Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Blinded by the Dolt
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.24.2001
Cut to the SkyCam On Crack, zipping over the Transamerica Pyramid. As it passes over the building's peak, the shot cuts to an overhead of a brunette tearing through a surprisingly well-lit alley. She trundles over to the open receiving dock of a warehouse, and spins around in time to catch the entrance of her black-clad pursuer. The brunette, for some reason, reminds me of Patty Hearst. Her black-clad pursuer reminds me of the "Murray Trevor, the Time-Traveling Tourist" from The Time Shifters, an awful piece of sci-fi nonsense that aired on the TNT network about a year ago. If it was so awful, why, then, did I watch it, and rewatch it, every time I run across it on TV? Three words, people: Casper Van Dien. Woof. Anyway, since I'm sure the group of people who actually saw that piece of crap includes only me and Casper Van Dien's mother, I'll note that the black-clad pursuer bears more than a passing resemblance to Beavis, as in Beavis and Butt-Head, and we'll move on from there.
We know Beavis is bad because he's wearing black and has an English accent. We know Patty Hearst has an amazing rack because she's wearing a tight light-blue turtleneck. Beavis flings a Flaming Ball Of Death at Patty Hearst. Patty Hearst raises her right hand, and a sparkling blue shield of some sort appears before it. The shield deflects the Flaming Ball Of Death, which vanquishes a packing crate. Patty Hearst tells Beavis that he might as well give it up, as she can "deflect [his] power." Beavis replies, "All of them?" and slings another Flaming Ball Of Death her way. This one she tosses right back at him, and Beavis wails as he blazes his merry way back to Hell. Patty Hearst relaxes a bit with a "thank God," but Beavis the Second leaps up behind her, slinging an arm around her neck and waving a dagger around before her eyes. Beavis II coos into Patty Hearst's ear that the "ability to clone" himself is just "one of the many powers" he's managed to acquire during his years as a witch hit man. Beavis II spins Patty Hearst around, clutching her throat, and adds, "And now, I'm about to add one more." It takes Beavis II a while longer to get his words out than you might expect. You have to remember that Beavises I and II are bad guys, and bad guys on this show never fire off lines in an efficient manner. The better to gnaw on the scenery, I suppose. Anyway, Beavis II jabs the dagger into Patty Hearst's stomach. Patty Hearst, who has not been putting up much of a fight at all, gasps. Her body glows yellow, and little yellow rays shoot into Beavis II's face from hers. Patty Hearst stops glowing and goes limp. Beavis II tosses the corpse the ground, and drops the dagger down next to it.
In orbs an auburn-haired woman in a grey slacks suit. I've been calling her Large Marge since the previews ran last week, so she's saddled with that moniker until they tell us her real name. Mind you, she's not really that large at all. In fact, she simply looks healthy. But put her next to the skeletal hags that populate network television these days, and she's a cow. Large Marge kneels next to Patty Hearst's corpse and waves her hands over Patty Hearst's still-amazing rack. "You're too late, Whitelighter. Your charge is dead. I'll see you later," he oozes at Large Marge, and sharply fades on out of there. Large Marge gazes at the space Beavis II just occupied, and we cut to the credits.