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Oh, joy. And fecundity. Another episode where Trip gets to be the break-out actor. Except he's more "breakout" in the acne sense than he is in the "trodding the boards in the hopes of a knighthood or at least an Emmy, but I wouldn't say no to a Golden Globe or at least one of those weird MTV-popcorn awards" sense. He's slightly pregnant after spending a weird and wonderful few minutes with his hands dipped in white pebbles while on the first holodeck seen and utilized by Starfleet officers. Ever. He grows nipples on his wrist and let's just hope upon hope that he doesn't start lactating. That could get messy. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open with the shower scene from Psycho. Right. In my dreams. Instead of Hitchcock mastery, I've got Cpt. Quantum sluicing himself off in a shower with -- hold on, is that…? It is! Real water. Maybe because I never saw anyone actually soggy in past series, I somehow got entwined with the idea that "sonic showers" didn't really use water. They were kind of like a dry cleaner for your body. You got the dirt off using waves of sonic booms. Or something. But enough of my little Lord Peter Whimsies. There's a clunk from the bowels of the ship, and Cpt. Quantum stops mid-lather in consternation. Slowly, the water around his feet starts to float up in bubbles, and his hairless and bizarrely delicate-boned feet rise in the air as well. Cpt. Quantum grabs onto his IKEA shower door and asks the bridge what's going on. "We are having a little trouble with the gravity plating on E Deck, Sir. I hope it hasn't caused you any inconvenience," Reed reports with typical British "mustn't grumble" complacency. "Oh, no," Cpt. Quantum says, swinging from the shower head to keep himself from bumping into the dirty water bubbles and the ceiling, "not at all; any idea when you might get it back online?" Reed tells him that Trip said "any minute." And, with Three Stooges-like timing, there's another clunk and a grind from the ship, which results in Cpt. Quantum and the water bubbles splattering to the floor of the shower. Ouch. I really hope he didn't pee in the shower, because that would be gross. Even without the gravity bubbles all over the place.
It's been a long brew/Getting from there to here/It's been a long brew/But my time is finally near./And I will see my foam come alive at last/I will touch the sky and they're not going to hold me down no more no they're not going to change my mind/'Cause I've got BEER in my hand/I'm going where my heart will take me/I've got BEER to drink/I can chug anything/I've got strength of the glass/No wine's going to bend or break me/I can reach any tap/I've got beer/I've got beer/Beer in my hand.
It's the shank of the morning, and T'Pol seems to be just pigging out on pallid Vulcan soup at the breakfast buffet. She'll never fit in her costume if she keeps gluttoning on that. "Not a very adventurous breakfast," Crazy Like A Phlox chirps, observing the watery mess. T'Pol tells him needlessly about the traditions of Vulcan food consumption. Is this the same Vulcan broth Ensign Scrunchie (tm Omar) was dabbling with in the last episode? Maybe it's the soup Spock threw at Nurse Chapel when he was hot with the Pon Farring. Phlox reminds her she's not on Vulcan, and should attempt to expand her palate with blueberry pancakes. He thrusts a rolled-up one near her snout, but she recoils and tells him she's gnawed on human food several times: "It didn't agree with me." Is that her way of saying she needed Beano? Phlox tells her she should wait it out: "The Vulcan digestive tract is highly adaptable." T'Pol tells him she prefers the foods she's accustomed to. Phlox says, "There's an old saying: When in Fellebia, do as the Fellebians do." Is that kind of like the old Vulcan proverb: "Only Nixon could go to China"? T'Pukey tells him it's all she can do to keep from retching at the smell of the human food, "eating it is out of the question." Is it just me, or is it a continuity problem that T'Pol has eaten salad, breadsticks, and spicy pasta at the Captain's table in past episodes without much flapping about it? Last I checked, that was all human food.
T'Pol sticks a glass in a machine and requests carbonated water. "Now that's adventurous," Phlox says. Thick, brown goo pours into the glass. Very adventurous. Think the machine's offline or needs to be reconfigured or polarized or de-polarized or something? Down in Engineering, a harried Trip runs around like the proverbial headless chicken because stuff all over the ship has gone phut. Cpt. Quantum arrives shower-fresh in Engineering and asks Trip if he's had any luck in determining the problem. "We know it's got something to do with the plasma exhaust," Trip tells him, "the flow's being restricted for some reason and it's screwing up half the systems on the ship." Trip instructs some random ensign to go do some techno-futzing in another part of Engineering. Cpt. Quantum asks if they should consider dropping out of warp, but Trip asks him to give him a minute to fix everything. There's a small explosion, followed by a fire. Cpt. Quantum grabs a fire extinguisher and discharges it, then pointedly looks at Trip. Trip sadly tells the bridge to drop out of warp. Mayweather confirms they've slowed to impulse.
