Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's Just Another Menstrual Monday
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.16.2004
Oh, and look at that. Speaking of Chris, we've zipped back to the Manor, where Piper's just yanked the Psycho-driven cleaver from her younger, feyer son's stomach, stitched up the gaping wound, and put poor Tiny Gay Chris down for a nap. Phoebe and Raige skitter into the upper hall from the stairs to make this huge, hairy deal about the Dolt moving back into the house, what with his fragile emotional state and those frequent visits from James Van Der Beek and everything, but Piper -- surprise, surprise -- isn't having it, and clomps back downstairs. As Phoebe and Raige gallop after her, Phoebe attempts to argue that while they all know the Dolt couldn't possibly harm the resident infants, whatever's after him might, and does Piper really want to place her perpetually imperiled offspring in even more danger? "Look," Piper grits, grinding to a halt in the foyer, "I just want my family back. Isn't that enough?" On that last word, the large vase on the much-abused marble-topped entrance table explodes. Raige, startled, orbs in place as Phoebe tenses every muscle in her neck and inhales sharply. "What is going on with our powers lately?" Phoebe grumbles. "I don't know," Piper sighs, "but it's getting awfully expensive." Um. Excuse me, ladies? Wouldn't this have come up long before now? I mean, two of you have been witches for six years already, and I'm assuming you've menstruated at least once before today. Granted, it's probably been a while for the Feebs, what with that starvation diet she's been on since 2001, but nevertheless, why is this suddenly an issue now? Whatever. This show sucks, and this particular episode is excruciatingly pointless and dull, so fuck it.
The Dolt orbs in to express his general perplexity over the same situation that has me banging my head against the wall, but it matters not to the Feebs, who drifts out the front door to deal with her ongoing Sparklies issues. Once she's left, the Dolt fills the remaining Ps in on the whole Mini-Ralph Reed situation. Piper, upon learning the ever-useless Elders suspect the Dolt in the attack, becomes instantly belligerent and wonders if the Elders might intentionally be setting the Dolt up for a fall. The Dolt shrugs off her suspicions in favor of one of his own. As Mini-Ralph was to begin his new duties as their "guide" that morning, the Dolt figures a dark demonic force hostile to the Glamorous Ladies is likely involved. Raige offers to abuse the Book of Shadows in search of likely suspects, but Piper orders her over to Kerr Smith's apartment to confirm that the prominent heterosexual is not involved. Raige nods and exits as the Dolt apologizes for fucking up his ex-wife's life again, some more. Piper whatevers and leads him up towards the nonexistent attic for a little Book abuse.
All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and hello, Scene I Do Not Have To Recap Because Professional Boyband Fucktard Nick Fucking Lachey Is Leaving After This Episode And Therefore None Of This Matters, Like I Cared About Any Of It In The First Place, Which I Totally Didn't, But Anyway, Where The Hell Was I? Oh, right. There is one tiny bit that might be of importance later in the episode. Sparklies's penultimate column includes a warning to "expect the unexpected when the mystical second blue moon of the year rises over the next three nights." And...that's about it. Next!