Episode Report Card Omar G: B+ | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT The Breastplate and the Bad Cop
By Omar G | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 01.14.2002
The Torch. Lana rushes around with pigtails in her hair (is it pigtails when they run down each side? ["Yes." -- Wing Chun]), looking busy. Principal So Far From Smooth That The Light From Smooth Takes A Million Years To Reach Him walks in holding a copy of the newspaper. He's wearing some weird vest that makes it look like he's got on a priest's collar. He's trying to channel B.D. Wong from Oz. The headline on the paper reads, "Kwan crushes freedom of speech." That's not, like, editorializing, or anything. Lana says it's a news story. She wouldn't know a news story if it came and bit some acting skills into her. Principal Wishes He At Least Could Drink a Smoothie says it's unacceptable. He asks if she did this so he would reinstate Chloe. Lana says it was the right thing to do, and that Chloe was born for the job. What a sad birth. He says that while Chloe has passion, she lacks accuracy. Chloe, standing behind them, says she can work on that. Principal So Not The Smooth caves like he's in the Taliban and gives Chloe her job back. Chloe's hair, I just noticed, has been not-so-flippy. That must happen when she's sad. Principal leaves. Lana congratulates Chloe. Chloe apologizes for flipping out. She says the paper is the only thing she and Clark do together (except walking to school, eating lunch, going to parties, and practically everything else). Lana asks if Chloe thought she was trying to cut Clark out of her life. Extreme, extreme close-ups here. I can see the inside of their pores. Lana says she wants to be friends with Chloe, but she doesn't want to stand in the way of Chloe and Clark. Chloe, who looks like she's about to cry again, says there's nothing between them and that they're just good friends. Lana, looking evasive, echoes the sentiment. "Good," Chloe says, behind almost-tears. Now that they've got that out of the way, Chloe says she's going to see what Lana's messed up since Chloe's been gone. She actually says that.
Stately Luthor Manor. A purple-shirted Lex is on the computer. He's looking at some security footage from the museum. Something blurs across the screen -- a fast-motion Clark. Boobs comes up behind Lex, who looks supremely annoyed. She slips a hand in his shirt, Napoleon-style. She asks if he's coming to bed. Does she just sit around and wait for sex all day? "In a minute," Lex says. She's wearing the grossest green and red negligee ever. It's something even Frederick's of Hollywood would be too mortified to sell. Lex leans in closer to the monitor. He pauses a frame. We see a blurry, somewhat Clark-shaped figure from the overhead camera. Too bad it's not a close-up of Clark's crotch. Then Lex would definitely be able to identify what he was seeing. We go to blackout.