"Commander," T'Pol says slinkily from her station, "I think I've found the problem." Trip, Cpt. Quantum, Reed, and T'Pol go to view her report on the viewer thingy. "Something's distorting our wake pattern," T'Pol says. "You're right," Trip notes, "the plasma exhaust shouldn't be flaring that close to the ship. "EM residue in the exhaust ports?" Reed offers, but Trip negates that by saying they checked and found them clean. Cpt. Quantum furrows his captainly brow and asks, "Malcolm, if we ignited the plasma exhaust, what kind of damage would it do to the nacelles?" Reed gets excited just hearing the word "ignited," so he tells his captain that if they polarize the hull plating, they should be okay when going half-impulse. Cpt. Quantum gives the order of half-impulse to Mayweather. Technobabble abounds as they set up hull plating polarizing, put aft sensors at full-maximum, and fire at T'Pol's command. Something solid is barely illuminated in their wake, and Cpt. Quantum orders a replay of the sensor logs. They determine that there's a ship behind them. "Looks like we've got ourselves a hitchhiker," Trip drawls. T'Pol says, "They must be using some sort of stealth technology." You really should light a match the time you use your "stealth technology"! Heh. I have farts on the brain because of Sars's recent Tomato Nation. It's good to know my family's not the only one. Anyway, Cpt. Quantum opines that the stealthy ship must know that they've been found out, and tells Hoshi to open hailing frequencies. Unfortunately, due to the malfunctioning, Hoshi can only get audio, and activates the translator. Cpt. Quantum gets into Fort Apache mode and tells the ship to back off because it's wreaking havoc with their functions. The cloaked ship responds in alienism. Hoshi finally gets the translation: "We are complying with your request. We ask you not to harm us." Reed reports that the ship has moved off, and Cpt. Quantum tells them they have no intention of harming them but they'd like an explanation. The translated response comes back: "I apologize for any damage we've caused. Our engines are malfunctioning and we've been using your plasma exhaust to replenish our teraphasic coils. It's allowed us to share your warp field." T'Pol confirms that their warp core is offline. Cpt. Quantum says he and his crew would be happy to help if they'd kindly unstealth themselves. A tiny ship shimmers greenly into view behind them.
In sickbay, Phlox tells Trip -- who's apparently borrowed the Captain's Tick Underoos for his medical exam -- that he's giving him 40 mgs of Mirazine. "It should shorten the decompression process by half." Trip complains that it still leaves him three hours in which to twiddle his thumbs. "Can you recommend a good book?" he asks. "Trip reads?" Mathra asks, aghast. T'Pol tells him (Trip, not Mathra) that she'll be briefing him on the alien ship's propulsion systems. Now that's one to keep you up nights. Trip asks Cpt. Quantum if he's sure he shouldn't come back to the Enterprise at night. "Three hours of decompression in each direction, makes more sense to stay until the job's done." Phlox, ever the gourmand, tells Trip he sent the aliens his dietary requirements. "They claim to have the ability to synthesize protein and carbohydrates but there's no telling what it might taste like," T'Pol tells him, and hands over her personal Pepto Bismol dispenser. "Try to be…diplomatic," T'Pol continues, going into Unblinking Hypnotized Acting Mode. Jolene Blalock must have heavy stock investments in Visine, what with that staring problem she's got. I fear for her corneas. "Three days on an alien ship," Trip muses as Phlox jabs him with some more Mirazine. "Try to mind your manners," is Cpt. Quantum's parting instruction. Yes, and look both ways when crossing the lava stream, chew with your mouth closed, and don't go sticking beans up your nose. Unless it's part of their alien culture, of course.
Mayweather pilots a shuttle into docking lock on the alien ship and tells Trip, "It's too bad the ship-to-ship sensors are down -- would've been nice to get a look at them." Don't worry, I'm sure Trip will count their breasts and take pictures for you, Boomer. Trip makes a crack about thinking of it as a blind date, and opens the hatch. He signals to Cpt. Quantum that he's going in, and the Captain tells him to keep his com channel open: "We'll be right here." Mayweather helps Trip with all his baggage as he climbs into the decompression chamber. "Don't forget to come back for me," Trip tells him. "I don't know, we are kind of busy," Mayweather cracks, sliding deeper into the Harry Kim Sinkhole Of Never Having His Own Story Line. Trip sits down in a copper-paneled chamber as a bright light is shined on him. He calls out "Hello?" a few times before smoke starts filling the chamber. He coughs, and a voice tells him, "Try to maintain your normal rate of respiration." "This stuff's burning my lungs!" Trip yells. "Maintain your normal rate of respiration, the discomfort will subside," the voice tells him. Trip looks around wildly, still hacking up a lung, and the music tells us we're supposed to believe that the aliens pulled a fast one and are actually poisoning him. Does it strike anyone that Cpt. Quantum is just so naively trusting? Oh, they need our help? We'll help them. They say they mean no harm? We'll believe them. I really think he's running risks of which Starfleet's Blue Cross Blue Shield would not have approved.
Enterprise and the alien vessel glide along side by side. Cpt. Quantum's feeding Porthos in his quarters when T'Pol intercoms him, saying, "Commander Tucker's calling again, sir, he's rather anxious." Cpt. Quantum has him patched through. Trip, in a shouting voice, asks how long it's been. "About five minutes longer than the last time you asked," Cpt. Quantum tells him, and asks how his poison gas breathing's going. "A lot easier, but I prefer air I can't see," Trip whines, pacing in his chamber. Yeah, you belong on space missions. Wimp. Cpt. Quantum tells him that the air will clear up in the last half hour of decompression. "I feel like I've been in here for a week!" Trip shouts. "You've only got forty-five minutes left, Trip, be patient," Cpt. Quantum tells him, and hangs up. Guess they don't say "goodbye" in outer space either.
