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Mona's not back at Rosewood High for more than like first period before she ends up brandishing a knife -- attached to a cow brain, no less -- down the hallway, which is a great way to start your third life of high school. But by the time the big town marathon rolls around, she's got an It Gets Better-type video online that somehow has created a sort of cult of personality around her apparent "authenticity," which in high school -- or the '90s -- is code for "fascinatingly, dramatically and above all inauthentically fucked up." Needless to say, the Liars are conflicted about her, but strongly leaning towards hate, because that is mainly what they are about right now.
Acknowledging that they'll need some time to forgive her for brutally murdering everybody they know and putting them into constant PTSD for like no reason, Mona (if it was Mona, which I think it was) decides her first act of charity will be to blow up Aria's dad's girlfriend Meredith, who's now teaching at the school. The girls are mostly unimpressed (blowing people up is so two years ago) and then the stunt drives a further wedge between Aria and Byron -- especially after the new school janitor turns out to be in possession of Alison's diary, which contains the final proof that all that cash of Alison's came from blackmailing Byron in the first place, which confirms Dead Garrett's story and also makes Byron Suspect Uno.
Wait, new janitor? Yeah. That guy I liked so much, the one that ran Mona's motel, is now a janitor who doesn't seem to remember any of the Liars, but is obsessed with Mona and helping her adjust to life on the outside. Also helping her? Her new secret boyfriend, Spencer's (and Alison's) half-brother Jason DiLaurentis! But that's not all -- the sole surviving member of the NAT Club (Jenna's gone for the time being) is also the person who nearly killed Aria on the Terror Train, based on the gaping hole she left in his leg. Poor Spence! Jason's like the only other person she likes!
Emily spends the episode locked in her room for the most part, thanks to Dad Panic after Garrett's death and the train fiasco, not to mention her entire horrible awful life. She makes the most of things by texting and lounging around in sultry poses for a while, and then, for no reason, hacking his phone and sneaking out of the house -- to then do nothing, as far I can tell -- but it provides a counterpoint to Aria's own bizarre dad problems. Of which there are many, considering A is now putting the screws to her about Ezra's secret baby that he doesn't know about, which causes her to roam around town stirring up people's daddy issues and generally starting shit everywhere.
Hanna and Caleb finally put to rest their "secret romance" plan, realizing that it was never secret, but Hanna's honestly -- for once -- more concerned about Mona, Lucas and Mona-and-Lucas. The episode starts with Mona just appearing in her room in the middle of the night and asking for backup her first day at school, then Grandma -- BETTY BUCKLEY! RULES! -- urging first compassion (with a truly insane family story she might have made up) and, after seeing Mona's weird videos, urging total shunning because Mona is clearly still bonkers. It's nice to see Hanna trying to keep everybody's spirits up, especially with Aria going super dark these days, but you can tell it's exhausting trying to keep everybody going. In any case, she manages to get everybody through the day alive, as usual.
What else? Toby takes his shirt off a lot. That's always helpful. Oh! There's this crazy balance-of-power A-Team conversation taking place throughout the whole episode that we only ever get glimpses of: Toby tries to run over Lucas, then gets shade from Jason, who is shacked up with Mona, who has A-Team secrets with Lucas, who is avoiding Caleb and the Liars because he can't tell them about the A-Team, who seem split as far as Mona... The whole thing seems like a major power struggle we're only seeing bits of, which is really fun -- especially since you never, ever know what is going on with Toby because he is so freaky, and because who knows who the A-Team even is. Like, one of the As unhinges a random person's bicycle wheel, so the A-Tag is just some poor dude taking a header thanks to random A mayhem. Who did that? Just somebody.
So now the Liars are currently under suspicion for the death of Garrett -- whose mother I thought Hanna killed, or she just died or something, but apparently she's still kicking around -- as well as for bullying Mona, blowing up Meredith and I forget what else, and mostly they just stomp around kicking shit and yelling at each other. A very tense situation, altogether. At one point you can actually see the consternation in Aria's eyes as she refrains from telling Byron, "We only blew up one bitch! ONE! Every other girl that's gotten blown up was not us!"
Week: Somebody (named Byron, I bet!) steals the journal pages out of Aria's room, Emily trains her new killer robot house to fight Noel Kahn's killer robot house, Meredith recovers from getting blown up just in time for a showdown with Ella Montgomery, Ashley may or may not be around, Caleb's daddy issues possibly force Aria to do like one proactive goddamn thing, ever, in her life, everybody is scared of Mona some more, we learn all about wonderful Harold the Janitor and probably Pretty Little Ezra does something questionable like always.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Mona's lair was discovered at the Lost Woods Inn, where the Liars established a base and which Spencer eventually duplicated inside her own hyperreality supermatrix. After Mona lost it and went to the Radley Center For Girls Too Awesome For The Public, her accomplice was revealed: Spencer's boyfriend, Toby, whose sister Jenna's reclaimed eyesight is no longer a secret.
Before his murder, Garrett Reynolds revealed that Jenna thinks he killed Alison, which he did not, but that possibly Aria's own father was the culprit. Oh, and his girlfriend (both during the marriage and still today) is teaching at her school. But Aria's problems didn't stop there: In addition to his native sketchinesses, which are myriad, her boyfriend Ezra also has a babymama out there in the world. Emily's girlfriend Maya died, after some time as a guest in Noel Kahn's killer robot house. Hanna's boyfriend Caleb got shot, but he's fine now.
TONIGHT
A kid in an A-Team hoodie rides his or her* skateboard through the entire town of Rosewood in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, Mona appears in Hanna's bedroom, acting as usual as if her creeping is totally normal. Why? She is super stressed. About what, you ask? Well, she's a bit concerned about the social stigma of constant murder and torture and mayhem for no real reason while in the grips of an adrenalized hyperreality.
Like, how do you come back from that? Maybe the only thing she didn't think of.
Mona: "Is it a bad time?"
Hanna: "Is there ever a bad time to get roused from a deep sleep by your stalker?"
Mona: "I've been released from Radley..."
Hanna: "In the middle of the night?"
Mona: "...And my parents are forcing me back to Rosewood, which is gonna be so weird..."
Hanna: "Yeah, well. Kill a bunch of people and Dicky Greenleaf the rest of 'em..."
Mona: "It's just scary. Nobody's in my corner."
Hanna: "Are you seriously asking me to bring you on board at this point? Like you're the exchange student from Crazytown and we're all just gonna..."
Mona: "Wren said you stood up for me. Kept me here. He said you were my guardian angel."
Hanna: "First of all, that's in large part due to your cryptic kooky messages and acrostics and the fact that you are A-Team. In addition to our complicated relationship. But the other girls... I mean, shit even happened to Aria at Halloween, which is unprecedented. Emily is weaning herself off Spencer Crazy for the time being, but Aria's gearing up."
