Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I screw dead people.
By Demian | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.27.1998
[72virg=ins]. Sorry. I realize [the anthr=ax] and [demian will fry=in hell] were the more popular choices, but I'm pulling rank here. Because virgins are funny. As a waitron maneuvers a dessert cart through the dining area, Prue wanders through, clad in rather professional black jacket-and-blouse combination over a pale blue skirt. What really makes the outfit, though, is the skirt's zipper. Rather than resting off to the side or in the back where zippers tend to reside on women's clothing, her fly is right up front covering her crotch, proving once and for all that Prue does indeed have a dick. She spots Andy enjoying lunch with a blonde woman, and struts on over to the table. Andy introduces his companion as "Susan Trudeau." "Sister?" Prue asks, politely shaking her hand. "Wife," Susan replies. Woo hoo! Whip it out and smack him with it, Prue! Atta girl! Prue ices Andy with a frosty glare before spinning on her well-shod heel and stomping out. Andy splutters, "Ex-wife! We were divorced!" as he trots towards Prue's receding form. Alas, his protestations are for naught. Prue squints, sending the dessert cart rolling across the floor into Andy's path. The errant detective plows into the thing, flipping across the top to land on the floor with pudding soiling his jacket. Wah. Wah. Waaaaah.
"Chinatown." The Corpse About Town leads Piper through the alley of his doom, describing a "Chinese myth" to her as they go. "It's called Da Hoi," he exposits. "When The Gates Of Hell open. If the gatekeeper, Yama, captures my soul before my body's properly buried, he'll take me to Hell forever." They really do just make this shit up as they go along, don't they? See the "Chinese" version of Limbo for more. Or don't, really, because that episode was horrible, what with the hackneyed "spiritual" dialogue and Alyssa Milano making an ass out of herself trying to be Rose McGowan and everything. Why Rose McGowan never slapped the taste out of Alyssa Milano's mouth after that episode aired is beyond me. Anyway, Mark carries on about how Yama doesn't check souls for their character (or lack thereof) before dragging them down to Hell, as he's merely interested in quantity. They stumble across Mark's crispy remains. Piper's horrified, but me? Not so much. We're back to the live-action cartoon as far as Mark's remains are concerned. It looks like they took a plastic Halloween skeleton and spray-painted it black, then hot-glued little shoes to its feet after tossing a few rags over it here and there. Meanwhile, Yama decides this would be a perfect time to materialize. A cloud of mist forms at the far end of the alley, and Yama comes charging through it on horseback. Since Yama's meant to be Chinese, I'm assuming they tried for a Mongol horde sort of thing with his look, but he actually resembles a supernumerary from a low-budget production of The Gotterdammerung, what with his Hagar the Horrible helmet and everything. Yama also totes along a spear -- the better to skewer souls, I presume. Mark wails that they're too late, and urges Piper to flee. Instead, Piper tenses and flings her hands into the air. Yama freezes in a rather photogenic pose with his horse rearing up on its hind legs. Mark endears himself to me by wincing with his fists crossed near his face, waiting for The Spear Of Yama to run him through like an awl. Snicker. After a moment, the two realize that Yama isn't going anywhere anytime soon, so they scamper off towards the opposite end of the alleyway. As they turn the far corner, Yama unfreezes, canters around a bit in confused slow-motion, then allows his eyes to glow green through his Hagar helmet as we fade into the commercial break.