In his chamber, Trip idly watches a panel flash colored lights at him. "Blue, one. Green, three. Yellow, two. Orange, five. Yellow, three. Red, four," the lights go faster. "Whoa! That's too fast, I'm not a computer!" Trip calls out, annoyed that the Star Trek edition of Simon defeated him. There's a hissing noise as the chamber door slides open. Bald aliens in silver catsuits scrutinize Trip. One greets him and tells him he hopes the acclimation process wasn't too traumatic. The camera tilts at wild and crazy angles to make us that realize Trip's trippin'. Again. Trip groggily mutters back, "Blue, three. Yellow, six. Orange, four," by way of a response. The Greeter Alien tells him that the perceptual tests are the best way they have of telling whether their visitors are acclimated enough for their environment. Another alien, female if voices can tell you anything, tells him that they have food for him. "Not right now, thank you," Trip slurs. Maybe he needs to use the bathroom after those three hours in a confined environment. Greeter Alien tells him, "We strongly recommend that you get some rest." But Trip, weird little blister that he is, shrugs this suggestion off and says he wants to see the engine room. The female alien leads the way. Trip sees an alien running his hand over a panel, generating blue sparks. The female alien leads him past some oblong windows with minnowy sea creatures swimming by. That's straight out of Dr. No, thank you very much.
In the engine room, Trip's on one of those skateboard things mechanics use to slide under cars when he starts to act really dippy, screeching to Cpt. Quantum that he's got a fever: "Ah'm havin' trouble focusin', breathin'. Ah rilly think Ah need to git back, Cap'n!" "And Ah think Ah'm seein' those rock people agin!" Mathra drawls, sawing at the air. Cpt. Quantum first tells him to sweat it out, and then gets concerned by his ravings. Especially when Trip tells him the hum of the ship's engines makes him want to pee. Okay, not really. Cpt. Quantum's all fired up to get him outta there until the Greeter Alien, who Cpt. Quantum calls Trena'l, tells him that Trip resisted their instructions to get forty winks before starting work. Ignoring all his protests that he just wants out, Cpt. Quantum coms Trip and says, "Take a nap, Trip, that's an order." Why doesn't he just tell him that these aliens are consorting with the Rock People and Trip needs to get a little shut-eye in order to perform covert operations in his sleep? Hey, it worked in the LSD episode.
Femalien takes Trip to some sleeping quarters. There's a black-out and Trip awakens in an Eames sleeping chair to the sound of ocean waves. Femalien approaches him and tells him, "Your Captain sent the recording. He thought it might help you relax." Aw, that Cpt. Quantum, always so solicitous when he sends his crew on lethal missions. Did he send lavender eye shades as well? "Are you feeling better?" Femalien asks. Trip nods, points to the wall, and asks, "What's that?" With a pirouette, Femalien reaches over and says, "Our food, it grows all over the ship." She plucks a piece off with a flourish of the wrist and eats it. Cool, just like Willie Wonka! She offers Trip some, who shakes his head and tells her he'll pass, so Femalien, with another pirouette-ish move, picks up a large bowl from the floor and says, "This is the closest we could come to water." She picks up a piece of something and brings it to Trip's mouth, but he recoils. "Trust me," she murmurs. She feeds him. Trip tongues it over, mouthing, "Hmm." Femalien sticks her hand back in the bowl, and we can see a bunch of crystal-like pieces. Big fat alien deal -- it just looks like ice. She feeds him another piece, and blue sparks emit from it as her scaly skin touches him. "Did that hurt?" she asks him. "Not really," Trip tells her. Nothing a vat of Lubriderm won't cure. Femalien continues feeding him and sparking him. Well, bring out the whipped cream and call me Mickey Rourke. Trip says, "It's kinda nice. Does that happen when you people touch each other?" "Something similar. Have you had enough?" she asks. Trip shrugs, "A man needs a lot of fluids when he's under the weather," he says meaningfully. Yeah, try translating that idiom into alienese. Femalien feeds him another ice cube, which results in more anvilsome sparks. Trip looks deep into her alien eyes and she backs away, saying that, since he's feeling better, they should get back to work. "Can we take some of those with us?" Trip asks hopefully.
Back on Enterprise, T'Pol asks Trip if the injector cells and the primary coil are aligned. "Aligned and locked," Trip confirms, adding, "You're not going to believe this -- they've got grass growing on the floor. Real grass." What is it about this series and drugs? Trip asks T'Pol if Vulcan grass is green, but T'Pol ignores him and asks, "Have you tested the ion matrix, Commander?" as Cpt. Quantum steps onto the bridge. Trip goes on, "The grass releases some kind of vapor, helps them metabolize their food." Just like cats. Except cats are a little messier with the metabolizing bit. "Smells just like a freshly mowed lawn," Trip babbles. "The ion matrix, Commander," T'Pol reminds him. Trip and another silver-suited-Nivea-needing alien technobabble a bit, and Trip tells Enterprise that it won't be long before their plasma coils come back online. "Sounds like Trip's feeling better," Cpt. Quantum says. "Before you know it, he'll have that engine room running like a well-oiled machine," Mayweather says. And before you know it, your entire screen time will consist solely of hackneyed speeches. Trip tells Cpt. Quantum that they'll be able to bring the aliens' warp reactor online in a few hours. "Just think, yesterday you would've done anything to get out of there," Cpt. Quantum tells him, banally. Trip signs off and grins at his Femalien, who tells them since they've got a few hours to kill, there's something she wants him to see. Yeah, in her bed.