Hanna: "Have you thought about calling Jenna Marshall? You guys have a lot in common, in certain ways."
Mona: "That's kind of uncalled for. And I am taking my meds! I am on all of them, I am taking all of the meds. People can get better. I had a breakdown, that's all. Your whole character arc is about understanding that people can change. You more than anyone else know it's possible. It's not like I'm proud of who I was. See who I am now."
Hanna, verbatim: "I do see you, Mona. You're freaking me out."
Grandma Regina: "Hanna, are you talking to crazies in there?"
Hanna: "No, Grandma. Just dusting my lily or whatever. Go back to bed."
Mona: "Later. Thanks for being such a good friend!"
Hanna: "That's not what I..."
Whoosh.
A-TEAM INFIGHTING?
* It was Lucas! So the "his or her skateboard" was actually appropriate. Because he is a hermaphrodite, and because he is as beautiful as any woman.
Which makes it all the more disconcerting that Toby is chasing him through the streets, t-boning mom cars and eventually driving up onto like the steps of City Hall or something trying to kill him. Lucas cannot fucking catch a break, man.
On the other hand, props to Hanna Marin. This is the first case of vehicular homicide in Rosewood history where she's not even involved. See? People can change!
FIELDS
Text: "So yeah, Mona's now Peter Pan. You'll see her at school today, presuming she hasn't already climbed into your window which is her new thing."
Dad: "Coincidentally, I am putting alarms and bars and invisible electricity on all your windows. Also, the whole house. We live in a robot house now. I control it with my phone, which -- spoiler alert -- is exactly the same as your phone, because we're on a family plan or whatever probably."
Emily: "The thing about dealing with PTSD from constantly being put in boxes and cages and trapped both metaphorically and literally all the time is, please don't do that."
Dad: "In a way this is just your mom's way of still fucking everything up, even all the way from Texas. Remember how she moved to be with me in Texas because of my military work? Here's a helpful hint, I wear a big ARMY t-shirt in every single scene, like military guys do. They're literally all I own. The point is, your mom moved there to be with me, so of course I live here now."
Dad: "Hey, also, Hilary Reynolds called. She's so angry!"
Emily: "She must be pretty angry, considering she's dead."
Am I wrong? Didn't her ass totally die? Even if Hanna didn't kill her, which is the way I remember it, she still died, right? "Compassionate furlough"? Although it makes a certain ironic Rosewood sense, that she would wake up from her coma just in time to hear that her son had been shot to death on a Halloween Train. "What?" would be the first question, followed quickly by, "What the fuck is a Halloween Train."
Dad: "Seems she's taking on Rosewood PD, since her dead son was a cop. I know it makes no sense, but that's grief for ya."
Emily: "Or maybe if our legal system in Rosewood weren't so bizarre and nonsensical, Spencer would have a mom, and act civilized."
Dad: "Anyway, I'm going to the community meeting so she can yell at me about all kinds of things."
Emily: "Where does that comatose bitch get off?"
Dad: "I mean, from her perspective, it's like they let this innocent guy out of jail -- the latest in an unbroken chain of Rosewood scapegoats -- and then left him high and dry."
Emily: "I can't think of a single thing he ever did wrong, but I am still offended by your use of the word innocent. If we Liars don't have random hatred going for a bunch of undeserving people at all times, we'd probably die from stress."
Dad, almost verbatim: "Either way the dude is dead, so what's the point of bitching about him now?"
Dad: "Wait, do you seriously still think he killed Alison? Are you retarded? Did you not even watch the Halloween episode at all? You know what, go to school. I'm not here to be your 'parent' and talk about your 'problems.' I am only here to notify you of your evaporating civil liberties. And on that note, you will no longer be engaging in aerobic exercise or wearing sneakers. Too dangerous."
Emily: "This marathon is important! I raised $274 in pledges! That makes me a thief!"
Dad: "Don't care, I said. This is about you not going out after work. You're welcome to have Paige come over and touch your boobs, but you are never leaving this house again."
Emily: "...That's fair."
Aria, from scene: "So this is the New World Order?"
SCHOOL
Aria: "We really have to deal with Mona every day? That's the new status quo? Oh sorry, do you not know what that term means?"
Liars: "Fuck off, Aria. And yes, but Mona says she's better now, Hanna said."
Aria: "Better at what? Damn that girl. Damn her eyes."
Spencer, verbatim: "Mona had serious insight into what happened to Maya. What if she could tell us why Garrett was killed? What if she has some kind of connection to the NAT Club?"
Liars: "So basically all your things that you're obsessed with?"
Aria: "Spence, she was still sucky Mona that whole time of that Club. Glasses and braces and whatever. They wouldn't even have filmed her through her windows, like they did the rest of us hot bitches. My self-esteem comes from weird places."
Spencer: "Maybe she was spying on them in turn, like she spies on everybody at all times? She tracked down Vivian Darkbloom, too. And there's that video about Ali's death out there somewhere, and Garrett's whole story on Halloween..."
Aria: "Stop talking about my dad!"
Spencer: "...Annnnd right back around to Aria. Slick."
Aria gets very scary, though, about how hard she is repressing this latest thing. And I mean, she's worked really hard to get normal with him, true. But I think a big part of the shadow in play here is, if Byron had secrets with Alison, then that opens an entire door to a room that teenage girls spend twenty years ignoring is there. If Byron had a secret with Alison, then he could easily have many secrets with Alison. And enough of those would end the world, because we hate the people Daddy makes deals with and has secrets with -- even if we also hate Daddy, which Aria's trying real hard to avoid.
Not to mention that, way way down at the bottom even of that, it would mean Alison wins their particular, primary, most intimate game (the Cece Drake Game, the Noel Kahn Game), which was the main way she kept possession of Aria's soul when she was alive. If Alison had big enough secrets with Byron, she becomes even more the adult, and Aria -- whose entire thing is about being better than her age and peers, c.v. Ezra Fitz, c.v. flight lessons -- would be even more the child. Total Aria ego annihilation, in about ten different ways.
God, I hope it's true.
MARIN
It's definitely my Texas roots showing, but I didn't know that "hearing Betty Buckley say the words huevos rancheros" was even on my bucket list until it happened. It's like a hug under a waterfall. Amazing.
Regina: "Hey, a big basket of muffins from somebody named M. What a sweet gesture! We should probably eat them for breakfast without further ado. Or if that proves too razor-bladed and poisoned, I also made enough breakfast to feed eleven people. For I am the best."
Hanna: "Maybe no breakfast. Maybe no school. Maybe I go back to bed until Caleb comes over for a secret snuggle."
Regina: "M is for Mona... OMG, Mona-Mona?"
Hanna: "She wants a fresh start, and I just don't know. Tell me a fucked-up story that is folksy and awesome."
