Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Schlong Day's Journey Into Raige
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.01.2004
Back in the nonexistent attic, Phoebe insists she'd like to pursue the demon of the week without the Dolt's assistance, before awkwardly segueing into a discussion of his future with Piper after Fetal Gay Chris pops out in the season finale. Whoops! Spoiler! Not. The Dolt shamefacedly admits that he has yet to discuss the situation with the ex-wife. "[Dolt]," Phoebe doofs, "you can't just get the woman pregnant and then pretend like nothing happened." "I'm not!" he protests before weakly adding, "It's just…complicated." Phoebe snorts that it's not going to get any less complicated after Chris is born just as my pretty, pretty husband orbs into the nonexistent room to ask, "You talking about me?" "No!" perks the Feebs. "Your fetus!" Big Gay Chris squints at his dizzy hag of an aunt for a moment before expositing that the throwing stars belong to a group of "deadly assassins" known as -- wait for it -- "The Demonatrix." Ooof. And before you start wondering: No, they're never referred to in what would be the correct plural form of that word, likely because the resulting sibilance would make Big Gay Chris sound even more sissified than he already does. Phoebe cracks unwise about Chris keeping his interest in bondage to himself, followed by a tedious bit of business wherein Phoebe exhorts her nephew to address his worthless deadbeat father as "Dad," before Chris drops the following bomb: "Apparently, [the demon of the week] gives his [Demonatrix] assassins vanquishing potions. Charmed Ones' vanquishing potions." "How is that possible?" Phoebe guhs, turning to the Dolt for guidance. Yeah, so much for not replying on his help this week, you shrew. The Dolt guesses the demon's reading their minds, much as Mini-Barbarino did during that endlessly annoying episode a few months ago. No, the other endlessly annoying episode. No, the…you know what? Fuck it. Damn this show. Phoebe and Big Gay Chris immediately fuss over Piper's presumably imperiled safety, with Big Gay Chris offering to orb over to Not!warts to make sure she's okay. The Dolt nixes this idea, ordering Chris back to the Underworld to see if he can track the Demonatrices to their leader. Big Gay Chris gets adorably pouty but obeys, orbing out. Phoebe bolts to "wake up [Raige]."
Who, as happenstance would have it, is already awake -- clothed, if you can call it that, in the camisole top she last sported at the end of "Spin City" and macking atop her bed with Slampiece Wonder Bread. Outside the Boudoir, Phoebe raps on the door. Raige pulls back in a panic and calls out, "Just a minute!" before shoving Wonder Bread to the floor on the other side of the bed. He, of course, goes ass-over-end on his way down and thumps loudly when he lands. Heh. Phoebe pokes her head through the door long enough to inform Raige of her plans to travel to Not!warts with the Dolt, then advises Raige to return to her rest, as they'll summon her if they need her. The instant Phoebe's reshut the door, Slampiece Wonder Bread pops up to make flirty noises in Raige's general direction. He joins her atop the duvet, and I'll take this moment to note that while I initially found Gabriel Olds to be rather off-putting in this role, he won me over to a certain extent during this scene, in which he is at turns playful, puppyish, supportive, and helpful. Poor Eduardo, with his phonetically acquired English, never would have been able to pull it off. Olds is still hella white, though. By the way, this actor was pretty damn good as the preening, self-obsessed soap opera Nazi in Urbania, in which he appeared with everyone's favorite diminutive vampire, Sam Ball. Just tossing that out there to remind you to rent that movie if you haven't already.
In any event, Raige, perhaps feeling a bit guilty about grinding a slampiece she conjured with little regard for that pesky prohibition on personal gain, seems reluctant to take Phoebe's advice, what with the massive demonic headache currently afflicting the Manor's residents. Slampiece Wonder Bread reminds her of her meaningless "raison d'etre" and adds somewhat inexplicably, "You made me to understand you, to pamper you, to fill your every neglected need." "What I really need is…" Raige begins, likely intending to complete the thought with "to get my slatternly ass out of this goddamned bed and help my sisters already." However, Wonder Bread leaps to his feet to enthuse, "A vacation!" "Driving through Tuscany," he continues. "Topless." "'Topless'?" Raige repeats with raised brow. "Not you," Wonder Bread clarifies, "the Porsche -- with the wind in your hair, the sun in your face? Free. Unburdened. Loved." Raige, falling for it, tells him to keep it coming. He promises to "take [her] away from all this" someday, but first she needs to eat. With a sweeping gesture, he conjures a fully laden breakfast tray onto the bed beside her. "Wait a minute," she puzzles. "You can do magic?" "I can do anything you made me do, remember?" he replies. How…convenient. Raige bites into a strawberry, and good Lord, but Rose McGowan looks absolutely asinine when she's trying to be seductive with a piece of fruit. Slampiece Wonder Bread, not caring, smiles fondly as the screen flares white and we…