Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Leftover Pie
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 7 | Aired on 02.06.2007
Speaking of Paula, another gay Latin boy who's in love with her! Alexander Nazzario definitely isn't in love with Paula "that way," he's just inspired by her inspirational inspiration. He introduces himself while doing a headstand, which I think is part of what Paula says is Alexander's niche: "weird movements with [his] body." Once again, it's been proven that you can win American Idol with that as your major selling point, so we all know who to blame for this. Alexander is a dancer by trade, you can tell, and he likely only showed up here (in Memphis) to meet Paula. He declares his intention to sing Air Supply's "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All," which at first grabs my attention and then makes me sad. Because Alexander seems like an okay guy, but now I'm going to hate him. Because the things he does to that song should not be done to any song, much less the second greatest over-dramatic cheesy power ballad of the 1980s. ("Total Eclipse of the Heart" reigns supreme, even though it's been posited several times that they're essentially the same song.) Alexander's falsetto knows just how to whisper and it knows just how to make me cry, because I am in pain. This hurts my ears and my soul and everything else in between. Stop this right now!
Paula compliments his many splits and ballet flourishes. Simon decides to make a point, using Randy. He asks what Randy would say to Alexander if he came looking for singing advice. Randy says he'd suggest singing in "some theme parks." The "some" suggests off-brand theme parks like Marineland or Diznee's South Dakotan Adventure or something. Simon says the reality is that Alexander is maybe a good dancer, but he's not a good singer and will never be a good singer, so this is reality-check time. Paula tries to comfort him, but Alexander asks again, point blank: "Do I have the voice to sing?" Simon says, firmly but not unkindly, "Honestly, no." The judges can tell Alexander's a sweetheart, so they're all very nice as they vote "no," and then Paula gives him a hug. He taps Simon on the shoulder and I'm pretty sure he thanks him for the honesty, which is incredibly cool. And then just as he's about to walk out the door, Randy calls him back for a handshake of his own. That's seriously the best way I've ever seen a bad audition go. Even Alexander Other Dooring himself just comes across as sweetly endearing. What? It can't all just be making fun of retards on this show.
Lesson 6: Clarity. This is the one about not singing like a mushmouth. A glitzy-yet-cheap graphic that says "Name That Song" appears, and we have to try and guess what song some of these wannabes are singing. There's a fake 555 phone number at the bottom of the screen, where we can "call in" and "guess," though the too-cute speedy disclaimer voice is all, "Not really! Just a joke!" This is what happens sometimes when you're watching TV programmed for dumb people. First up is a screamy beanpole in sunglasses singing "Let's Stay Together." It's awful, but not unintelligible, so I don't know why it's included in this segment. Then a frumpy substitute-teacher-looking girl, singing something much less recognizable. It's captioned as "Annie's 'Song.'" Then we get what we came here for, another glimpse at Sandie Chavez of "Kenny Rogers and a leftover pie" fame from last night in San Antonio. She may very well be singing "Black Velvet" for all we can tell. Probably not, though. Something about "ain't nothing loose but a goose." The caption is actually helpful here, telling us it's "Chantilly Lace...Seriously!" Heh.