"When Cousin Heshy came back, no one wanted to touch him with a ten-foot pole. Alberta's youngest, he was always a little off. But in high school, he jumped the tracks! One morning at breakfast, he served his mom and dad two bowls of rusty nails, with milk poured over 'em. And when they refused to eat, he snatched up a fistful, and just squeezed. Until blood came out."
I know I always say this, but yeah: Southern girls cannot wait to talk about shit like this. Trampoline accidents, vagina troubles, blood shooting out from anywhere and everywhere, anything that's totally gross. VC Andrews probably wouldn't exist if it weren't for Southern girls and the way their eyes light up when they're talking about the most fucked-up things you can think of. It's awesome.
Hanna, verbatim: "Sorry, how are we related to this person?"
Regina: "Not important. My point is, he came back totally fine, after just four months of what we used to call the Talking Cure. Never squeezed another handful of rusty nails until blood poured out of his fists again. Clean bill of health."
Hanna: "Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about."
Regina: "What's done is done. And when the rink gets icy..."
Hanna: "-- Too folksy! That's your time. Marin out."
Regina: "Yeah, frankly I don't know where I was going with that either. But you know what, give this girl a chance to win you back. If I were her, I'd fight to the death to have you as my friend."
Hanna: "As a simile, that's super sweet and you win Best Grandma, in addition to Best Guest Star In Perpetuity Forever. But as a possible thing that will most likely actually happen in this episode, it is terrifying."
Regina: "See you later! Don't take any wooden nickels, or squeeze any rusty nails until blood shoots out of your hands!"
STILL BEFORE SCHOOL
Emily: "Those bastards can play the Familial Concern Game all day long, I'm not telling them about the lighthouse or Halloween or... If they knew a quarter of the shit that is constantly befalling us, they'd ship me off to Guam. So, house arrest."
Liars: "Ah, Hanna. Aren't you supposed to be babysitting poor widdle baby Mona?"
Hanna: "First of all, be nice. Second of all, I'm dealing with a lot of complexity here."
Emily: "We should be try to be her friend. This is like, exactly why the Founding Fathers..."
(Record scratch.)
Liars: "Whoa! Did you just turn into Season One Emily? What the fuck was that?"
Emily: "No way, I'm a hard bitch now. But if Mona knows why Garrett died, I mean... It was right after he told that story about Aria's dad..."
Spencer: "-- Nerp. Nix. Ixnay. Do not talk about that. Bitch went ham on me about that earlier."
Too late!
Aria, appearing: "What's goin' on? I heard people talking about me, so you have my attention."
Spencer: "Nothing. I was just modifying Emily's behavior a little bit."
Aria, hysterical: "Oh, so we're not talking about Byron when Aria's around? Just talking about him behind my back?"
But then she does make a valid point, A-Team/Killer blurriness notwithstanding and going back to the gender confusion about the Queen of Hearts and her man-hands: "Do you honestly think my own father would go so far as to drug me and lock me in a box with a cute corpse?"
I mean, the adorable part is that because this is a thing that has happened to Aria, it's also the only thing that has ever happened. Like sure Byron would bury Alison alive and chase Ian and Spencer around a church and fake some suicides and whatever, leave shovels around willy-nilly, even bury some Tory Burch boots in a shallow grave, but God forbid he do anything to Aria Montgomery. That's just a bridge too far. That would make him a bad guy!
Mona: "Hello, Aria."
Aria: "Ugh, don't."
Everybody: "Fuckin' Mona. Let's be super mean to her, mostly by staring."
Mona: "This is exactly what I was afraid of."
One thing this near-perfect show never does, that I really kind of wish it would, is explain what people at large actually think or know. Like, did anybody know that Ian might have killed Alison, or was it just Spencer thinking it so hard we believed everybody else did too? The only for-sure thing I can think of is Garrett, everybody blamed Garrett. And Toby for blowing up his sister, right. Jason for... Nope, I never figured out why everybody hated him. And the girls are always so paranoid about being held responsible for shit -- mostly shovel-finding, granted -- but you never get a sense of public opinion.
Maybe there's a point to be made there, though. If you think everybody's talking about you and this gives you permission to think bad things about yourself, consider the fact that maybe nobody else actually gives a shit because they're all busy worrying about the exact same thing. I know we talk about it a lot, it's not a groundbreaking concept, but it's funny to think about in this context: What if the entire town of Rosewood walks around thinking every moment of freedom is their last, because they're about to be arrested for the murder of Alison DiLaurentis? Although well, in that scenario, it's way more likely that they actually did.
LOCKER HALL
Emily: "Aria, I wasn't trying to start shit. I'm Emily."
Aria: "I know. And because you're Emily, I can admit that I am freaking out. Garrett did say those things, and that's an unknown quantity. And then, I can't deal with my other more usual storyline, because I know about Ezra's secret baby."
Emily: "Shit. You still haven't told him that?"
Aria: "I just keep flaking out! Pulling an Aria, every time."
They round the corner into a classroom, see Meredith there as the replacement teacher, and actually, physically, crab-walk backwards away from her and back out into the hallway, staring. It's one of the funniest moments, and definitely the funniest physically.
Emily: "Guess Mrs. Grizzuti had her baby."
Aria: "Ugh, stick a fork in my neck now, if this is the New World Order."
CIVICS
Yes, Virginia, they do teach other classes at Rosewood besides English Bummer Lit. They also teach a class that apparently consists of saying this one sentence about how Checks and Balances work, over and over.
Meredith: "The check-and-balance system was established so that no branch could wield absolute power over another branch..."
Aria: (Texting somebody about how Meredith is a whore.)
Meredith: "Off the phone, please. I don't know how Mrs. Grazzuti did things, but..."
Aria: "I wasn't on my phone!"
Meredith: "Then just give it to me and we won't worry about it."
(She does.)
Meredith: "The check-and-balance system was established so that no branch could wield absolute power over another branch..."
(The bell rings! Homegirl didn't even finish her sentence she started at the beginning of class!)
Meredith: "All right, kids. Your homework is to think about how the check-and-balance system was established so that no branch could wield absolute power over another branch. Write that sentence down one million times and then you can go to college. Aria, a word?"
The Liars -- Mona googling with her google-eyes all the while, taking in information about how we hate Meredith, Meredith is the enemy -- immediately form a human shield to cockblock Meredith from doing her job.
Meredith: "Look, bitches. Lotta shit went down, I get it. I had an affair with Aria's dad that led to his blackmail and helped end his marriage, and now we're fucking and he's acting like that shouldn't be weird for anybody. But this is my paycheck you're fucking with, and Civics class isn't about your teen nightmare drama. It's about how the check-and-balance system was established so that no branch could wield absolute power over another branch. Don't start none, won't be none. Got it?"
