Episode Report Card Keckler: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Cap'n Don't Preach
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.16.2001
T'Peeved and Cpt. Quantum have assembled in sickbay as Trip slides out of a CAT scan. Phlox punches up some data and shows a graphic of the embryo. Aw, alien baby's first ultrasound. "I assume you'll be happy to know it's not technically your child," Phlox tells him. Predictably, Trip's confused. "When reproducing," Phlox explains, "the Xyrillians only utilize the genetic material of the mother. The males simply serve as 'hosts.'" Trip says, "That's comforting, but how the hell did I get knocked up?" Well, it was dark and you were drunk. Phlox says they don't have data detailing the Xyrillian copulating procedures, but Trip should be able to recall a sexual encounter on his own. Trip's stumped. "Three days," T'Prig bites out, "you were only there for three days and you couldn't restrain yourself." Trip swears to his Captain nothing happened: "I was a complete gentleman the entire time." T'Prig takes the words right out of my mouth when she says, "I imagine that's a question of how you define 'gentleman.'" It depends on what the definition of "is" is. Trip tells them the only female he had contact with was Ah'len, their engineer. "Other than repairing the reactor, all she and I did together was go into this holographic chamber they've got. She showed me some home movies [cough, porn, cough], simulations of their planet, but I didn't lay a hand on her," Trip protests. Trip asks Phlox if there's some way of getting the embryo out of him and into a surrogate host without hurting it. Phlox tells him that the embryo has "integrated with [Trip's] pericardium," and he wouldn't be comfortable removing it without knowing more about the ins and outs of Xyrillian gestation. "This engineer wanted you to see her planet?" T'Prig asks. "So?" Trip says. "I believe the next step would have been to meet her holographic parents. If I'm not mistaken on some planets that's a precursor to marriage," T'Prig says, still with that rather trying resemblance in her manner to a constable reasoning with the village idiot. Cpt. Quantum tries to wipe away a smile. Trip shouts that they went for a ride in a rowboat. Is he totally sure it wasn't the backseat of Jackie's car? Oh yeah, life goes on -- long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
"I swear, Cap'n, nothing happened," Trip says. Phlox tells them there would have had to be lengthy physical contact for pregnancy to occur. Trip waxes indignant about never jeopardizing his twelve-year Starfleet career, and how he considered himself a model diplomat as soon as he decompressed and stopped playing Simon. Then Trip recalls the box of telepathic pebbles. Trip goes on, "It was no big deal, we just stuck our hands in these granules for a few minutes. It's a game they play, lets you read each other's minds. But they weren't even real, they were holographic, just like everything else in the room!" "Last time I stuck my hand in a box of Pebbles, all I got was that plastic decoder ring. And it didn't even work," Mathra complains. Cpt. Quantum turns to Phlox for confirmation. "Without a sample of these 'telepathic granules,' it would be impossible to make a determination, but they could have served as the transferral medium," Phlox tells them. Trip looks vindicated. I guess he's forgetting about his electric 9 1/2 Weeks ice cube scene, or that Xyrillian orgy he participated in on the second night. "One of the first things a diplomat learns is not to stick his fingers where they don't belong," T'PSA says. Okay, that was funny, even if Blalock couldn't deliver a line adequately if she were the Postmaster General. Trip gives her A Look and turns to Cpt. Quantum, who tells him if they're going to safely remove the fetus, they'll have to find the Xyrillians first. "Why don't you and Malcolm see what you can do about finding their ship," Cpt. Quantum tells T'Prig, and asks if Trip is well enough to go back to his duties. "What, are you kidding? I'm fine!" Trip insists. Phlox tells him he'll probably experience morning sickness, but he should get rest and exercise and see him for a check-up every day. "That nipple may not be the only surprise your body has in store for you," Phlox tells him. Maybe Tripple should get kitted out for a special padded bra to put over that wrist in case he starts lactating. Trip requests they keep his secret just among the four of them. "You got it," Cpt. Quantum says as T'Prig rolls her eyes and walks out.