Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's Just Another Menstrual Monday
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.16.2004
Hello, Sparklies. Goodbye, Sparklies. Oh, EW! Wow. I totally didn't pay any attention whatsoever to this scene the first time around, and so missed Alyssa Milano's entirely graceless entrance as Phoebe yodels at Sparklies from across the street and power-jiggles over in her precarious heels and her too-tight lilac scoop-necked top and the unfettered Fun Bags are jouncing all over the place and Alyssa Milano's rib cage is poking out though her broad expanse of cleavage and it's distressing and it's disturbing and it's vile and wretched and foul and MAKE IT STOP! FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAKE IT STOP!
And look at that. It stopped. Kerr Smith takes great pains to tuck a pistol into the back of his jeans as he crosses to answer his apartment door. It's Raige, of course, and he snarks something about her previously established preference for breaking and entering before she waves a hand dismissively and pushes past him into the room with "I need to talk to you about that whole new-power thing." Kerr, instantly anxious, wonders if something happened. Raige allows that she's not sure, but first things first: How does Kerr know about "them," anyway? He hedges that "it's a long story," so she demands the short version. After a bit more avoidance, Kerr heaves a beleaguered sigh and crosses to lean against the windowframe. With his back to her, he exposits, "All I know is that they come from ancient times, when they were in power. And I'm not sure why, but something happened, and then they went away, and now they're trying to come back. They've been trying to come back for some time." "To do that," he continues, finally turning to face her, "they need power." "That's the pattern," he adds, advancing on her with a hint of urgency entering his voice. "They're always after it, and it won't be long before they come after yours." "I think they may have already tried," Raige admits. "You can't let them," he whispers intensely. "You've got to do everything you can to stop them, otherwise...they're gonna kill you. Just like they killed my parents." Raige blinks in disbelief. Li'l Orphan Brody brushes past her to collapse onto the sofa -- black leather, natch -- and fiddle distractedly with his fingers for a bit before continuing with his backstory. "I was, uh, five," he breathes. "When it happened." Raige crosses to perch on the coffee table, a frown of concern tinged with lingering suspicion wrinkling her face. "No one knew who did it," Kerr continues, before predictably adding, "That's why I became a cop. To find out." The camera pulls in on Raige's expression as it softens at the cliché. "I never would have thought it would have brought me here," Kerr confesses, "but it has." "I am not leaving this city until I prove it," he vows. Raige nods in silent understanding as Li'l Orphan Kerr blinks back tears. God. That's a little sissified of him, don't you think?
Meanwhile, down in Hell, James Van Der Beek has spun off two identical copies of himself, and the three massive crania swirl around a group of befuddled demonic sorts before spitting gouts of flame that vanquish all but one of the gentlemen standing in the dirt. The three Van Der Beeks then swish over to the far side of the chamber, where they contract, grow black-clad bodies, and morph into the faces of two men and a woman. One of the men is instantly recognizable as the Avatar last seen during the Colethazor's ill-considered swan song, and I have to admit that although I've known this was coming for a couple of months, I'm still a tiny bit curious as to why they've decided to resurrect the Avatars after ignoring their existence for the better part of two years. The remaining demon attempts to squiggle out, but the lead Avatar flips a bit of invisible mojo that roots the would-be squiggler to the spot. The would-be squiggler makes the usual who-are-you-and-what-do-you-want noises, but what's more important is the round of expository blather the Avatars indulge in as they discuss their plot to convert the Dolt to their way of thinking. I was going to say, "their plot to seduce the Dolt to the Dark Side," but as far as I know, these guys are still supposed to be neutral. Or, at the very least, "above it all." Which, when you think about it, echoes Mangy Jesus's line to Big Gay Chris in last year's time-hop to 2026. Sigh. Poor Chris. Dying for no reason. Anyway, the Avatars' "direct approach" hasn't worked, so they're moving to Plan B: Convincing the Glamorous Ladies that the addled, Beek-spotting Dolt represents a threat to their very existence so that they'll drive him from the Manor. And for that, the Avatars will need The Would-Be Squiggler, who quite politely displays his tell of exaggerated neck-cracking before vanishing into the commercial break.