Liars: "Ugh. Got it."
Mona: "I am going to blow your ass up."
LOCKER HALL
Hanna: "Mona, wait up! Just checking in. And I couldn't leave Aria while Meredith was acting totally reasonable with her after Aria acted like a bitchy child in front of everybody, I mean, that would be an utter betrayal. But I'm here now."
Mona: "It's fine, I get it. I am sure life is real fucking hard for Aria Montgomery."
Nevertheless. Mona opens her locker to reveal... A giant knife stuck in a brain! With creepy lettering that says "TAKES ONE MAD COW TO KNOW ANOTHER!" Which is just, so awesome. I mean really, well done. (And then so as far as public opinion, I guess the story is that Mona went crazy, did some weird things to some people, and got locked up. That works.)
Hanna: "Mona, what is it? Is that a brain? Close the door. Close your locker. Keep moving."
Oh, and she does. Ol' Mona keeps it hoppin', yanking that knife down and walking all the way to the end of the hallway -- brain still on there, yep -- and dumping the brain in a trashcan. Then she stares at all the people in the hallway -- who are amazed by what is occurring, of course, and snapping photos -- and sort of waves the knife around crazily for a while before dropping that in the garbage, whispering a secret thing to Lucas, and then weirding herself out of the situation. By the way, she looks amazing. Schoolgirl chic, with a headband. At least she didn't lose that part of her amazingness.
Aria, I'll have you know, spends almost the entire episode in a Big Top Circus Ringleader jacket with black pinstripes, over a monochrome cheetah-print shirt and matching miniskirt, like a hooker would wear. It's not the most mindblowing shit she's ever pulled, but the offense you take from each separate part of the outfit is so much more than the sum of its parts. No checks, no balances. Absolute power, everywhere at once, shooting out of each and every fucked-up area of Aria just like the blood of Cousin Heshy. The difference is, Cousin Heshy got better. Aria?
Later, at the charity marathon, girlfriend will have traded out -- over an American-flag skull t-shirt, of course -- a black cardigan with shoulder pads and sequined patches over the shoulder pads, on trend with that "drum majorette" look that's so popular these days, but more importantly providing a seamless transition from "Carnival Day" to more of a "Carnival Night" look.
Meanwhile, Emily looks like a hot steaming cup of sex, as usual these days, Hanna's wearing a classic blue dress from a grownup's closet and is totally beautiful of course, and Spencer is wearing... voluminous emerald pleated old-lady pants like you would wear to cover your stilts, if you were in the Aria Circus. So, half of us are doing okay.
Liars: "Lucas! What did she say to you? What just even happened?"
As usual, Lucas gets a pass on explaining anything and just limps away, because why would Lucas -- who clearly knows everything that is going on -- ever get pressured in any way to share the information?
Oh, and then there's one of those harebrained ABC Family marketing deals where they're like, "And now a special thing we're pretending we always do, even though actually we just thought of it and it makes no sense, where we talk about two unrelated things as if they are related. You know how on this show there are characters named Caleb and Hanna? Well in a new teen movie coming out, there are also characters! So go see it! Caleb and Hanna will meet you there, at that movie!"
BATHROOM
Aria: "Wait, they have cow brains in the Bio lab?"
Spencer: "You wouldn't know because you got excused from dissection based on vegetarian grounds..."
Aria: "It wasn't vegetarian, it was humanitarian."
Spencer: "It wasn't humanitarian, it was special snowflake disease, and also, are you still going to be a bitch to me?"
Aria, verbatim and to her credit: "...Possibly."
Emily: "Wait, so it wasn't there before first period and the only person that knows we didn't do it was Meredith, who was holding us hostage? Great, see you in jail!"
Couple things. Number one, fuckin' jail? It's not like you found a shovel, it was just a brain. There is not a huge problem with just a brain. And second of all, why would anybody think you did that? Because she stalked and tried to murder you? Granted, that's compelling, but also: Everybody in Civics class saw you in class, learning about the checks and balances. And Mona was with you the entire time. So even if brain-leaving were a jailable offense, you idiot, you'd still need Mona to press charges. I just don't...
Aria, reflecting: "Gotta say though, Mona's a lot stronger than me. I would've lost it. I feel sorry for her."
Everybody: "Me too. Brains."
Spencer: "Shut the fuck up, you feel sorry for her. Hanna's not even here to cosign that bullshit. Pull your ass together."
Liars: "Yes ma'am."
I feel like there was more, but that's when Mona comes in with this incredibly funny, goony look on her face. I get what she's portraying, but it's hilarious to see. And can I just say that a knife in a brain is nothing after that time A sent Emily that necklace of Alison's corpse's teeth. I want you to think about that, all the time. Especially when shit like this goes down: At the very least it was not a message written on human teeth.
Liars: "You know we didn't do that, right?"
Mona: "Of course not! After everything I've done for you?"
Emily: "The fuck?"
Mona: "I helped you figure out who killed your girlfriend. Which saved another girlfriend from getting killed by the same dude, and also you. The only person I didn't save was Caleb (as usual), and even he got better immediately."
Liars: "We are trying very hard to figure out a reason to shit on that! But you think too fast because of your hyperreality!"
Mona: "Look. There's still bad blood between us. I know that I have to earn your trust, and prove that I'm worthy. And I will. (Using explosions!) You'll see, I'm better now."
She bounces, and they all just shiver and feel a multitude of freakouts. Where's your checks and balances now?
OUTSIDE
Caleb: "Hanna, why are you talking to me in public?"
Hanna: "Oh, that storyline never really worked anyway thanks to the omniscience of our puppetmaster. So fuck it. If your mom dies, she dies. I don't care anymore."
Caleb: "I wish that I had seen the Brain Incident. I still hate Mona, so the rest of your don't have to."
Hanna: "That's what a good boyfriend does, even though inevitably it bites you in the ass when you try to do it. But also, I have other questions. And an agenda."
Caleb: "Cut to it, then."
Hanna: "Possibly Mona Brained herself. But also, she whispered a thing to Lucas. Who is limping around, also, and is known for a fact to be on the A-Team, albeit in a no-fault capacity. Which makes me wonder, was he the person Aria stabbed through the leg on the Halloween Train?"
Caleb: "As a person who was shot through the abdomen a hot minute before getting on the Halloween Train fully healed, I can tell you that doesn't fly."
Hanna: "Yeah but it was a rusty screwdriver, maybe it didn't heal."
Caleb: "What is with you Marins and your lockjaw obsession?"
EMILY
Emily: "Dad, you need to get Mom off my tits. Seriously, I cannot be answering her calls every hour to confirm I have not yet been murdered. I have classes. And also, I'm not coming home after school because I have work. Do you believe in work? Honest pay? Yes you do. So drop that noise right now."
