Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I screw dead people.
By Demian | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.27.1998
Abandoned alleyway. Mark Chao, so dead I can smell the decay rising from his flesh through my television screen, wanders through, only to be ambushed by the shifty-eyed lad and his posse. "This the guy?" one of them asks. The apparent leader, another shifty-eyed lad with unfortunate facial hair, confirms that Mark Chao, corpse about town, is indeed the gentleman they've been looking for. I have to admit that the first time I saw this episode, what follows disturbed me to an extent that surprised me. The leader of the posse pulls out a revolver and shoots Mark Chao dead. He then twists a ring off his own finger, placing it on Mark's rapidly-cooling hand. One of the flunkies then douses the fresh corpse with gasoline and torches it. Dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell to hurl Flaming Balls Of Death at unsuspecting innocents? That I can handle. Realistic depictions of violence on what is essentially a live-action cartoon? Not nearly as much fun. While the posse occupies itself by so abusing Mark's earthly remains, Mark's "soul" pops out of his corpse to scream, "No!" over and over again. And I thought my last birthday sucked ass. The camera pulls in closer to the corpse's burning legs before we slide into the opening credits.
Manor kitchen. Piper putters about as some testicle moans, "Nobody knows it, but you've got a secret smile, and you use it only for me." Ack. Hork. BRRRACK. Piper slides open a drawer and finds a stack of cheap birthday party invitations lying on the bottom. Heaving a tremendously put-upon sigh, she gathers up the invitations and flounces over to the center island. Channeling an eight-year-old Martha Stewart, she sprinkles glitter into an envelope and inserts one of the invitations. I can't stand it when people stuff envelopes with glitter. Were I the recipient of that invitation, I'd RSVP by leaving a flaming bag of dog shit on their front porch. Phoebe bobbles into the kitchen with perky morning greetings, then hisses at Piper to hide the invitations before Prue sees them. Piper whines that Phoebe should have mailed the invitations weeks ago, as the surprise party is scheduled for the impending Friday evening. Phoebe insists that she has everything under control, and chides Piper for worrying too much. Piper then asks if Phoebe's bought a gift yet. Phoebe smiles slyly and admits that she has. "Where'd you get the money to pay for it?" Piper barks immediately. Heh.
Before Phoebe can launch into her sordid tale of turning tricks with the grubby skate punks at the arcade for a quarter a go, Prue stomps in from the dining room to cut all birthday-related chatter short. When Phoebe asks about Prue's date with Andy, Prue admits that she had a wonderful time until he asked her to spend the weekend at a spa with him. "I hate when they do that," Phoebe snarks. Please. Like any of your liaisons ever get past the "shove it in, pull it out, and get the hell out of my sister's car" stage. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I suppose, but still. Shut it. Learning that Andy's reservations clash with the planned soiree, Phoebe and Piper none-too-subtly attempt to convince Prue to ask Andy for a rain check. Prue arches a suspicious eyebrow and inquires, "You guys aren't trying to plan another surprise party for me, are you?" "No!" Piper bleats. "Never!" "Good," Prue deadpans, "because you guys know how much I hate surprises." Why am I not shocked to learn this about her? Oh, yeah -- stereotyped character development. Prue hates surprises because she's the oldest, Phoebe loves them because she's emotionally retarde...I mean, "the youngest," and Piper, being the middle sister, could go either way on this issue, but would likely spend her entire time at a party in her honor fluttering about the room emptying ashtrays and making sure everyone had enough to eat. Am I right? Sigh.