Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Blinded by the Dolt
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.24.2001
Prue proposes, that based on the evidence, there's some sort of master plan from which Beavis is working. Piper strategizes: if they figure out what the plan is, they can beat Beavis at his own game. Natalie suggests that she and the Dolt discuss the matter "in private" and asks Piper and Prue to leave the room. Piper, not having it, freezes Natalie. Prue, Piper, and the Dolt fight. Piper and Prue wonder "who put Lady Attitude in charge," and tell the Dolt they do not wish to work with someone who obviously doesn't trust them, their abilities, and their instincts. The Dolt assures them he'll chat with Natalie about their concerns, and asks Piper to unfreeze her. Piper rolls her eyes, says, "Sure," and rises from the wicker sofa. She strides into the parlor and dismissively tosses an unfreezing flick of her wrist over her shoulder. Natalie wonders what happened. The Dolt leaves to talk to Piper. Prue, grinning gleefully: "Piper froze ya." Natalie: "She what?" Prue, with a playful wink: "A-yup!" Demian: "Heh."
In the kitchen, the Dolt huffs in after Piper and tells her, "Freezing me in bed for your own personal pleasure is fine." No. No, it's not, you sleazeball. And the horrific mental image you so off-handedly supplied me of Piper riding your turgid joystick as if you're nothing more than a frat-boy-shaped dildo while she orgasmically screams, "Yes! Who's the stud? You are! You're the king! You're the Stud King, you sexy fuckbeast!" into the frozen, twisted grimace of ecstasy plastered on your face most certainly is not "fine" either. Just crack my skull open and pour liquid Drano into my brain, because I cannot live with that in my head. That is so out of line. Jesus.
Ew! Ew! Ew!
ANYway. The Human Dildo tells Piper that freezing Natalie is counterproductive. Piper bitches that Natalie "clearly knows things" about The Human Dildo that Piper herself does not. She natters on about the Whitelighter-ese and Natalie finishing his sentences for him. The Human Dildo incredulously wonders if Piper is jealous of Natalie. Piper replies she's not jealous of Natalie, she's "jealous of the part of [The Human Dildo's] life that [Natalie] gets to share" with him, but Piper doesn't. Piper bitches about The Rules that seem to serve only to exclude her. She continues that the real problem is the "secrets" The Human Dildo is forced to keep from her, and notes that "if there's one thing [she's] learned as a Halliwell, it's that you don't keep secrets from the ones you love." Cue Phoebe. And the motherfucking anvil. Ow.