Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | 8 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Something Bitchy This Way Comes
By Demian | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.06.1998
Up in the attic, we're treated to an overhead swirling shot of the three kneeling in a semicircle around the Book of Shadows at a low table surrounded by candles. It's so pretty. I sure do hope someone realizes how good this shot would look in the opening credits. And you can't see any of their faces, so they can keep using it even after Alyssa has Shannen fired! Following the Book's instructions, Phoebe lights a candle and drops it into a large iron pot. Piper retrieves a wax "poppet," "strengthens" it by pressing one of Jeremy's thorny roses into its chest, and recites the following before dumping the poppet into the pot as well:
Your love will wither and depart
From my life and my heart.
Let me be, Jeremy,
And go away forever.
Holly Marie's cadence, bless her, is as if this spell were two simple declarative sentences, rather than the piece of shitty Hallmark poetry it so desperately wishes it could be. The three eye the pot. Tendrils of smoke rise from the bottom to engulf the wax doll and obscure the rose from sight. The contents of the pot flare up, and at that moment in the warehouse district, Jeremy screams and collapses against a chain-link fence. Great, giant rose thorns erupt from his face, neck, hands, torso, and legs as he wails and wails. Back in the attic, Phoebe grabs onto the pot and is flung into a premonition of the not-vanquished but decidedly-pissed-off Jeremy howling over on the chain-link fence. She keens a warning to her sisters, and the three race out of the attic, presumably to escape from the Manor before Jeremy arrives.
Down in the main hall, Prue reaches the front door first. She flings it open and spins around to whisper urgently, "Come on!" Jeremy materializes on the porch behind Prue with his thorny mien and shiny knife. Piper and Phoebe shriek. The ladies as a group edge backwards towards the stairs as Jeremy makes with the threats. Prue tentatively flicks her head to one side. Jeremy totters against the wall. Prue takes charge, ordering Phoebe and Piper to scram. For some reason, the two head back upstairs instead of out the back door. Prue flicks her head again, more forcefully this time, and Jeremy snipers to the parlor floor.
Prue joins Phoebe and Piper in the attic, and the gals barricade the door with Grams's priceless antiques. Ungrateful little cows. Jeremy's muffled threats can be heard through the door, and while the vocal effect is meant to make him sound demonically terrifying, he actually ends up sounding like pain-in-the-ass Chris Farley's pain-in-the-ass motivational speaker from Saturday Night Live. Annoying? Certainly. Grating? But of course. Scary? Not so much. Jeremy telekinetically clears the barricade from the attic door, then shatters the door itself. Prue urges Piper and Phoebe to remember the inscription on the back of the Ouija board. The Ps chant, "The power of three will set us free," in unison as Jeremy flings a circle of fire at their feet. The chanting becomes louder and more insistent as the ladies gain confidence. Jeremy flicks his wrist again, and a whirlwind tears through the attic. Enraged that his demonic tricks have no effect on the women, Jeremy delivers the following Mission Statement on behalf of all dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell: "I'm one of millions, in places you can't even imagine in forms you would never believe. We are Hell on this earth, and you will never be safe, and you will never be free!" That's just darling. And more than a little ooky. I need help. As Jeremy howls his last word, his body erupts in an explosion that sends slivers of demonic goo flying through the attic. The whirlwind ceases, and Prue gasps, "The Power of Three."