Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | 8 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Something Bitchy This Way Comes
By Demian | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.06.1998
Manor. Piper peers through the front window, then nervously wanders all the way back into the kitchen. Prue's twisting her panties into a righteous tangle over at the fuse box because the chandelier in the parlor is still on the fritz. Piper too-casually remarks that she thinks Prue's right about the Manor's spare bedroom. "Maybe we do need a roommate," she offers. Prue blathers something about offering the room at a reduced rate in exchange for help around the house as she crosses to return her screwdriver to the kitchen drawer. Piper musters her courage and yelps, "Phoebe's good with a wrench." Girl, please. I can't pretend I haven't seen some fifty-odd subsequent episodes, and Phoebe's a dingbat. She can't be trusted to operate a light switch successfully. While I'm sure Prue agrees with me on that point, she chooses instead to counter with, "Phoebe lives in New York." Piper fidgets with her hands and announces, "Not anymore," then babbles, "She left New York. She's moving back in with us." Prue's bitch ramps up to eleven. "You've got to be kidding," she spits, storming past Piper into the dining room. Piper trails after her, spluttering that she couldn't say no to Phoebe, what with the Manor having been willed to all three of them. Prue's not having it. She spins around and growls, "Maybe you've forgotten why I'm so mad at her!" Piper weakly bleats, "She had nowhere else to go! She lost her job, she's in debt..." "And this is news?" Prue howls with an overactive sibilance. "How long have you known about this, innyway?" Hooray! Believe it or not, I've missed Shannen Doherty's novel mangling of proper pronunciation. Don't worry. I'm sure it'll be stomping out a festive pony on my last goddamned nerve soon enough. Piper admits Phoebe contacted her a couple of weeks ago. Prue slits her eyes and grits, "Whin does she arrive?"
On cue, Phoebe goofs her way through the front door, yodeling, "Surprise!" Prue gets this hysterical "Fuck. Me." look on her face, while Piper clearly expects to get bitch-slapped into next week. Piper smiles warmly and crosses to greet Phoebe with an embrace. "It's so good to see you," she coos, and turns to Prue to prompt, "Isn't it?" "I'm speechless," Prue deadpans as a car horn blares. Phoebe perks, "I forgot about the cab." Piper snatches up Prue's purse from a side table and skitters out of the Manor to pay the driver. Prue and Phoebe stare each down for a long moment before Prue eyes Phoebe's duffel and icily inquires, "That's all that you brought?" "That's all that I own," Phoebe admits. "That, and a bike." More staring. Phoebe's the first to crack, muttering, "Look, I know that you don't want me here." Prue immediately shuts her down with "We're not selling Grams's house." We learn that Piper and Prue gave up their apartment after Grams died to move back into the Manor because "this house has been in [their] family for generations." Pity the writers couldn't remember this detail when it came time to script "PreWitched." Phoebe's shocked -- shocked -- that Prue would ever think Phoebe would want to sell the Manor. She attempts to cut through the crap by asking, "Can we talk about what's really bothering you?" "No," Prue snides. "I'm still furious with you." "I never touched Roger," Phoebe claims. Prue shoots her a look that by all rights should scorch that orange gloss from Phoebe's lips. "I know you think otherwise," Phoebe continues, "because that's what that Armani-wearing, chardonnay-slugging trust-funder told you, but..."