Then she spots my guy! Creepy Harold from the Lost Woods Resort, now working as a janitor at the school! Yay, I'm so glad he's back. Emily, not so much. Harold, though, Harold doesn't seem to recognize her at all. Plus, he's very focused on having weird conversations with Mona. They advance a theory later on that seems pretty valid to me, which is that Harold and Mona spent a lot of time together when she was A and her Lair existed at that motel (rather than its two exact duplicates in Spencer's Matrix and now "Room A"), and maybe he got obsessed with her because she's awesome, so he's undercover now to stalk and/or help her out in the hostile environment of high school. That works for me. If I had a Harold of my own I certainly would take him everywhere I went, because he is great.
LUNCH
Toby is wearing a Hunger Games windbreaker, which somehow manages to make him look even more insane than usual. Spencer plays with his lovely hair and generally girlfriends out on him, which I guess is a good enough release after a long morning of being Spencer Hastings.
Toby: "So we're going running after school, that should be fun since we're both so intense."
Spencer: "How come you didn't call me last night?"
Toby: "Too busy running over Lucas. Also I fell asleep."
Spencer: "Hey, can I ask you about something touchy?"
Toby: "Go for it. Unless it's about my onetime friendship with Emily, which never happened."
Spencer: "Okay, do you think Jenna left the school/the show because she thought she was going to be the NAT Clubber to get whacked? I mean, Jason's the only one left now."
Toby, weirdly: "Why are you so obsessed with this shit? Just because this group was tasked with taping your nudest moments, and connected with your sister and everybody we know, and connected to several plots to murder you and your friends, and also all of them are dying, and one of them is your brother? I mean, fucking hell!"
Spencer: "All of those things, actually. And also, we still don't know who killed Garrett. Or the gun that was used."
Toby: "I feel like you're not hearing me when I say I demand that you stop thinking about this. About your life that is in danger. I didn't kill Ian for you just to be repaid in this way."
Mutely, Spencer points to Mona, who is cozying up to Jason DiLaurentis right there in public, right there in front of God and everybody. It looks like outcast-bonding, but if you looked really close and watched for awhile you might see more about their relationship, which would in turn be really helpful and very scary. But Spencer is not one for subtlety.
Spencer, deadpan: "He's basically hugging a hand grenade."
You know who else is going to be hugging a Mona Mortar pretty soon? Meredith. Just pointing out that Spencer is very close to figuring some major Season 3B shit out right now, like two very important things, and she doesn't even know it. That's just how good/bad she is at this.
INTO THE SCHOOL BASEMENT!
Emily: "I mean, he was de-braining Mona's locker for her, and then he just looks right through me! It was awful."
Liars: "I dunno, shit. Maybe he has an evil twin, like everybody else on this show that we're not allowed to talk about because it's funny to still pretend it's a spoiler."
There's scary country music coming from the janitor's office, where Harold's writing in the diary from the Lost Woods Lair... which is not the only thing he has from there. The whole place is decked, up to and including the Baby Zombie Mask, with A paraphernalia. Looks like the simulacra are multiplying! Soon we will all live in the Lair. Look over there, perhaps it is happening already, check out your environment, check it out: Have you been sketching Black Swan dresses with your idle hands, without knowing it? Zombie Baby Burlap troubles in the corner? Mouth taste like you've been chewing spooky gum, but to your knowledge you have no spooky gum to chew? Harold gets it. He gets it.
FITZSTANKONIA
Ezra: "Here's a necklace or something."
Aria: "Jesus Christ we're interesting."
Liars, via text: "Shit is happening, come help us by not doing anything. Like always."
Aria: "Yeah, this fascinating conversation is gonna have to wait."
Ezra: "I support you running this marathon."
Aria: "I have found a way to have a problem with that. Anyway, I have to go. My mom is not taking this Meredith thing well and I have to go watch her drink wine, since Ashley's out of town."
Outside Ezra's door is a cookie bouquet from A. The balloons say, "IT'S A BOY!" and there's a card that's like, "Just as Ezra's lovely tiny little birch-sapling body helped produce a baby, which is already absolutely unbelievable, so too will your lies grow and grow and take over your existence and eventually cause you to cut all your hair off and drive a mom car and substitute chocolate for sex. Love, A."
Aria: "You know, when I first started fucking adults in pub bathrooms, this is not the kind of high school baby problem I was hoping for. But I can work with this."
END OF THE JOG
Toby: "I love running with you! I like to pretend that I'm chasing you and I'm going to kill you."
Spencer: "Huh?"
Toby: "Nothing! Better take off my shirt here in the middle of the street."
Jason & Toby: Vibe at each other all over the place, for some reason nobody can yet say what it is. Jason wins, which is fucking amazing considering Toby has no shirt on.
Spencer: "Hey Jason, nice to see you over here, just being my brother and dealing with the dead body of your sister that we found on a train. Listen, stop hugging Mona, okay? Because I mean, you know how I'm super paranoid and hate everybody and all I think about is people I'm going to fuck up and how I'm gonna do it?"
Jason: "Yeah, I'm Jason DiLaurentis. I'm familiar with that."
Spencer: "Well, Mona is the new one. So stay away from that bitch. I'm about to get even more intense, hang on. So I don't know if you noticed this, but Ian and Garrett are both dead, and Jenna's AWOL. Mona has no connection to any of that. You see what I'm saying?"
Jason: "...No? But yes, in general I get your drift..."
Toby: "-- I'm a creepy drifter! Also, what is our relationship to each other?"
Jason: "Who can say?"
Spencer: "Toby, shut up and listen to this scary conversation. Jason, are you aware that Mona once tried to kill him by unscrewing a piece of scaffolding?"
Jason: "That's not actually that impressive, sis."
Spencer, verbatim: "She cannot be trusted."
Jason: "Again, I am Jason DiLaurentis. I have been there. As has Toby. The fact that Toby, Mona and myself are all super creepsters, or that I have a peculiar and secret financial arrangement with Ezra Fitz is not at issue here. What I'm saying is, let's not judge."
Spencer: "Judge? The bitch tried to drive me off a cliff. Literal. A Literal Cliff."
Jason: "I hear she is on a shitload of meds now, though. Plus I am secretly doing her. Plus I am on the A-Team, just like everybody else you know. Plus, Spencer, your life is absolutely going to crush you sometime soon."
THE BREW? CENTRAL PERK? I FORGET
Aria: "Hanna, did you ever mention Ezra's baby to Mona?"
Hanna: "Yeah, we mostly just sat around talking about you all the fuckin' time."
Emily: "Not to mention that janitor that I keep talking about even though nobody cares. Who doesn't recognize us, even though he was totally nice that time."
Liars: "I bet they were friends. Maybe they taxidermied together. Or murdered."
