Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Leftover Pie
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 7 | Aired on 02.06.2007
Inside, Simon's already tired of them and asks who's going to go first. Heather starts off, and is clearly not at the level she needs to be to proceed. Simon's ready to throw the three of them out as he calls for Ashley to sing next. She sings Sarah McLachlan's "Angel," boringly, but better than Heather. They're like the three little pigs: Heather's voice was made of straw, and Ashley's is made of sticks. Who's got the brick house? Well, that would be Ebony, who already has Whitney Houston's mid-'80s hair, so it's not a huge surprise that she sings a Whitney song: "I Believe in You and Me." Ebony is very, very good. A little goaty in the Christina Christian vein, but I loved Christina Christian, so that's not going to bother me. Simon sits right up in his chair and says Ebony can "sing the phone book" and that she's clearly in a different league than the other two. Randy confirms that the three of them are friends, which makes Simon giddy, because he loves this kind of thing, pitting friends against each other. He basically says that the other two belong in roller-skates showing their asses to drive-thru perverts while Ebony is a bona fide star in the making.
Heather gets unanimous "no" votes. Randy and Olivia Newton-John say "yes" to Ashley. So does Paula, though she prefaces it by telling her she's a pretty enough girl without the plastered-on pancake makeup. Simon makes "meow" noises and has some fun with Paula being the bitchy one for once, but Paula insists she's being helpful. "My motherly advice," Ashley offers, about halfway to rolling her eyes, which is about what the comment deserves. It takes a second for it to register, but Paula and Randy eventually start cracking up. It seems like there's an inside joke at play that we're not entirely privy to, though I can probably guess that Paula had objected to being called "motherly" earlier on. Paula repeats the comment to Olivia, and they both lose it. Simon smiles large and says, admiringly, "That was a nice retaliation." Ashley's all, "No, no! I didn't mean it like that!" It's all in good fun, though, which is nice to see, and Ashley makes it through to Hollywood. As does Ebony, who I figure has "finalist" stamped on her almost-visible ass, an impression that's only enhanced as we hear the judges go on and on about her after she leaves. Not to mention Ryan's VO going, "Two girls through, but one real star." Okay! We get it.
We return from commercial to Kelly Clarkson singing her coronation song from Season One. Ryan's VO rattles off all five winners' singles and mentions how they all went on to "huge success." Heeee hee hee. Ryan's voice-over is funny. He tells us that this year, instead of the season's winner having to sing some cobbled-together-in-committee sub-Diane Warren schmaltzy ballad, the Idol producers are holding a songwriting contest, so the viewers at home can come up with their own sub-Diane Warren schmaltzy ballads. Seriously, we already know the kinds of songs this show is partial to. I don't know what they think opening things up to the public is going to do. We're still going to end up with some approximation of "Flying on the Proud Wings of Heaven" anyway. Ryan's VO also doesn't mention that this entire gambit is essentially Nigel Lythgoe's way of making Randy Jackson shut the fuck up with the song critiques at the season finale like he always does. Again, I'm not sure that holding a contest is going to make Randy any better at finding a new thing to say, but I'm not the producer of the highest-rated show on TV, so what do I know? So get your entries in now, America! Soon you could find your work getting unfavorably compared to "A Moment Like This"!