Episode Report Card Gustave: A- | 235 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT The Debriefing of Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 14 | Aired on 2002.03.05
Blip blip blip. "24." Longest day of Kiefer's life.
Previouslys. Get back, Stupid Spawn! Buh-bye, Gaines! Where are you, Rick? Shut up, Spawn! My Kieferettes are finally safe! Don't mess with your evil rich backers, Palmer! Alberta, stop staring at Nina's tits and get ready for a second shooter! The following takes place between the hours of 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM on the day of the California Presidential Primary.
Hey, speaking of the California primary, what a turn-out for Gary Condit, huh? Was it the missing intern and that whole "failure to cooperate with the police" thing? Jeez, some people are so petty and put personal stuff before job performance. I mean, look what happened to Clinton. Oh, wait -- he still kept his job and, well, Monica is still alive. Bad example. The thing that makes me feel all warm and toasty about this whole thing is that Gary Condit was the most outspoken Democratic Clinton critic. And not even about job performance stuff. Condit spoke out tirelessly about how badly Clinton had soiled the White House by letting Monica blow him in the Oval Office. He wasn't even smart about it like most people and simply expressed outrage over the fact that Clinton had lied under oath and encouraged Monica to sign a false affidavit. No. Condit literally expressed his disapproval of Clinton's sex life and urged people to remove him from office due to his lack of morals. And according to what we know now, he was making these accusations at the same time that he was schtupping Chandra Levy and Anne Marie Smith.
"Hello, Karma Architects! Can I help you?"
"Can I speak to Philip Johnson? This is Senator Gary Condit returning his call."
"Speaking!"
"You said you had some concerns about those building materials I'd selected for the new house I'm building?"
"Oh, yeah, Gary. I've got the plans right here. Are you absolutely sure about building yourself a glass house? They can be quite visually striking, but I have to say that I'm a little concerned that the house wouldn't be the most durable structure -- you know, for the position you're in right now."
"Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, Philip. Don't you yourself live in a glass house in New Canaan, Connecticut? If glass is good enough for the home of a brilliant architect, it's good enough for a California Congressman. Am I right?"
"Well, not quite. Glass is durable enough for the elements and all, I was just thinking about, uh, other extenuating circumstances that might shatter your walls."
"Like what?"
"Like, say, stone throwing."
"It's not like people don't throw stones in New Canaan, Connecticut, Mr. Johnson."
"True, but they rarely throw them at my house. You see, Mr. Condit, I'm a bitchy gay architect in my nineties who used to hang with Jackie O. You're a lying government official with a Peter Pan complex, a bad eye-job, and a missing ex-girlfriend. Do you see where I'm going here?"
"I guess I can see your point. Um, so what would you recommend besides glass?"
"Slate has a lovely texture. Why, just the other day, Linda Tripp commissioned us to refurbish her Annapolis, Maryland refrigerator box. We redid it in slate and added a Plexiglas carport. It rhymes visually with the 7-11 parking lot in which it's situated."
"Plexiglas? I must say I'm intrigued."
"It's easy to clean. You'd be amazed at how much ripe fruit and vegetable matter pile up on that thing whenever she leaves the house to get into her car. Just go over it with a damp cloth on a daily basis and it's good to go."
"You know, my long-suffering wife and I were just over at Linda's eating Thai takeout and watching The Legend of Bagger Vance on DVD. We loved the renovation but I had no idea that was you. I must say, I'm getting very excited about this project, Philip. Can I call you 'Philip'?"
"'Mr. Johnson,' if you would -- thank you."