Caleb: "Hey guys, it's me and my hair. Lucas still won't talk to me, but I did hack into the school computer and get a transcript of the meeting Mona's parents had with our principal..."
Reality: "A thing that would obviously exist, yes."
Caleb: "And look on page two, where it says Mona was the one begging to come back to Rosewood, contrary to her report."
Liars: "Wait, are you saying Mona's not trustworthy?"
Reality: "There are so many ways this information could have come to light, did you really have to cook up this bizarre transcript thing?"
Liars: "Anyway, guess this means nothing we didn't already know."
Hanna: "Wellllll maybe we could be nice to her, too."
Aria: "Yeah, until she tells Ezra that he has a child, which doesn't actually affect me in any way. That's how that bitch'll repay us."
Hanna: "Homegirl! Just tell him! What is wrong with you?"
Aria: "Everything. Just about everything is wrong with me. Look at how I'm dressed. I am powerless to care for myself in even basic ways."
Hanna: "Caleb never knew his dad, and that turned him into a homeless werewolf that lives in the walls of other people's houses and of public buildings. So think about that."
HOT TUB SLIMEBALL MACHINE
Spencer and Toby and a massage in a hot tub. I kind of don't want to talk about it. With the exception of Spencer, that is a fairly comprehensive list of things that skeeve me out.
Toby: "What are you stewing about? In this hot tub, notably, which is itself like stewing in your own juices and the juices of your friends, family, and more than likely strangers."
Spencer: "But like, Jason's great, and even smart occasionally..."
Toby: "-- Ugh. Shut up about Jason. Seriously."
Spencer: "I just feel like his whole family is dead, or drunk, or my dad. And then there's me, the only person who has his back..."
Toby: "Like the shit you're working with is so stable and safe? Name one normal thing in your entire life. Entire day, name one thing that was normal and/or unterrifying."
(Random rustling and the sound of knife-wielding, out in the wilderness.)
Spencer: "...I cannot. I'm going inside. Put on a shirt or don't put on a shirt, I don't really give a damn at this point. But this 'romantic' hot tub date is over."
ARIA BDRM
Aria: "Mike went somewhere to study, so it's just me in here."
Byron: "Two questions. One, who is this 'Mike' you speak of, and Two, tell me everything about my girlfriend's first day as a teacher!"
Aria: "I bet that bitch told you everything."
Byron: "She said you and your friends were 'cautiously welcoming.' Which I thought was odd, because both of those words, singly and together, are the precise opposite of you and your friends."
Byron: "I guess I was worried, because teenage girls are such assholes."
Aria: "Oh, that reminds me. Did you hate my best friend? Maybe enough to bury her alive in her own yard, or..."
Byron: "Nnnnnno? I'm gonna say no. What a weird question?"
Aria: "Okay, did you think she was cool?"
Byron: "I dunno. Teenagers. They're basically all the same."
Aria: "So you didn't have a special relationship or arrangement of any kind? No late-night fights with cops secretly watching?"
Byron: "...You must really miss her, huh. That's probably where this is coming from. Certainly not because you are figuring out that I murdered the shit out of her."
Aria: "Yeah, I miss her. I also miss trusting my Daddy."
Byron: "You lost that well before the show even started, dude. Do you not remember the entire year before Alison even died? Which was like three years ago?"
MARIN
"Ever since I was little, and all through junior high, I was considered a loser. I was humiliated, picked on, and tortured. And as hard as all that misery and torture was..."
Regina: "Wait, this bitch is sending this video to people?"
Hanna: "To all the people. She has gone viral."
Regina: "I take back everything I said. Drop her like a sack of nuts."
"Before you turn this off, or throw something at the screen, please just hear me out. I've been in Radley for over seven months now. And I want to tell you about what I..."
Lucas: "I heard James Purefoy is going to play her in the TV series about the cult she's starting."
Hanna: "Oh my God, I'm so happy to see you! You're so neat and beautiful and smart and such a good friend to me and Caleb..."
Lucas: "I can't hang out. I just brought the last of that money I stole from Caleb about a million years ago."
Hanna: "Nice limp, limpy! Somebody stab you in that leg, maybe?"
Lucas: "Toby tried to run me over for no reason, no big deal. A-Team stuff. Can't talk about it."
Hanna: "Oh, of course. Of course you can't, it would be rude of me to ask. I won't even bother asking about Mona, even though we know for a fact you were a huge part of all that."
Lucas: "All I can tell you is that she was sneaking out of the hospital regularly. But probably I actually should not have told you that. And I should go."
Hanna: "Damn it, but you're so awesome. Fine. I miss you, though."
Lucas: "I miss you too."
Jacob: "I MISS YOU TOO."
"I know that you ultimately have to own up. Own up to what you've done, and what's been done to you, and then you have to learn to forgive..."
MARATHON
Caleb and Aria just roll their eyes as Mona's million fans crowd her. Aria's wearing the aforementioned flag-skull-sequin-shoulderpad outfit, though, so I don't know where the hell she gets off. Anyway, everybody is there, ready to run this marathon for a charity. What charity? Who cares, why bother us with that information, why load us down with some irrelevant shit like that. Do you know what show you're watching? Emily raised $247, I know that, but that's all I know. I slow-mo'd the whole thing and no. Never found an indication of why any of this is happening at all. What charity would they be running for in Rosewood anyway?
...I can't think of a joke that wouldn't make me look terrible. Rosewood is a terrible place, terrible things happen there. To ladies. Emily has raised $247 to help people stop doing terrible things to ladies. People For The Ethical Treatment of Pain Cremes. Hyperadrenalized Protoreality Anonymous. Shovelfinder Justice. Maybe they're raising money to teach more than one subject at their school. You know what was awesome, remember when they spent weeks rehearsing for a play that they never performed? Or mentioned ever again?
Meredith: "Thanks for all your help, extras! I'm going to go get more water bottles. Hydration is so important!"
Mona: "The nerve! I better blow her up in a minute. That'll prove to those Liars that I am totally not crazy."
HEY ARIA C'MERE & RUIN MY DAY REAL QUICK
Aria: "Ever wonder what your life would be like if you had a dad?"
Caleb: "Lot less trucker dicks, for starters."
Aria: "Anyway, do you feel horrible yet?"
Caleb: "Yeah, you really stirred up some shit."
Aria: "Then my job here is done."
Caleb: "Did we really just have a conversation about something other than you?"
Aria: "No. I pulled such an Aria on you just now that we were actually double talking about me. First because of Ezra's bastard, which is all about me, and second because my father himself is at the least a fraud, if not a murderer, which basically makes me just like you... in my bullshitty entitled mind, anyway."
MARATHON
Some Lady: "Welcome to the marathon for whatever reason."
Regina: "Did you want me to sing the national anthem?"
(Sure, why not. I mean technically, no, but okay.)
