Episode Report Card Omar G: B+ | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT The Breastplate and the Bad Cop
By Omar G | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 01.14.2002
Lana and Clark start walking along. He says he feels underdressed. She ruins the moment by mentioning that Jocko Whitney feels the same way (but can he bend steel?), and that he is at the art reception, too. We see poor Jocko -- who doesn't have a single line in this episode -- sitting at a table, brooding. He's as badly dressed as Clark, but with floppy blonde hair that almost rivals the floppy WB hair standard set by CuteDean on Gilmore Girls. Maybe Pamie could love Jocko instead of CuteDean this season. Lana asks if Clark wants to join them. He says yeah, sure, but doesn't seem too enthused.
Walking back toward the exit, Lex stops Clark to ask where he's going. "To get some air," Clark says. Lex says that Clark will never get anywhere if he doesn't face his enemy. Clark downplays the whole "enemy" thing. Lex insists, saying Clark has to keep his friends close, and the quarterback closer. Wow. My Gaydar just broke. Just then, I hear a piercing whine, like a cricket rubbing its legs together. I realize that's not far off: Just then, a pair of breasts rubbing together walk up to Lex and Clark and say, "Always the hopeless romantic, Lex." I had no idea breasts could have British accents. Oh, wait. There's a woman there. She's wearing a little black dress and big reddish hair. She shall henceforth be known as Boobs McChesty (tm Wook1013). "Victoria?" Lex asks, looking seriously stunned. She asks if she's interrupting anything. Like FM broadcast signals with her breasts, maybe. Lex introduces her as Victoria Hardwick. He says she's an old friend. Boobs takes a glass of champagne while Clark leans over and asks Lex, "How close are you gonna keep her?" Yow. Catfight! Lex pushes away Clark with a brusque "I'll catch up with you later, Clark." Hey, Clark? You just got DISMISSED. "Want a private tour?" Lex asks Boobs. "I thought you'd never ask," she answers, with her made-up face sporting more colors than a Home Depot paint sample display. How long did she wait, exactly, for him to ask? All of twenty-two seconds? Man, this girl's impatient.
Outside. In the bushes. But it's not what you think. Some guy is getting the stuffing punched out of him. A scowling, mean-looking man flashes a badge and tells the ass-kicked guy that he's the only reason the guy isn't in a cage. He also suggests the man get into internal affairs and get him "those files." "Is one of them yours?" the ass-kicked, whiny guy asks. For this, he gets a boot to the face. MeanCop gives him twenty-four hours to "get creative." I suppose he could write a poem, or maybe compose a ditty in twenty-four hours, but you're really limiting his output there, MeanCop. MeanCop spots Clark coming out of the museum.