Episode Report Card Keckler: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Cap'n Don't Preach
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.16.2001
"Commander," T'Pol says slinkily from her station, "I think I've found the problem." Trip, Cpt. Quantum, Reed, and T'Pol go to view her report on the viewer thingy. "Something's distorting our wake pattern," T'Pol says. "You're right," Trip notes, "the plasma exhaust shouldn't be flaring that close to the ship. "EM residue in the exhaust ports?" Reed offers, but Trip negates that by saying they checked and found them clean. Cpt. Quantum furrows his captainly brow and asks, "Malcolm, if we ignited the plasma exhaust, what kind of damage would it do to the nacelles?" Reed gets excited just hearing the word "ignited," so he tells his captain that if they polarize the hull plating, they should be okay when going half-impulse. Cpt. Quantum gives the order of half-impulse to Mayweather. Technobabble abounds as they set up hull plating polarizing, put aft sensors at full-maximum, and fire at T'Pol's command. Something solid is barely illuminated in their wake, and Cpt. Quantum orders a replay of the sensor logs. They determine that there's a ship behind them. "Looks like we've got ourselves a hitchhiker," Trip drawls. T'Pol says, "They must be using some sort of stealth technology." You really should light a match the next time you use your "stealth technology"! Heh. I have farts on the brain because of Sars's recent Tomato Nation. It's good to know my family's not the only one. Anyway, Cpt. Quantum opines that the stealthy ship must know that they've been found out, and tells Hoshi to open hailing frequencies. Unfortunately, due to the malfunctioning, Hoshi can only get audio, and activates the translator. Cpt. Quantum gets into Fort Apache mode and tells the ship to back off because it's wreaking havoc with their functions. The cloaked ship responds in alienism. Hoshi finally gets the translation: "We are complying with your request. We ask you not to harm us." Reed reports that the ship has moved off, and Cpt. Quantum tells them they have no intention of harming them but they'd like an explanation. The translated response comes back: "I apologize for any damage we've caused. Our engines are malfunctioning and we've been using your plasma exhaust to replenish our teraphasic coils. It's allowed us to share your warp field." T'Pol confirms that their warp core is offline. Cpt. Quantum says he and his crew would be happy to help if they'd kindly unstealth themselves. A tiny ship shimmers greenly into view behind them.
In sickbay, Phlox tells Trip -- who's apparently borrowed the Captain's Tick Underoos for his medical exam -- that he's giving him 40 mgs of Mirazine. "It should shorten the decompression process by half." Trip complains that it still leaves him three hours in which to twiddle his thumbs. "Can you recommend a good book?" he asks. "Trip reads?" Mathra asks, aghast. T'Pol tells him (Trip, not Mathra) that she'll be briefing him on the alien ship's propulsion systems. Now that's one to keep you up nights. Trip asks Cpt. Quantum if he's sure he shouldn't come back to the Enterprise at night. "Three hours of decompression in each direction, makes more sense to stay until the job's done." Phlox, ever the gourmand, tells Trip he sent the aliens his dietary requirements. "They claim to have the ability to synthesize protein and carbohydrates but there's no telling what it might taste like," T'Pol tells him, and hands over her personal Pepto Bismol dispenser. "Try to be…diplomatic," T'Pol continues, going into Unblinking Hypnotized Acting Mode. Jolene Blalock must have heavy stock investments in Visine, what with that staring problem she's got. I fear for her corneas. "Three days on an alien ship," Trip muses as Phlox jabs him with some more Mirazine. "Try to mind your manners," is Cpt. Quantum's parting instruction. Yes, and look both ways when crossing the lava stream, chew with your mouth closed, and don't go sticking beans up your nose. Unless it's part of their alien culture, of course.