Liars: "You know Harold's room that we totally could have just walked into earlier if we felt like it, except he was in there listening to music? Let's make up an elaborate plan utilizing this marathon and the cover of darkness to go ahead and walk into that room when he's not in it. If only Emily were here to join us in this simple plan to go down some stairs into the janitor's closet. If only she could escape Fort Fields, the robot house that runs on an app."
Liars: "Wait, why is your grandmother singing?"
Hanna: "Because she's fucking awesome? Oh, and I totally forgot to tell you guys this, but Mona was on the Halloween Train that night, and has been breaking out of the mental institution on the reg. I coulda led with that, I guess."
Regina: Busts into the second verse, which apparently exists. Or else she's just freestylin' it, which I would also buy. If only I had learned about this song in my Civics class, but no. That was not on the syllabus.
FT FIELDS
Dad: "I don't see you being a prisoner in your own home for too much longer. I mean, how many people could possibly be involved in the vast conspiracy to destroy you utterly from the inside out, and also the outside in?"
Emily: "I mean, I'm pissed about this? In one way. But also, I'm still kind of dealing with the fact that I killed a dude. Remember that? So yeah, the quiet time is an unexpected balm, in some ways."
Then she flips out into some kinda heretofore unknown Zero Cool hacker personality and switches phones with her dad, to gain the power -- the power of the robot house app -- so that she can sneak out of her window. To go walk down some stairs with some girls, and violate the privacy of a disabled school janitor. Don't wanna miss that.
FOUND WOODS
Liars: "Emily, how did you get here?"
Emily: "Robot house, phone switch, whatever. Long story."
Spencer: "Step aside so I can flawlessly pick this lock on this poor guy's janitor closet and get all up in his sad shit in the late afternoon."
Liars: "Hey, here's that book he was writing in... Oh look, it's a thousand-page letter, in super scary crazy person writing, to Mona, about Christ knows what. And this is all happening in the back of Alison's diary, which I guess he thinks is Mona's diary."
Okay, that's legit fucked up. Not like "psychic inbred kid in the doll shoppe" fucked up, not "necklace of human teeth" fucked up, but that's pretty good. That's pretty freshly weird... Oh wait, it's not some Nabokovian thing about them all, including Mona and Harold, being merely the postscript of Alison's life? Or that the ceaseless revelations and obfuscations of Alison's death and constant rebirth have become and continue to become nothing so much as a palimpsest of repeated and reiterated desire and repulsion and self-annihilation? We're watching PLL, I mean, so clearly it's actually just a way for them to flip to a random page and on that page is almost certainly going to be Alison's awful teenage bubble-cursive talking coincidentally about how Byron probably killed her. Still very cool.
Liars: "Flip to a random page. Okay, there it is. A flashback about how Byron probably killed her. Bad luck, Aria."
The only thing I noticed in the actual writing was Alison bragging about how Byron was just a little bunny whom she was blackmailing, and this particular day was hoping to squeeze just and I quote a "little sumpin' sumpin'" more. I love Alison DiLaurentis, sure, but seeing those words in her dumb handwriting made me want to smack her. What a little asshole.
SUMPIN' LIKE A FLASHBACK
Ali: "Department Chair! Congrats. Now, how about a little sumpin' sumpin'."
Byron: "I have no more money for your extortions. I am tapped. Dry. And I also stopped fucking Meredith like months ago."
Ali: "Yeah, I'm sure Ella wouldn't mind then."
Byron: "If I give you more money, she'll notice!"
Ali: "Then use your big stupid brain to figure sumpin' sumpin' out. I got all the time in the world. I'll be back from Hilton Head by Labor Day, flying a private plane like most teenagers probably could, if they tried."
Byron actually scares her, with his vibes and grabbing, which is impressive considering the only other person who ever scared her was Paige McCullers, Actual Psycho. Not even wild-eyed Mona, not even getting texts from A -- her own frigging ghost -- seemed to freak her out, but those two? Hmm.
FOUND WOODS
Aria: "Well, now that it's actually about me for once, I am at a loss."
Spencer: "Emily, put this diary in your jacket. We can read it later, or maybe burn it."
Emily: "Maybe we should just respect this dude's privacy?"
Spencer: "Maybe you should respect the chain of authority."
Aria: "Maybe both. I'll just rip out the pages willy-nilly, in a jagged crazy way that would tip even Harold off to what we just did."
Harold: "Who are you and why are you here?"
Spencer: "See, that stings. I can get why you'd forget Emily, but I had a whole conversation with you. I thought we bonded."
Harold snatches the pages out of Aria's hands like he knows they are important, and then they all stand around being scared for no reason. Toby shows up, says like three words, and they all run away like he saved them. From this guy that is just standing there. Aria manages to make snatching those pages back seem like a brutal assault somehow; I think it's the feral fuck-you glare in her eyes as she does it. It's frankly chilling.
Liars: "Oh my God, Toby. Thanks for walking down that short flight of stairs into a situation that was not dangerous in any way except we're all being huge drama queens."
Or maybe "Stealing Journal Pages From A Journal Which Was Itself Stolen By A Janitor" is one of those heavy Rosewood crimes that'll get you the electric chair. Like "Aggravated Finding A Hole," or "Second Degree Leaving Brains Around."
Anyway, moving on, because the second they get outside, Meredith explodes.
FT FIELDS
Dad: "No, I hadn't heard because my daughter's phone somehow ended up in my jacket pocket. Thanks for telling me."
Emily: "Was that the Army t-shirt store, calling to tell you they have more Army t-shirts available?"
Dad: "No, your Civics teacher blew up."
Emily: "Meredith blew up?"
Dad: "You call her by her first name? How terrifying. These kids today. Anarchists."
Emily: "You're worried that I call the woman by her first name? The woman somebody, probably a student, just blew up."
For a moment, Daddy Fields thinks about squeezing a handful of rusty nails until blood goes everywhere. This is why the federal system of checks and balances was created, man. Then he says this amazing little sumpin' sumpin':
"Maybe we should stop fighting about why I won't let you out, and start talking about why you're not letting me in."
Who was it, do you think, that first made the electric connection from puns to parenting? Oprah has those sayings that I use so often in real life, like how we teach people how to treat us, or when somebody shows you who they are, you should believe them. Not puns, though. Suze Orman is often pithy, and I am deeply in love with her, but not so much with the wordplay. Was it Dr. Phil? Because fuck that guy anyway. But I feel like this is not the first time that a parent has said to a child on TV one of these Suessian riddles for no reason. "How about instead of asking if you can drive the car, you ask me if the car can drive you, huh?" Heh, maybe Ashley did that.
Dad: "I know that I am having trouble grasping the enormity of your problems, Emmy. But I do know what it's like to lose somebody. Because of being in the Army."