She leads him to a sparkly psychedelic room with veins running through the silver walls like butterfly wings, and I start looking around for Deney Terrio. Femalien pulls a remote control from the wall and says, "Watch this." The Dance Fever walls disappear, and they're standing on the landscape of some planet. "That's Thera," she explains. "It's where I come from." Trip comments that the depth perception is boffo and asks, "What is it? A 3-D simulator of some kind?" Femalien tells him that it's holographic. Trip says it's nothing like any hologram he's seen. Anyone remember Jem and the Holograms? They were truly outrageous. Femalien reaches down, scoops up some sand, and drizzles it in his hand. "Seems real, doesn't it?" she asks. "How do you -- ?" Trip's speechless. "Resequenced photons," Femalien tells him. They start to walk, and Trip marvels that the perspective is changing. "We could walk all the way to the city and you'd never know we're still in this room," Femalien tells him, and clicks the remote again. Their surroundings change, and Trip nearly loses his balance as he finds the two of them standing up in a boat in the middle of a body of water. Never stand in a boat. Femalien steadies Trip and tells him to sit down. They sit. "We're still in the same room and this isn't a boat," Trip states. "It's a boat," Femalien tells him, "it's just resequenced --" "Resequenced photons," Trip finishes. "Exactly," Femalien says. "If we had one of these on Enterprise, I'd never ask for shore leave," Trip marvels, looking around him. "You don't have any dermal plating," Femalien says, apropos of nothing, "how do you interpret other people's moods?" Trip answers, "We don't -- well, actually we do, but we do it by observing behavior. Getting to know someone." Femalien comments that Trip's follicles have grown. Ew, really? Oh, she means his beard. "Do they serve a purpose?" she asks. They make him sassy. Trip tells her not to his very limited knowledge, and that normally he'd shave them off with a razor but he hasn't gotten around to it yet. "Do you mind?" Femalien asks. Of course he doesn't, the cheeky monkey, so she reaches out a scaly hand and brushes it along his face, creating those anvilly sparks yet again. "Does that hurt?" she asks, her face suddenly very close to his. "Not in the least," Trip grins, signaling the band to strike up the bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp music. Femalien reaches for the remote again and holographs up a few condoms. But the resequencing photons don't understand her request and give her a dish full of white granules instead. "More water?" Trip asks. "No," Femalien tells him, "this is a game we play." It's Alien Spin The Bottle. Femalien sticks one hand into the granules, which start to glow violet at her touch. She invites Trip to stick his hand in as well. He tentatively sticks his fingers partway in, then goes All The Way. More violet glowing, and Trip looks at her in wonderment. Femalien sticks her other hand in. "Are there any rules to this game?" Trip asks. Yes, whoever has the first orgasm wins. "It takes four hands to work," Femalien tells him, so Trip sticks his other hand in. More purple glow. "Your favorite food is catfish," Femalien tells him. "How the hell didja know that?" Trip asks. Uh, your accent? Femalien asks him, "What's mine?" "Your what? Your favorite food?" Trip asks. You'd think she'd know that herself. "Yes," Femalien says, "Concentrate. What's my favorite food?" Trip concentrates for a bit, then says, "Dutara root! How'd I know that?" Delighted, Femalien says she didn't know if the granules would work with his species. She looks up at him. "Captain Archer saved your life once. About four years ago," she tells Trip, who says, "This is one helluva game." It's like a Vulcan mind-meld, but without all the face gripping and pain. "You find me…attractive," Trip says, grinning. Guess the granules aren't working for me. "You like having people find you attractive," Femalien tells him. "Sometimes," Ego Trip says, grinning wider. And when, exactly, would be a time he doesn't like people to find him attractive? A voice comes through their foreplay and tells them the warp coils are back online. "Understood," Femalien calls back, and they reluctantly take their hands out of the granules. Femalien stands up and takes the remote out again. "You'd better stand up," she tells Trip. The water scene and boat vanish, and they're back in the Dance Fever room again.
Mayweather helps Trip onto the shuttlecraft. "Decompression any easier coming back?" Mayweather asks. "Three hours is three hours," Trip tells him. "You can't imagine what it was like over there, Travis. Food growin' on the walls, teraphasic warp coils, boxes full of pebbles that make you telepathic." "What were the Xyrillians like?" Mayweather asks. Because what he's really after is the breast-to-alien ratio. Trip tells him that the Xyrillians are shorter, with scales on their faces, "but otherwise, pretty much like you and me. It sure was something. Reminded me why I signed on, but it is good to be home." Back aboard Enterprise, Trena'l tells Cpt. Quantum that he hopes their mission hasn't been delayed too much. "Getting to meet other species is our mission," Cpt. Quantum tells him. And if you can get a few crewmembers high or impregnated along the way, well, that's just an added benefit. Trip steps on the bridge and notes that the visual's working again. Trena'l tells Trip that he appreciates his help all the more since he knows how difficult it must've been adapting to their environment. "Well, it was worth every minute," Trip says feelingly, which gets a quizzical look from Cpt. Quantum. Guess they'll be discussing that in the locker room. Trip tells the Xyrillians that as long as their coils stay charged, they should have no problem with their warp field. He then turns his attention to Femalien and thanks her for looking after him when he wasn't feeling so good. "It was worth every minute," Femalien tells him, which leads the whole bridge to wonder if Trip got his coil charged. "Nice work, Commander," Cpt. Quantum says. "I appreciate the opportunity, Cap'n," Trip says. Are we still talking about the Xyrillian engines? Just checking. T'Prim and Proper says, "I, for one, won't miss the malfunctions their proximity was causing." You don't miss anything -- for the last time, YOU'RE A VULCAN! Ech, I need a case of Post Road Pumpkin Ale.
