Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 16 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Hot Tubs & Hand Grenades
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 14 | Aired on 01.08.2013
Regina: "Hey, a big basket of muffins from somebody named M. What a sweet gesture! We should probably eat them for breakfast without further ado. Or if that proves too razor-bladed and poisoned, I also made enough breakfast to feed eleven people. For I am the best."
Hanna: "Maybe no breakfast. Maybe no school. Maybe I go back to bed until Caleb comes over for a secret snuggle."
Regina: "M is for Mona... OMG, Mona-Mona?"
Hanna: "She wants a fresh start, and I just don't know. Tell me a fucked-up story that is folksy and awesome."
"When Cousin Heshy came back, no one wanted to touch him with a ten-foot pole. Alberta's youngest, he was always a little off. But in high school, he jumped the tracks! One morning at breakfast, he served his mom and dad two bowls of rusty nails, with milk poured over 'em. And when they refused to eat, he snatched up a fistful, and just squeezed. Until blood came out."
I know I always say this, but yeah: Southern girls cannot wait to talk about shit like this. Trampoline accidents, vagina troubles, blood shooting out from anywhere and everywhere, anything that's totally gross. VC Andrews probably wouldn't exist if it weren't for Southern girls and the way their eyes light up when they're talking about the most fucked-up things you can think of. It's awesome.
Hanna, verbatim: "Sorry, how are we related to this person?"
Regina: "Not important. My point is, he came back totally fine, after just four months of what we used to call the Talking Cure. Never squeezed another handful of rusty nails until blood poured out of his fists again. Clean bill of health."
Hanna: "Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about."
Regina: "What's done is done. And when the rink gets icy..."
Hanna: "-- Too folksy! That's your time. Marin out."
Regina: "Yeah, frankly I don't know where I was going with that either. But you know what, give this girl a chance to win you back. If I were her, I'd fight to the death to have you as my friend."
Hanna: "As a simile, that's super sweet and you win Best Grandma, in addition to Best Guest Star In Perpetuity Forever. But as a possible thing that will most likely actually happen in this episode, it is terrifying."
Regina: "See you later! Don't take any wooden nickels, or squeeze any rusty nails until blood shoots out of your hands!"
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