Emily: "Yeah? How bad has a massage ever gotten for you? Have you ever been poisoned via prescription pain cream, or given a necklace made of human teeth? Do you know what it's like to be nearly drowned and then later sexually assaulted by the person you're still dating because they are the only option? Do you know what it's like to find yourself held hostage in both a cabin and a lighthouse on the same night by a cousin impersonator, who bind-torture-kills all your girlfriends? Do you know what it's like to kill that dude? How about dating Maya St. Germain, the worst person of all time, do you know what that's like? Have you ever found yourself trapped in a killer robot house with only your running shoes as a weapon? Have you ever been on a Halloween Train, a thing that is real? Did you ever accidentally roofie yourself and get driven around town and through entire other time periods, by a time-traveling blind girl? Or gotten punched in the boob by moonlight in a greenhouse, or forced to watch a sex tape in a cemetery of the dead girl you were in love with? Have you ever been tricked by a talking doll into inhaling carbon monoxide, only to be arrested for finding a shovel the second you return to consciousness? Because I have. Don't tell me my business, mister."
Dad: "I don't wanna be your gatekeeper, Emma. I wanna be your dad."
Emily: "First of all my name is Emily."
MARIN
Hanna is still watching that Mona tape. Remember how Emily kept watching the Maya tape even though it was soo boring and Maya is soo awful? Like that. Finally Regina shuts the laptop and tells her to go to bed. You're not gonna solve the Mona problem tonight, baby girl. She's right. Save it for the morrow. Presuming Mona doesn't wake you up with a sudden knife attack, or makeover, or by doing spider-fingers on your elbow once you've fallen asleep, of course.
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "How's Meredith? Dead, I hope."
Byron: "She's fine. Everybody in this town has gotten blown up a few times. I offered to let her stay the night..."
Aria: "Really? That's fucking awful of you."
Byron: "But she said she didn't want to. Then she told me what really happened in Civics class, how you lied about using your phone for a second and then meekly handed it over and generally were about five times nicer than you needed to be. And let me tell you I am livid."
Aria: "Well, when are you not."
Byron: "Meredith and I think that probably you blew her up. Or if not you, at least that head case Spencer Hastings."
Aria: "Jesus Christ. You blind ONE FUCKING GIRL and it's all..."
Byron: "Aria, tell me the truth. Did you explode my girlfriend?"
Aria: "See, the thing is that if I did, I would tell you. That would be the point."
Byron: "Our secrets, Aria, come back to haunt us."
Aria: "What about your fuckin' secrets, wiseguy? How about you get your shit together before hoppin' back on that old parenting bicycle? Get the hell out of my room, and you better fucking shut the door."
Because he is absolutely the hugest piece of butt in the world, Byron does not shut the door on the way out. Which, in all its passive-aggressive, weiner-headed glory, is kind of the most Byron thing Byron has ever done. "Blow up my girlfriend, willya. Just see if I politely shut your bedroom door as requested. We'll just fucking see about that. This is the New World Order."
DILAURENTIS
Jason chills on his porch, watching bugs get pulled into the blue light of the zapper, which we're meant to think for the moment is a metaphor for Spencer's sisterly concern: Don't get pulled into Mona's cult like everybody else, or you'll end up like Noel Kahn. Perfect in absolutely every way that exists, and having constant, consequence-free, mind-bending sex with a girl whose self-esteem is so low it turned her into a literal supervillain.
Jason: "Spencer! Heard I missed seeing a teacher explode."
Spencer: "And yet Mona got away scot-free. Again."
Jason: "I would never shut you down rudely like Toby does, but I will look disappointed. Like Toby always does, but that's just his face so it doesn't count."
Spencer: "Just saying."
Jason: "No, I hear you. This is one mosquito that won't be flying into the vaporizing electric field of Mona Vanderwaal."
Aria: "Spencer, I found this note that goes, Dear Meredith, go look in that potting shed where I have rigged up an explosive device to destroy you. Love, A. Do you think it means anything?"
Spencer: "I think it means A set us up."
Aria: "Do you? Can you possibly illuminate in more detail why you think that?"
Spencer: "No, and I will also advance a competing but not mutually exclusive theory that this was Mona's way of making friends with us."
Aria: "So... Wait, what?"
Spencer: "Your voice is weird. You sound like you're having mondo daddy issues."
Aria: "Differentiating today from literally any other day how?"
THE A-TAG THIS WEEK
Is bizarrely non-sequitur, so I'm adding the thing that happens to it, to make it more lively. And it is a doozy! Because guess who was at Jason's house the whole time he was talking to his half-sister? Oh, his girlfriend MONA. And what's she doing now that Spencer's gone? Oh, bandaging his infected wound from the time Aria stabbed him in the abdomen. Yeah. Jason's bad, I think. Or he's taking Hanna's "sometimes you have to love the bad guy" deal to an awesomely freaky sex place, in which case I am on his side. Honestly I just can't imagine... It's like this:
You: "Hey, who's that hot girl?"
Dude: "That's Mona Vanderwaal, a bottomless pit of emotional need who can be manipulated into literally anything by just the hint of possible affection."
You: "Interesting, interesting. What's the downside?"
Dude: "She's a sociopathic supergenius who has ninja powers due to living in an adrenalized hyperreality that makes us all her puppets. She's kind of like a cross between Neo and the all-seeing God of Abraham, but with an amazing body and a great singing voice."
You: "No I said what's the downside."
You know what I mean? Anyway, in the real A-Tag one of the A-Team (guessing Toby, not sure why except so far he seems like he's just kinda going buckwild) unratchets some dude's front bicycle wheel, so that he gets a few yards and then goes sailing over the handlebars and onto his face. Which is a shitty thing to do, no doubt, but also I don't know what the point was. Like the time the entire A-Tag was A trying to calculate the tip on her bartab and then it was like, "Oh, she's in an airport flying to Phoenix to kill Caleb's mom, I get it now." Or remember when the A-Tag was like, "Did we mention that A has a room full of caged white rats, each named after a different person on this show, and sometimes she stabs them and rubs their blood on lacrosse sticks, did we mention that? No? Sorry, that's a thing that happens sometimes. So now you know."
WEEK
Mock UN? Something with a long desk and flattering lighting. And Paige and Emily go camping, because it was just a matter of time. Wearing flannel, talkin' about the three branches of government. And Mona's like astonished when Hanna surmises that her crazy ass is still crazy and still doing A-Team activities, because that's so far out of the realm of possibility. It's not like her first episode back she managed to wave a knife around crazily in front of the entire student body, release a Chris Crocker video in which she is both the Chrissie and the Britney at the same time, bring an undead janitor and small business owner to school as her own pet slash valet, and then end her first week back at school by exploding the only teacher that seems to work there right now. I mean, why would you think she is up to something? It's rude, it's just rude is what it is.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.