In the mess, Reed joins Trip as he stuffs his maw. "Didn't they feed you over there?" Reed asks. Trip tells him he should've come with. "I heard about the holographic recreation," Reed says. Trip tells him it wuzn't nuttin' like any visual display he's ever experienced: "You could smell the ocean, feel the salt air on your skin." Reed comments that if they had one of those on their ship, "I can only imagine what they'd be used for." Can you, Reed? Trip chuckles and says that he doesn't know how well they recreate people, but they do landscapes real well. Reed asks if Trip made any friends over there. "Ah'len, one of their engineers. She's the one who showed me the holographic chamber," Trip says. Reed asks if she's the one Trip thanked for taking care of him. "Yeah," Trip says, still not having learned not to talk with his mouth full. "Ah," Reed muses. "Interesting scales." Trip tells him they left a quantity of alpha hydroxy scrub over there, so that should clear it right up. "She did have a certain…sensuality to her," Trip tells him. "So," Reed says, changing the topic to something he's interested in, "did you get a look at their weapons?" Trip tells him he's not really sure they had any. Reed looks flabbergasted. Trip asks him if he's tried the scrambled eggs: "Taste just like the real thing today." Once and for all, will they let us know if they have a chef making real meals from real food or if they use a replicator? Why else would he make the comment about keeping it real that day? Trip winces and pulls up his shirtsleeve to examine his wrist. There's a pimple on it. Reed suggests he was allergic to something over there. "No, I cleared bio-scan," Trip tells him. Reed says he better let Phlox take a look at it. And then join La Leche.
In sickbay, Trip tells Phlox he didn't think he was allergic to anything. Maybe nothing on Earth, but I don't really think you can vouch for alien environments you've not previously experienced, Triptease. Phlox tells him he doesn't think it's an allergic reaction. "Tell me, did your visit to the Xyrillian ship involve any…romance?" Phlox asks. "What?" Trip asks. "Were you intimate with anyone?" Phlox tries again. Trip tells him, "Doc, I was over there to repair a warp reactor -- what are you talkin' about?" "Seems you did a little more than 'repair work,'" Phlox tells him, scanning him with his medical tricorder. "Meaning?" Trip asks. "This is a nipple," Phlox says, referring to the wrist pimple. "I beg your pardon?" Trip says. Still scanning, Phlox says, "Ah, ah! The blastocyst is located between the sixth and seventh intercostals." Because he didn't watch the previews or read all the articles leading up to the advent of this series, Trip still doesn't get it. "I'm not quite sure if congratulations are in order, Commander, but you're pregnant," Phlox tells him, scheduling him for a course of Lamaze.
T'Peeved and Cpt. Quantum have assembled in sickbay as Trip slides out of a CAT scan. Phlox punches up some data and shows a graphic of the embryo. Aw, alien baby's first ultrasound. "I assume you'll be happy to know it's not technically your child," Phlox tells him. Predictably, Trip's confused. "When reproducing," Phlox explains, "the Xyrillians only utilize the genetic material of the mother. The males simply serve as 'hosts.'" Trip says, "That's comforting, but how the hell did I get knocked up?" Well, it was dark and you were drunk. Phlox says they don't have data detailing the Xyrillian copulating procedures, but Trip should be able to recall a sexual encounter on his own. Trip's stumped. "Three days," T'Prig bites out, "you were only there for three days and you couldn't restrain yourself." Trip swears to his Captain nothing happened: "I was a complete gentleman the entire time." T'Prig takes the words right out of my mouth when she says, "I imagine that's a question of how you define 'gentleman.'" It depends on what the definition of "is" is. Trip tells them the only female he had contact with was Ah'len, their engineer. "Other than repairing the reactor, all she and I did together was go into this holographic chamber they've got. She showed me some home movies [cough, porn, cough], simulations of their planet, but I didn't lay a hand on her," Trip protests. Trip asks Phlox if there's some way of getting the embryo out of him and into a surrogate host without hurting it. Phlox tells him that the embryo has "integrated with [Trip's] pericardium," and he wouldn't be comfortable removing it without knowing more about the ins and outs of Xyrillian gestation. "This engineer wanted you to see her planet?" T'Prig asks. "So?" Trip says. "I believe the step would have been to meet her holographic parents. If I'm not mistaken on some planets that's a precursor to marriage," T'Prig says, still with that rather trying resemblance in her manner to a constable reasoning with the village idiot. Cpt. Quantum tries to wipe away a smile. Trip shouts that they went for a ride in a rowboat. Is he totally sure it wasn't the backseat of Jackie's car? Oh yeah, life goes on -- long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
"I swear, Cap'n, nothing happened," Trip says. Phlox tells them there would have had to be lengthy physical contact for pregnancy to occur. Trip waxes indignant about never jeopardizing his twelve-year Starfleet career, and how he considered himself a model diplomat as soon as he decompressed and stopped playing Simon. Then Trip recalls the box of telepathic pebbles. Trip goes on, "It was no big deal, we just stuck our hands in these granules for a few minutes. It's a game they play, lets you read each other's minds. But they weren't even real, they were holographic, just like everything else in the room!" "Last time I stuck my hand in a box of Pebbles, all I got was that plastic decoder ring. And it didn't even work," Mathra complains. Cpt. Quantum turns to Phlox for confirmation. "Without a sample of these 'telepathic granules,' it would be impossible to make a determination, but they could have served as the transferral medium," Phlox tells them. Trip looks vindicated. I guess he's forgetting about his electric 9 1/2 Weeks ice cube scene, or that Xyrillian orgy he participated in on the second night. "One of the first things a diplomat learns is not to stick his fingers where they don't belong," T'PSA says. Okay, that was funny, even if Blalock couldn't deliver a line adequately if she were the Postmaster General. Trip gives her A Look and turns to Cpt. Quantum, who tells him if they're going to safely remove the fetus, they'll have to find the Xyrillians first. "Why don't you and Malcolm see what you can do about finding their ship," Cpt. Quantum tells T'Prig, and asks if Trip is well enough to go back to his duties. "What, are you kidding? I'm fine!" Trip insists. Phlox tells him he'll probably experience morning sickness, but he should get rest and exercise and see him for a check-up every day. "That nipple may not be the only surprise your body has in store for you," Phlox tells him. Maybe Tripple should get kitted out for a special padded bra to put over that wrist in case he starts lactating. Trip requests they keep his secret just among the four of them. "You got it," Cpt. Quantum says as T'Prig rolls her eyes and walks out.
