Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 16 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Hot Tubs & Hand Grenades
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 14 | Aired on 01.08.2013
Dad: "I don't wanna be your gatekeeper, Emma. I wanna be your dad."
Emily: "First of all my name is Emily."
MARIN
Hanna is still watching that Mona tape. Remember how Emily kept watching the Maya tape even though it was soo boring and Maya is soo awful? Like that. Finally Regina shuts the laptop and tells her to go to bed. You're not gonna solve the Mona problem tonight, baby girl. She's right. Save it for the morrow. Presuming Mona doesn't wake you up with a sudden knife attack, or makeover, or by doing spider-fingers on your elbow once you've fallen asleep, of course.
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "How's Meredith? Dead, I hope."
Byron: "She's fine. Everybody in this town has gotten blown up a few times. I offered to let her stay the night..."
Aria: "Really? That's fucking awful of you."
Byron: "But she said she didn't want to. Then she told me what really happened in Civics class, how you lied about using your phone for a second and then meekly handed it over and generally were about five times nicer than you needed to be. And let me tell you I am livid."
Aria: "Well, when are you not."
Byron: "Meredith and I think that probably you blew her up. Or if not you, at least that head case Spencer Hastings."
Aria: "Jesus Christ. You blind ONE FUCKING GIRL and it's all..."
Byron: "Aria, tell me the truth. Did you explode my girlfriend?"
Aria: "See, the thing is that if I did, I would tell you. That would be the point."
Byron: "Our secrets, Aria, come back to haunt us."
Aria: "What about your fuckin' secrets, wiseguy? How about you get your shit together before hoppin' back on that old parenting bicycle? Get the hell out of my room, and you better fucking shut the door."
Because he is absolutely the hugest piece of butt in the world, Byron does not shut the door on the way out. Which, in all its passive-aggressive, weiner-headed glory, is kind of the most Byron thing Byron has ever done. "Blow up my girlfriend, willya. Just see if I politely shut your bedroom door as requested. We'll just fucking see about that. This is the New World Order."
DILAURENTIS
Jason chills on his porch, watching bugs get pulled into the blue light of the zapper, which we're meant to think for the moment is a metaphor for Spencer's sisterly concern: Don't get pulled into Mona's cult like everybody else, or you'll end up like Noel Kahn. Perfect in absolutely every way that exists, and having constant, consequence-free, mind-bending sex with a girl whose self-esteem is so low it turned her into a literal supervillain.
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