Episode Report Card Joe R: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Leftover Pie
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 7 | Aired on 02.06.2007
Staying on the songwriting tip, we get a selection of original song choices in the auditions, including a Tori-Amos-by-way-of-Sarah-Brightman abomination, and some pop-'n'-lock beatboxing by a skinny white boy named Brandon Reid. You're no longer invited to the reunion, guy. Ryan says the oddest original composition may have come from "Holly-weird" (ugh) itself: meet W.E.S. W.E.S. looks like an alien cult leader, for starters, from the giant gleaming bald head, to the billowy electric-tangerine blouse, to the disturbingly soothing tones of his voice, designed to lure you into his web of spaceships and plural marriage. The creepy pan flute in the background ain't helping much either, so just cut it out, Zamfir. His name, William Emil Samland, has been shortened to the acronym W.E.S. It also anagrams to "Madman Will Mail Lies." Huh? Think about that. W.E.S. makes arm-crossing genie motions and a "W.E.S." graphic comes shooting out of the middle of his head. I'm only 80% sure that was post-production that did that.
Inside, he tells the judges that he'll be singing a song of his own, called "Don't Worry, Don't Hurry." The "song" consists of W.E.S. shouting random phrases and stomping and clapping a lot. The lyrics included phrases like "your innocent love," "push on that trowel," "the next level up" and other culty buzzwords. Olivia Newton-John can barely look at him. He tells Simon he thinks he did well, because he sang his truth from his heart or whatever. Randy says, "Well, at least you got it out, you know." Like you would say to someone with the flu who just spent the morning in front of a toilet. The judges all pass on W.E.S., but Ryan's VO almost makes it all worthwhile by comparing his stompy-clompy motions to Taylor's "unique" dance style. Sing it, Ryan!
And speaking of Taylor, Lesson 5 is Shake Your Moneymaker... ? Even the graphics department isn't sure that's such a good idea. Cue the C&C Music Factory! Who's dancing? Camouflage-panted Bryan, for one. Nick Zitzmann from Seattle, for another. Some cute boy with product-y hair who does the lawn sprinkler. Ripped-jeans girl, who does a back handspring into a split that's fairly impressive. She may actually be Eliza Dushku, for all I know. Some vampy girl tries to prowl her way onto the judges' table but gets a stern warning from Randy, and it does indeed look like the table's about to break. Afro-wigged Blues Brothers guy. Denim-clad break-dancer. Matthew Buckstein (!) backstage, winking at the camera and drawling, "I don't dance." Ryan Seacrest breaks it down with some large and in-charge ladies. The Bush Baby guy from Seattle breaks out some N Sync moves. The Big Fat Greek lady. Stupid Ian Benardo. Random weird people. Then, almost as a reward for making it through such a trying thirty seconds, we're rewarded with a bit of the aforementioned MC Skat Cat video, where Paula's in her jammies, dancing with the cartoon cat.