In Engineering, Trip gets off the lift and subsequently blasts an underling, named "Dillard," about the contraption being an accident waiting to happen. Dullard is confused. "This safety bar's a meter off the floor!" Trip shouts. "What use would it be for a small person?" "A small person?" Dullard repeats. "A short alien, a child -- this thing's a deathtrap!" Trip gets in the lift and says, "Look at this handrail," and as he pilots the lift up a bit, "if you put your hands here while it's going up or down, it'll take your fingers right off!" "Why would someone put their hands there, sir?" Dullard asks, still stumbling in a fog as to what Trip's on about. Trip suddenly realizes what he's been saying in his paternal tangent and mutters, "Never mind." That Trip, Dullard's telling everyone in the mess hall, he's such an odd fish.
Cpt. Quantum squats on a starlog and says they've been looking for the Xyrillians for eight days but have not seen hide nor plasma trail of them. Trip, wearing a maternity-esque button-down shirt rather than his uniform, walks through the mess hall, shooting looks at fellow crewmembers who appear to be looking at him and talking about him behind their hands. He enters the Captain's dining room and apologizes to Phlox and Cpt. Quantum for his lateness. Cpt. Quantum asks him how he's feeling. "I thought we all promised to keep this under wraps," Trip says agitatedly. Phlox and Cpt. Quantum both assure him they've said nothing. "I knew it," Trip says, sitting down, "she probably let it slip the minute she left sick bay." Phlox points out that T'Pol promised to keep his condition a secret. "Where I'm from, Vulcans aren't known for keeping their promises," Trip says. Cpt. Quantum asks him if he has any real reason for believing that T'Pol dished on him. "All you have to do is see the way they whisper," Trip says, gesturing to the mess hall behind him, "talk behind my back. You know what happened this morning? Ensign Hart pulled out my chair for me! I'm telling you it's T'Pol and you can be sure it was intentional. [Can you blame her? I mean, you did threaten to cut her in half last week.] What's that?" Trip appears easily distracted by food. Cpt. Quantum tells him it's chicken tetrazzini, and Trip dumps the lot of it onto his plate. "Did you cut yourself?" Cpt. Quantum asks him, looking at his wrist. "I wish," Trip says. "I don't want to ruin your appetites, but take a look at this." He pulls off a bandage and shows that the first nipple has grown an aureole and now he has a second nubbin started. "Jest how many of these am I gonna grow?" Trip asks. "And while we're on the subject, are they gonna go away afterward?" "One would think," Phlox tells him. "Then again, I have no experience with this species." My advice is that Trip trot right out and snag himself a breast pump. I'm sure T'Pol has one he can borrow. Though hers is likely set to "in" rather than "out."
Cpt. Quantum tells him that as it's been over a week, they may have to consider the possibility they won't find the Xyrillians. "What's that supposed to mean?" Trip says, his mouth stuffed with food. "Are you saying I'm going to deliver this baby?" Phlox says he thinks the Captain is saying more than that, explaining, "Once the child is born, it may well rely on you to take care of it." "I'm the Chief Engineer, I spent years earning that position," Trip says between even more mouthfuls of food. "I never had any intention of becoming a working mother." Cpt. Quantum tries not to laugh at Trip's dismay and tells him that his gestation period should only last another five or six weeks. "You should expect to begin experiencing some unusual symptoms, hormonal changes, mostly -- mood swings, heightened emotions." Crying at Hallmark commercials, sending Reed out in the middle of the night for Moo Shi chicken. Cpt. Quantum suggests Trip keep wearing his civvies: "It seems to hide the…bulge." Every episode is about something bulging out of Trip's body, isn't it? Trip asks how much bigger "this thing" is going to get. Before Phlox can answer, Trip gets out of his chair, saying, "I'm already the laughingstock of the ship." Honey, you were that before the pregnancy thing. Trip calls the steward in and tells him he'd love some more of the chicken tetrazzini. "I'd like you to start seeing the doctor every eight hours. As your delivery date gets closer, he should be able to start figuring out what your post-natal responsibilities might be," Cpt. Quantum tells him. "'Post-natal responsibilities,'" Trip repeats incredulously. "You may very well be putting those nipples to work before you know it," Phlox says. Finally, a crewmember other than T'Pol who will be putting their nipples to use! The steward chooses this precise moment to deliver Trip his tub of chicken tetrazzini, which Trip snatches, glaring him out of the room. Cpt. Quantum hides another smile and tells him, "There's a bright side to all this. As far as we know, this is the first interspecies pregnancy involving a human." Trip sighs, alone in bewailing his barefoot-and-pregnant state.
