Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's Just Another Menstrual Monday
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.16.2004
The Dolt rather fortuitously orbs into the kitchen at this point, apologizing for the interruption. "I have to tell you something that you're probably not gonna like," he hesitates. "Ya kill anybody else?" Raige guesses. The Dolt wordlessly freaks while Piper and Phoebe, appalled, gape and roll their heads around. "You told them?" the Dolt hisses, wheeling on Piper. Piper counters that she had no choice in the matter, as the entire issue affects them as well. "More than you know," the Dolt mutters. "They want to assign you a new Whitelighter because of it." The ladies squint in disbelief as the Dolt explains that the ever-useless Elders remain unnerved and suspicious, and want to ensure that the Glamorous Ladies are "protected." "From what?" Raige scoffs, eyeing her pantywaist of an ex-brother-in-law. "You?" Well, that's just rude. But she's busting on the Dolt, so it's terribly amusing as well. "They're out of their minds," Piper grits. The Dolt shrugs that, rampant insanity in Whitelighterland or no, the new Whitelighter's to arrive at the Manor the following morning. "I hope I don't blow him up," Piper snorts. "Piper," the Dolt patiently counters, "you can't blow up a Whitelighter." "Why not?" Phoebe blares. "She blows you up all the time." You know, if they'd kept treating the Dolt like he was their personal punching bag because of the PMS thing, this episode wouldn't have been half as bad as it ultimately was. Piper snots something final about not needing another orbing-type invading her personal space, and punctuates this comment by detonating the toaster as she earlier did the chandelier. The Dolt's all, "Ooooo-kay, I'll be leaving now," and orbs out through the ceiling. Phoebe mists up and blinks, "That was a great toaster." Heh.
Oh, my fucking God. The shot cuts to take in the titular moon looming over a city plaza, and yes, it's actually blue. I hate this show. HATE. In an adjacent park, that smug, vertically challenged Christian Coalition asswipe from Jack & Bobby hovers cross-legged several feet above the ground, meditating as is the Whitelightery types' occasional wont, as the Dolt orbs onto the walkway in front of him. "You know," the Dolt chides, "you probably shouldn't be doing that out in the open." Oh, yeah? Well, you shouldn't be orbing into the middle of a goddamned city park, dicksmack, so shut it. Mini-Ralph Reed gets snippy while invoking the mysterious disappearance of Stupid Uncle Phil, and if he were either good-looking or in the episode for more than one scene, I'd care. He's neither, so we'll be moving this along. The Dolt tries to warn Mini-Ralph against heading over to the Manor the following morning. Mini-Ralph is snotty, dismissive, and deeply unattractive. The Dolt orbs out. The moment he's gone, nearby bushes rustle ominously. Mini-Ralph opens an eye and calls the Dolt's name. There's no response. Suddenly, a black smear of demonic beasts flies from the bushes to whack Mini-Ralph out of the air. He lands heavily on his back and is dragged almost out of the frame by his legs as the monsters snarl and growl off screen. We get a brief look at one of them before it rips open a series of gashes on Mini-Ralph's arm, and good Christ, but this effect blows goats. You see, rather than the simple grey wolves the promo promised, the episode's actual monsters are big, black, indifferently CGI'd doglike things that look exactly like the mutts of doom from Ghostbusters. This fucking show. HATE. In any event, the three hellhounds rip Mini-Ralph Reed to shreds right there in the park as his screams echo into the opening credits, and I need a cocktail, because this is going to be a very long night.