Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I screw dead people.
By Demian | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.27.1998
Cut to a shot of an obnoxiously phallic Transamerica Pyramid, like, I GET IT, and then we're headed on over to The Hotel Of The Tool. Phoebe wanders through a hallway, clutching The Pleatherette Wallet Of Vehicular Doom to the Fun Bags. She accosts the wallet's owner, a "Mr. Correy," pleading with him not to leave the building. Correy's wife shows up, and it's the same woman The Abrasive Foible said had gained a few pounds. They tell Phoebe to go to hell. Phoebe begs them to heed her warnings. They leave. Phoebe pants. I tumble to the carpet in a coma.
Buckland's, the following morning. Prue enters her office to find a large bouquet of flowers on her desk. Andy, hiding behind the door, eases into the middle of the room to greet her sheepishly. "You of all people should know bribery's a crime," Prue snots. Andy apologizes for not informing Prue about the ex-wife sooner. Prue's not having it and sneers back at him, wondering if he was going to tell her about Susan "before or after the door to [their] adjoining rooms swung open this weekend." Andy bristles, "I've got an ex-wife, and I don't hate her. Is that so horrible? Why are you trying to turn this into something it's not?" Thank you, Andy! God! Now take off your shirt again. He ignores me, choosing instead to stare Prue down while snarking something about not being the only one in the relationship with a secret to hide. Prue cracks first, breaking away from his gaze to fidget guiltily with some papers on her desk. Andy shakes his head a bit in disappointment and leaves.
House Of Chao. Piper approaches the front door as Mark eyes her from the sidewalk below. As she rings the doorbell, she asks if he really believes his plan is going to work. He assures Piper that if she speaks Chinese to his mother, Piper will gain her trust. Mama Chao pops out through the front door, and we're "treated" to a little scene wherein Mark prompts Piper with some simple Chinese phrases, then translates when his mother responds. Piper keeps glancing in Mark's direction during the exchange, and we get some Mama POVs of the empty sidewalk so the members of the viewing audience who suffer from the aftereffects of blunt-force head trauma remember that only Piper can see him. When Mama Chao learns that Piper's there to speak with her about her son, Mama Chao excitedly pleads with Piper to tell her where he is. "I haven't heard from him since his birthday!" she exclaims. Neither Piper nor Mark is prepared for this, so Piper splutters something about contacting Mama Chao if Mark calls her. Mama Chao thanks her and heads back into her home while Mark screams at Piper. Piper can't just let his mother walk away! She has to tell her about the crispy remains so Mark won't bounce away to Hell on the end of a spear! Piper apologizes, but she can't bring herself to tell Mama Chao that her only child is dead. Mark charges the front door. The little amulet from the pre-credits sequence emits a violet force field that knocks Mark onto his spectral back. "She's got the house protected against ghosts," he glums. "All the fairy tales she told me are true, and I'm gonna burn in Hell." Piper looks so very, very sad.