The bridge thinks they've picked up something on their scanners. "Looks like their signature," Mayweather reports. T'Pol, swanning about the bridge, orders them to proceed on an intercept course and tells Cpt. Quantum they may have found the Xyrillians. "Thank god!" Trip says, through -- what else? -- a mouthful of food. As the three of them beat a hasty retreat, Trip grabs a handful of breadsticks. They arrive on the bridge, and Cpt. Quantum asks for a report. "We're approaching the coordinates, I've analyzed the stealth telemetry. I believe it's them," T'Pol says, carefully sliding out of the Captain's chair so everyone can admire her body. Cpt. Quantum orders them to impulse: "Hoshi, try to get an image." They see a ship. "Doesn't look very stealthy to me," Reed comments. They go in for a closer look. "If the Starship profiles the Vulcans gave us are correct --" "They're correct, Lieutenant," T'Pol interrupts, "that's a Klingon battle cruiser." We get a good look at the Klingon ship from TOS, newly enhanced with CG windows. When T'Pol found the Xyrillian signature, wouldn't she have found them in the Klingon plasma trail and therefore have likewise fetched up the Klingon ship? Not very thorough of her, or the writers. However, at this point, I did start to think that perhaps there were wheels within wheels and that the Xyrillians were not the innocent dermatologically-challenged aliens they appeared to be.
"Where the hell are the Xyrillians?" Trip asks. T'Pol tells him his repairs must not have done much, because the Xyrillians are hiding in the Klingon ship's plasma wake. Cpt. Quantum turns to Hoshi, who says their translation program "should be in pretty good shape." Reed asks if what they're doing is really a good idea. Why not? All we know about the Klingons at this point is that Enterprise successfully returned Klaang to them, along with his information about the Suliban. We haven't seen any reason for them to act hostile -- other than the fact that it's their natural state. Cpt. Quantum says they won't be able to speak to the Xyrillians without the Klingons knowing about it, and tells Hoshi to open a channel. He launches into his whole spiel about who they are and how they'd "respectfully" like to ask their assistance with something. Reed shouts that the Klingons are charging weapons. Of course they are -- anything to shut Quantum up! "Polarize the hull plating! Grab ahold of something!" Cpt. Quantum orders. The Klingons fire and fire again. "Why are they attacking us?" Mayweather asks. "They're not, if they wanted to destroy Enterprise, they would have done it," T'Pol tells him. "So, I guess that's their version of a warning shot across our bow?" Cpt. Quantum asks. Reed says he doesn't recommend they stick around for any more warnings, and Mayweather asks if he should get them out of there. Cpt. Quantum tells him not to move them and asks Hoshi to hail them again. Starfleet Blue Cross Blue Shield cancels their group number. Trip reports that the Klingon starboard nacelles are fluctuating, just like Enterprise's did when the Xyrillians were hiding behind them. Hoshi announces that the Klingons are responding to their hails.
A Klingon comes on the screen and demands to know what right they think they have to approach a Klingon warship. Cpt. Quantum apologizes with a wink and a smile and says he needs to ask if they've been experiencing malfunctions on their ship. "You've been monitoring our systems -- for how long?" Cpt. Klingon demands, getting even more edgy. Cpt. Quantum assures him they haven't been monitoring them at all; they had the same malfunctions because of a small ship riding in their wake. "They're using your plasma exhaust to fuel their warp coils," Cpt. Quantum finishes. Cpt. Klingon is enraged, and orders his crew to find the vessel. "Wait a minute. Wait a minute," Cpt. Quantum says, holding up his hands laughingly. That gesture of his alone makes me want to fire on him. "They're harmless," Cpt. Quantum continues, not heeding my ire. "We need them, alive. Just give me a chance to explain." Cpt. Klingon again orders his crewmate to find the Xyrillian ship. The Klingon vessel fires off its aft and tractor-beams the Xyrillian ship into sight. "There are thirty-six aboard," Klingon Crewmate reports. "Bring the captain to me and execute the others," Cpt. Klingon orders. "Didn't you hear what I said?" Cpt. Quantum roars, dancing about the bridge. "I need them alive!" "What you need is to turn your puny ship around and leave. These aliens violated our security and disrupted our systems. Both are considered acts of war against the Empire!" Cpt. Klingon says, going apoplectic. "I assure you that any damage they caused was unintentional. They are simply trying to get home," Cpt. Quantum tries to explain. "They won't get home, but I am more than willing to hasten their journey to Sto'vo'kor!" Cpt. Klingon says. Cpt. Quantum turns to Hoshi for help with this word. "The afterlife," she whispers. "You really don't want to hurt these people. They're actually very kind. They've just had some trouble with their engines," Cpt. Quantum tells the Klingons. You really don't know what you're talking about, Quantum, because that is what Klingons really want to do, and they are not swayed by the "kindness" of strangers. Cpt. Quantum keeps babbling in this non-going-anywhere way until Cpt. Klingon vents his spleen and mine by screaming, "You're wasting my time!"
