughout this scene that I start snickering. Yeah. Eduardo would never have been able to deliver on that one. The ladies bicker until Chris cuts through it all with, "Shouldn't we be focusing on the bigger issue here?" With that, he jabs an accusatory finger at Wonder Bread, like, Chris. You slut. How in hell would you know how big Wonder Bread is? Unless, of course, you're aware that Raige is a size queen. We'll just run with that one, okay? For my sanity. Anyway, in the argument that follows, we learn that Raige has been conjuring Wonder Bread on a regular basis for the last three weeks. Phoebe's still outraged, so Raige reminds her sister that she herself repeatedly urged Raige to take a break. "I meant take a day off!" Phoebe bellows. "Go to the spa! Get a pedicure! Get a massage!" "I massage her," Wonder Bread asserts, again in that fabulous tone of voice, so now I'm giggling. God love him. Meanwhile, Phoebe's making horking noises. Chris rather amusingly instructs her to breathe before the Manor Morons bang their heads together and stumble across the realization that Raige must have conjured bad-boy Vincent at the same time she conjured good-boy Wonder Bread. "Talk about your personal gain consequences," Chris condescends. "'Personal gain'!" Raige mocks all mealy-mouthed, before adding that she's sick to death of that phrase. Wonder Bread joins the conversation at this point to remind her that the prohibition exists for a reason. "Whose side are you on?" she pouts. "I know what you know," he reminds her, "and they're right." "Did you conjure him or clone him?" Phoebe goofs. Chris peevishly wonders why they can't "unconjure" Wonder Bread so he and his evil twin will just disappear. Raige reluctantly admits that it's a twenty-four hour spell. "Let's just hope we find [Vincent] before he finds us," Phoebe grimaces as the doorbell rings. "Maybe that's another one of your suitors that you conjured for your own personal gain and pleasure," Phoebe snarks, rubbing it in before she turns to answer. It's actually Detective Doormat, who's arrived with two uniforms who enter the house through the back door to rearrest Chris. The shrieking goes ultrasonic as Big Gay Chris is dragged from the Manor in shackles. Phoebe stops with the wailing long enough to wonder what the hell the Doormat's problem is. Long story short, the Doormat ices that after the ridiculous events of last week, he's no longer covering for them. As he exits, Phoebe rolls her eyes heavenwards and sighs, "Could this day get any worse?" The screen flares, and we…
…head back to Vincent's lair. Expository blathering from Vincent and Elisa regarding his dastardly plan, which seems to involve sitting around until Raige decides to orb down there. How…cunning. Scene.