Finally, T'Pol steps into action and delivers a powerful invective by reminding them of Klaang's return: "The Chancellor himself called him a man of honor, a brother. Enterprise is the ship that found Klaang and returned him to the Empire. Without Klaang, your houses would be at war with each other. Jonathan Archer is the man who carried out that rescue. You are in his debt. You would be demonstrating both honor and wisdom to grant his request." And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard! Trip, the single mother, sidles in and babbles about how he was at the ship fixing their warp reactor and discovered that they have access to amazing technology. "If you don't kill them, I'm sure they'd share it with you. Teach you how to use it." The Klingons ask him to be specific about the technology, and Trip goes on about the holographic room. "Press a few buttons and you'll be standing on a hillside overlooking Kronos," Trip says. Well, that's stupid, because you can't overlook a planet from a hillside unless the hillside is on a moon or something. Trip twits the Klingons that they'd be too afraid to go through the decompression procedures. This just gets the Klingons riled again. "If you agree to enter their vessel, I'd appreciate if you'd take my Chief Engineer with you," Cpt. Quantum says. "He talks too much," Cpt. Klingon scoffs. Amen, brother Klingon. Cpt. Quantum says that Trip was there for three days, so the Xyrillians trust him: "It'll make things a lot easier." Cpt. Klingon says he might spare the Xyrillian lives if their technology "amuses" him. Point of atrocious character continuity: I think the Klingons would be more interested in acquiring the Xyrillian stealth technology than in their holodeck. If I recall, there are certain episodes of TNG in which the Klingons make a point of deriding how much the Federation ships are built for comfort and entertainment. Cpt. Klingon says he doesn't need Trip on his mission. "There's another reason," Cpt. Quantum interjects. "Commander Tucker has some unfinished business with the Xyrillians." "I am not interested in your engineer's business," Cpt. Klingon says. Lordy, neither am I, but I have to suffer through it. Where's the rest of the case of beer? "There's a pregnancy involved," Cpt. Quantum finally says, much to the gleeful interest of the bridge crew. "I thought you said you were there to fix their warp reactor, not to impregnate one of their females. This should be a lesson to you. Forget it happened," Cpt. Klingon advises. Trip tells him it's not going to be that easy to forget and lifts up his shirt, exposing a big bruised hernia on his side. The Enterprise crew scrambles over each other to get a look while the Klingons guffaw.
Trip and the Klingons climb out of the decompression chamber, and Trip tells the Xyrillians that the Klingon captain, Vortok, will spare their ship if they can have one or two of the holographic simulators. "It would be a good idea to cooperate," Trip advises. Cpt. Vorok hands over a data chip and tells him, "This is a topographic survey of our capitol." You can read Quark files, right? Trena'l says they'd be happy to oblige, and the Klingons follow him. Ah'len tells Trip that their coils worked for six days and then went kaput. Trip explains their motivation for looking for them by lifting his shirt. He's getting good at that. Ah'len gets emotional and says, "I had no idea this could happen with another species." You know, since she said the same thing about the granules, I don't believe her story anymore. ["Seriously. It's like the Xyrillian version of 'I'll pull out in time.'" -- Sars] "I'd be real appreciative if you could get this outta me, assuming it's safe," Trip says. Ah'len scans the bruise and says, "It's still early enough that we can transfer the embryo to another host. She looks very healthy." "It's a girl, huh?" Trip says, looking at the scan. It's a little late to feign interest in "the thing," buddy boy.
On the holodeck, Cpt. Vortok overlooks the Klingon capitol and says, "I can see my house from here!" Hee. "Can this technology be adapted to our power matrix?" Trena'l says he's sure they can make it fit. Back on his ship, Cpt. Vortok says that once the Xyrillians are done installing the holodecks, they can bugger off. Cpt. Quantum says he appreciates their help in the baby matter. "I hope the time we meet we can be of help to you," Cpt. Quantum says, always eager to please foreigners. Cpt. Vortok leans into his screen and tells Cpt. Quantum to heed his words: "Our debt is repaid. We have no interest in 'meeting' you again. If we do, I promise you'll regret it." Yep, that's a holodeck we'll never see in the future.
At the Captain's table, Trip comments, "The only thing worse than spending three hours in a decompression chamber with a bunch of Klingons is having to do it twice in one day. I smelled things in there I hope I never smell again." Like you're really summer-in-a-bowl to them, Commander Postpartum. Cpt. Quantum tells them that the Xyrillians should be at their home planet in less than a month. "No more hitchhiking?" Trip asks. Cpt. Quantum shakes his head and turns to T'Pol: "That business about the Klingon Chancellor calling me a brother -- was that true?" "Klingons are known to exaggerate, I saw nothing wrong with doing the same," T'Pol says, sipping her water. Cpt. Quantum and Trip exchange one of their "that T'Pol!" looks. "Your appetite seems to be back to normal," Cpt. Quantum says, addressing Trip. "I'm eating for one again," Trip says, clearly indicating that his table manners still haven't changed. T'Pol tells him she ran a check in their database: "You might be pleased to know that this is the first recorded incident of a human male becoming pregnant." Except for that Danny DeVito/Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just how I always wanted to get into the history books," Trip sighs. Or on Jerry Springer.
week on Enterprise, the crew stumbles upon The Lost Colony Of Roanoke but finds more than "Croatoan" written on a tree, and now, if you'll kindly excuse me, the emotional strain through which I have recently passed has left me sorely in need of refreshment. Ta, folks.